when i used to self harm i used to hit my head a lot, i didnt think of it that much back then but now i see the result. probably any type of self harm is better than hitting ur head, i suffer from memory loss, but no one would probably believe me, i dont even remember basic stuff such as what happened the day before, what somebody told me or things that i did, i may sound dramatic but its worse than it sounds. i dont remember how i started it but i did it everytime my mom was bitching about smth that ive done or havent done and continued by doing it when im angry. since ive realized how bad the result is i try not to, i developed anger issues over time and keep hitting myself and biting myself out of anger, its hard to stop. my head hurts so bad everyday and i feel dizzy sometimes no matter what i do, take medicine or even drink a lot of water, i dont know if thats because i hurt my head or something else but it scares me. i wish i wasnt like that, i wish i never did this, i might seem so retarded because of what ive done to myself but i cant help it now, i dont know what can. there are many other bad things including in my bad mental health, i became so mentally unstable that it scares me, so many bad and disturbing thoughts in my mind everyday, im even scared of myself, im scared ill snap one day and do something bad. i hear someone calling my name everyday even when im home alone, i really wanna believe that its not something bad and that im not a schizo. i often find myself having random conversations in my mind, it could be me talking about random things or someone is speaking to me, i dont understand whats happening and after a long time that its happening i try to figure out whats really happening. im kind of trying to express myself in art sometimes but im not too creative to do that, i just draw some shitty gore that is a bit close to what i feel. also im afraid to get help because i dont trust anyone that is not my close and real friend, i cant be open with anyone, even if i did get open and be honest id get to a mental hospital, thats my worst fear but my first worst fear is that my parents finding out about that, i dont want them to know how fucked i am. im slowly losing myself, i feel so lost..
As the wind turns and picks up a leaf to take it on its own journey, the same are our lives and mine. It al begun when i was child: My dad and my mom broke up before my birth. His present for my mom as I was born: a cactus. I love him, very dearly. My stepdad took his place. well not really place, he merely existed in my life as a puzzle piece that doesn’t really fit in, but was good enough to give the false image of an complete picture. He argued a lot with my mother, more than once it woke me up and let me experience fear, i didnt wanted to see them fight. He had problems, alcohol, gambling and other drugs. His chase for small pleasures ended one night in an accident where he bleed on the kitchen, the Ofen, the floor, cleaned with the red liquid of life and death. I cant remember much about that night. One time they argued, he told me and me and my brother at that time :” I’m going to take you on a journey” The destination was intended to be a tree, a lake, whatever thing you have in mind when you think about an intended death. Luckily, it just ended passing out on the floor, drunk. My life turned around again as my dad, when I visited every weekend, never visited me again. At the age of 6, the devil or maybe just the reasons of desperation unfolded. He never came back. I never saw him ever again. He left shortly after I moved to another city, left my friends behind, i was too young, no phones or numbers. After he left, I only remembered bits and pieces. The school sucked, only had 2 friends, and i didnt do much with them. There was one incident I remember, dont ask me how I got into this but, some people knocked on our door one day and demanded to know where my aunt was. My mom obviously didn’t know, didn’t stopped them from choking her while she was pregnant right in front of me. Things luckily ended well again. After that I don’t remember much anymore. Loud arguing, but that was it so far. Until we moved again. The baby needed room. The new environment didn’t helped me, it all continued, only worse. No friends, only two people I sometimes visited. My introversion grew and grew, my grades only went down. The loud arguing continued, as the drinking too. One day I never forget Was, where he went into the kitchen, talking with himself about how it was his child and no one should take it. It is ironic how he was the one who took it from himself. After he went out of the kitchen, he had a knive in his hand. Went up to the room where my mom slept, my mom and my brother and me where in it. Knocking on the door, hammering on it, with a knive and without. He managed to get it in somehow. I only remember bits and pieces. I remember that I cried and told him that he was scaring me. I think i was 11 or 12 honestly im not sure. He eventually went down again with my mom, i think she could calm him. My brother and I where still upstairs. Eventually he up again. He said that me and my brother should go down too or he stabs us both. So we did. It ended with my mom calling his mother to pick us up. We flew out of the house. He didn’t followed us luckily. We stayed at my grandmas house for a day, we came back to the house the next day. Plants