pain again

I am tired and not sleeping well. I need a bed to sleep on. I have an appt. to try and get chemicals for my brain. Living near my abuser who molested me in a place that has triggered me where I no longer sleep well with no car to escape in is not good. I’ve lost a priest, am scared all the time, lost a lot. Not able to cope anymore with this in the cold winter. I have to walk to get groceries or take the bus during the week or beg for rides. Everything I do is hard and I do it alone. The weekends make me feel trapped. I have really only the internet left. Disability for ptsd is not a fun life. My life right now is excruciating and cruel, too much loss to name. No friends to speak of, one is crazy the other won’t talk to me. It’s a long laundry list of loss. I’m tired of trying to be ok. I’m never ok. I’m tired of praying for others and panic attacks and trying to get around. I’m tired of the hellishness of this condition. I think about suicide all the time. The world has been a ghastly place for me. How cruel to taunt me with the good lives of others, and a single month away where I was ok but where I may never be able to return, comparisons ARE odious but inescapable. God must be a monstrous sadist to torture us all and then when we cry out for help in our suffering ignore us. My friend online says pray the rosary. I want death, I want peace, I want relief, I want my animal friends back, my priest back, and no more living torture, noise torture, no family torture, no real life torture, in a world that fucking hates me and that has crucified my flesh. The Catholic church always glorified suffering. I want relief.