broken and on the floor, glass on the table. Sometimes the wind puts the leaf in water and it drowns or not. He apologized to us, said we don’t have to fear him. Said it would never happen again. It did happen again. Luckily without anything sharp. Just kicked in drawers, thrown coffe makers and so on. From this time forward it got atleast lighter, police came more than once to our house in my life. After that, it was just mindless drinking, gambling, and loud arguing. Drunken nights and so on. One day, where it happened again, he seemed to make the decision to leave us. He looked for another apartment and moved out. I’m not gonna lie, it was the best day in my life. Shortly after, my mom met another guy, stubborn hot-headed guy, but still. He had the heart at the right spot. I like him. He helped my mom really much, for which I am grateful. My introversion grew into social anxiety or social phobia as I like to call it. Now it is myself who ruins my own plans, which makes me doubt myself, hate myself, isolate myself and so on. And now I’m still living in the same house, you can still see some dents and holes in the door from the knive. I can see it everyday. I feel like im just moving in circles, finding a job seems impossible, i keep sabotaging myself. Jobs with a lot of people are hard to do for me. I’m scared. When someone looks at me while I do something, I can feel the eyes drilling through me, their assumptions about me feel true. I’m dumb, lazy, can’t do anything right, without skill, without anything remarkable. To wrap this up, I’m scared of every move I do, scared of every step into the unknown and known. This feels like a hell that has been made for me, and I was the one who entered it by myself. Thank you to all of those who’ve read it this far. I appreciate the time you invested in reading this far. Hope i didn’t wasted your time. Have a good day, may your loved ones never forget your name. Thank you.
My tests say that I show extreme Alexithymia traits. Is that actually a thing? I don’t know. I don’t care about/for anyone. I just don’t give a fuck. I’m an awful person to even begin with. If you showed me a video of a child getting sawed, I’d stand stock-still. But if you showed me a video of an animal being abused, I’d flinch at a stroke. I don’t fucking understand myself. I hate humans. You could come to me crying, and I’d ask you to just fuck it and nothing more. I can’t help you with your emotional needs ‘cause I don’t relate. I haven’t truly loved anyone in all my life, and that’s just scary. I’m more in my head than in my heart. I don’t know if this is a boon or a bane. It’s like a two-edged sword, really. It’s just sad. Imagine ending up all alone because of this attribute… I don’t have a problem with that, but it’s funny I can’t have the normal things that normal people have. Can you believe that I’ve never felt butterflies in my stomach? I can never be okay.
They say tHe mEaNinG oF liFe iS lOvE, but what’s the meaning of my life when I don’t even love myself?
idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.
I can’t stop shaking.
I’ve been lying to my parents for 3 years. They think I’m about to graduate from university when in fact I haven’t been going to school. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. i have had really bad social anxiety and depression that i haven’t been able to even get up and go to class.My life has just been a downfall because in 2015 i was in rehab for 3 months (for which i dont regret because i met awesome people in there who drugs really messed their life up) for smoking cigarettes and being “untidy” (my dad almost beat me before i was taken) and my parents looked at me like an outcast. I joined uni in 2016 (different university because i dropped out of my first one which i joined in 2013 because of rehab and had missed alot of classes because of bad anxiety and depression) and they were kind of happy that i was trying to turn my life around. For the first year i was able to go some classes but eventually my anxiety kicked in and from 2017 i started missing classes .In one semester i was even able to attend all my classes but i didn’t take the exam because of my anxiety. I became depressed because of missing classes and not doing shit and havent been able to do anything since. I continued to lie to them and now its the final week to graduation and i dont know what to tell them and how to say it to them. i know im fucked and there is nothing much i can do except the truth but having an abusive father as i have knowing he could kill me, i might as well do it before he does. The only person who could help me is my mom and after this she wont want anything to do with me. My family looks at me weird and both of my sisters hate me. Also my sister is graduating this year and my elder sister has a masters and that even adds more disappointment. I really want to finish school though and purse my other career which i have been focusing on for the past few years in music. But it looks like this is the end of the road for me so if you dont hear any feedback from me in the next few days or at least a week.. it was nice writing this down for someone else to read and i hope no one ever gets in such a shitty situation. I put my final piece of music that i was working on because i dont know of my future. Its an instrumental (im a producer/audio engineer) Thanks and Goodbye.
Hard times is here and everywhere you go
Times are harder than ever been before
You know that people, they are driftin’ from door to door
But they can’t find no heaven, I don’t care where they go
People, if I ever can get up off of this old hard killin’ floor
Lord, I’ll never get down this low no more
When you hear me singin’ this old lonesome song
People, you know these hard times can last us so long
You know, you say you had money, you better be sure
Lord, these hard times gon’ kill you, just drag on slow
Just as dry summers pant for the first rain,
so thou art thirsty for a happy home
and for a life remote, like hermit’s prayer,
a corner of forgetting and of love.
And thirsty for the ship upon the sea
that ever onward sails with birds and sea-things,
filling its life with our great planet’s light.
But unto thee both ship and home said: ”No!
Look neither for the happiness remote
that never moves, nor for the life that ever finds
in each new land and harbor a new soul!
Only the panting of a toiling slave
for thee! Drag in the market place thy body’s
nakedness, strange to the strangers and thine own!”
From the poetry collection ”Life Immovable” (or ”The Motionless Life”), published in 1904. Translation by Aristides Phoutrides.
I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…
It’s just so demanding…
I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…
It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…
For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of courde that had to make things a lot harder…
It’s often unhygenic too and I find myself sneezing a lot from thr fust and other stuff…
Then they got all these “values” messages blaring repeatedly every day in the store, and all this crappy music I’m sick and tired of hearing of…
This job is honestly one of the maon reasons why I want to kill myself, though I also seem to have no real life friends or even a future so there’s that too.
I still live with my family at 27… my parents got divorced when I was in middle school as a teen or something, however long back, but like last friday for a few hours midday my dad and stepmom were fighting too which my stepmom has also been married to someone else before and has kids so yeah… just neverending remarriages and fighting, god I hate everything…
I’m diagnosed with autism too even though the symptoms don’t really fit me. I’m not literal minded, I had to learn poetry in 7th grade before I was even diagnosed as a high schooler. Then doctors thought I had ADHD as a child and so on…
I mean, I guess I don’t really get along with people but…
I just don’t understsnd why it’s only me in my life and all these other jerk offs are able to be considered completelt normal even though some of them make me feel like crap.
I had to get a special program called DARS to help me because when I tried myself about 5 years or so after graduation and getting fed up no one would hire me… ot was hard too because I have social anxiety, least over formality… it just seems so… arbitarily judging, it scares me…
I can’t seem to quit my job either because my dad says it would cost me money next time to help me…
He literally does not give a crap about abything, I hate him…
You ever feel like people only help you because they have to, materially, and to get something out of it or something?
I mean, he’s physically abused me before… it still hurts to remember the pain of that…
… I just want to destroy society sometimes and never have to work again… I don’t even have dreams anymore…
I mean, I almost kind of want to be a therapist, maybe, but…
God idk I’d rather just die soon…
If I ever die on all of you then I’m sorry…
If being an adult as far as liking comedies go is to like stuff like Soith Park and The Big Bang Theory like my family does, then I’d rather not having anything to do with it!
I can’t stand all that “rude and crude” humor, it’s terrible, every character annoys me in these sitcoms, none of them are relatable or sympathetic at all…
And I find so many things about being an adult really complicated and hard…
Getting a license, getting a college degree, getting a bank account and debit (I have that set up though), learning to drive, how real estate works so I know how to get my own place, etc…
Dude, no one has ever told me how to do anything. ._. Doing everything on my own is hard…
I kind of want to be a kid again… except I don’t. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore and I don’t think the nostalgia of old games or show I grew up with matter, I can just use stuff like youtube or dowbloading an emulator for that, usually… and I have done that for a few things a long time ago. :p
I kind of miss my self… When I was lot happier and I didn’t know how muxh the world sucked and how superficial everything seems…
Sometimes I just want to live in nature and know how wilderness survival works…
Man, idk… It’s not like instinctual to know how society works, right? It’s something you learn and gdt taught to you somehow, or do yourself…
It’s just… ughhh…
I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.
I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?
I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.
It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped in a sad and rather fishy situation with a boy I was dating and his “best friend”.
I had a beautiful goddamn pharmacy, shame it was time after i stumbled home the next morning to use it for ending my life rather than healing.
I filled a large chevron drink about halfway or so with it all.
-The Universe was telling me it was time right?
Why else would i get raped again in my adult life? No justice again. I just wanted to go home. Then you broke the door down because the cats, my little girls, were crying and yowling. I wake up screaming in the middle of the rape kit. Then they checked me in the looney ward for a week. I had to participate in groups and put on a face that I understood that ending my life was not an option so i could leave and get high at least i was good at that.
You fucking told me you couldn’t do this life without me. Then barely three months after my failure you get to go home, during a celebration you got to leave me here, happy.
Without the weight of the possibilities of right and wrong. You got “taken”. Now i have to be here with this alone. Completely, actually, “literally” alone.
-Its gotta be a cosmic sign right? Cant think cant work cant fake it just hoping the universe shows me what way will actually work/succeed. Just want to go to sleep and go home.
At first: Im german, so please sorry my bad english. In part i will use deepl.com to translate, i hope it will not peeve you.
Yesterday, not the first time, i went out to kill me. In the backpack my rope, in mind pure pain, i tried to reach Grünwald (which is ja very nice and natural place here, with much trees. The most citizens here are very rich). I made some wrong decisions in my life, like them opening my own business. Unfortunately, I’m technically gifted, but I can’t handle money. As a result, I still have obligations that I cannot pay even though I work full-time.
My last wrong decision was to take in a lodger, a friend from old times, with his underage son, in order to reduce my rental costs. This guy, a convicted rapist and drug dealer, makes my life hell. He hits me, spits at me and insults me. But he’s not the reason I’m thinking of suicide.
Truth is, I can’t get my life together. You can’t be 50 years old and still not be able to pay your bills! Again I am threatened with shutting down my energy supply and seizing my account. And it’s not the first time.
Meanwhile, I’m already developing psychological anomalies. If there’s a bad letter in the mailbox, I can’t open it for days. It starts to rustle loudly in my head and I am no longer able to think rationally. This worsens my situation, because bad letters must be answered quickly.
Meanwhile, I was so lucky last year. I started an apprenticeship as a computer scientist with an excellent company. I was really happy for a moment, because that’s what I can do! This company has recognized my potential and promotes me. So I would only need 12 months until the end of my training and would then earn really well. But the debt collectors and the power company won’t give me that time. Somehow it seems more profitable for them to destroy someone than to give them the chance to become again an important member of society that can pay their bills.
I’ve just run out of strength after so many years. More and more often the few minutes until the brain switches off appear to me as salvation. Finally to be able to slide down into the endless black darkness, where there is no pain and no money. That’s what I want.
I don’t understand all this. We humans live in paradise and do everything we can to make each other hell. And so I sit here with my backpack packed and mourn. I know every bridge in the area and there are some very practical ones. But something inside me is still fighting.
I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.
37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. “Your not worthy”, ” your a failure”, you can’t do anything right”, “just end your life & their won’t be anymore pain.”, that inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but wishing that was me.
Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you’re loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can’t even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel like I was a mistake. I can’t even recall one display of affection. I was sexually, mentally, physically & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have a problem in my relationships & friendships? With men in general. Why do I struggle with authority? Mom’s & Dad’s are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, laying in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despised & hated him for making me do sexual things to him, day in & day out! ?? There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said “ya” & they said “are you sure?” & I said “ya”. I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was So Scared! So I just told them, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!
It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. He couldn’t do no wrong in their eyes. He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!
Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to daily put-me downs by my father. She was a Severe alcoholic and just let my dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. So, to this day I haven’t seen my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can’t wait till the day they pass away. I feel that’s the only way I will finally find peace!
I couldn’t wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well at school and was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. So for 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn’t want to help out around the house cause “he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison.” We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would ***** & gripe cause I needed help around the house cause I just had too much on my plate. I was doing everything by myself & I just couldn’t handle it. But I seemed to some how get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship. Well two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & ended up in the Looney bin cause I just couldn’t handle all of it! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven’t been the same since.
That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for the Major depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.
The next few chapters of my life haven’t exactly been no happier. My marriage has been falling apart since that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at the prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going is good. I tend to always self sabotage. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.
In my early 30’s, I decided I had had enough of family’s fits and arguments and once again, tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn’t even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it. I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away. So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me so I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends. Shortly after my return home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn’t . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer. We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt, every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it. I’m surprised that house didn’t catch on fire. We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn’t afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn’t take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment. We have been here almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She’s about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it’s just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.
Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 17 & a half years (almost 18 on June 10th this year) my husband took advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again & it caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I was just too much. I was so depressed, I didn’t have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough. I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough. Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girls & their grades at school. I couldn’t understand why, I was so blind & it was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the strength to put my foot down & say enough is enough & I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn’t believe any word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 19 yrs, what makes what he was saying then any different? I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & starved myself for 3 months straight, I felt I needed to punish myself & that’s the only thing I had control over. I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost. My best friend couldn’t just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate, so she tried talking to me till she was blue in the face. Nothing was sinking in cause I was so overcome with no hope & extreme depression. She threatened me many times to put me back in the hospital, & that’s the last thing I needed. She got so overwhelmed because she wasn’t reaching me after everything she said & did, so she started trying to get me involved in doing daily devotions with her every morning. I’m gonna admit, at first I didn’t want anything to do with it, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other, until I felt the Lord speaking to me through his word. That’s when things started turning around for me, I started to slowly have hope again & I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to very slowly start eating again, laugh again, praying again, & reading the bible again. When I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right choices & decisions on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.
Second separation with my husband was March 17th 2018. Before this separation, things were pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control & the day of the 17th of March, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger. That’s where I draw the line, when it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn’t let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor, as their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest. After this last time, the Lord really opened my husbands eyes & heart & really got ahold of him & turned his life around. I saw a Really Big difference in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man & he has really came along way. He is now the husband & father he should be.
Now, here is my dilemma, my depression is coming back & its coming back hard! These thoughts are getting worse & stronger by the day & I am back to losing hope again.
What’s the point? Why do I even try anymore? I just Can’t go on anymore! ????
Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm that consumed (and continues to influence me) for years. I hardly remember my times in the psych hospitals, times that I was forced to drop out of high school temporarily for overdosing on blood pressure medication. Being doped up on psych meds like it aint no thang.
Now when I say I feel no attachment to this, I wish I could say it was a positive thing to say. That I am so happy with my life now that I have completely forgotten what it was like to be suicidal, to hate myself and this existence.
No, in fact, what I am saying is, I go in and out of feeling like one goes in and out of a swimming pool. One minute I’m screaming that I’m done with this world and I hate not being normal. Slamming the door only to throw myself onto my bed. I’m so paranoid of attachment. And then there’s the times where I stare at the wall. No thoughts pass through my mind, let alone emotion. I don’t give a fuck.I don’t care about anyone but my own self protection from others that ruins my relationships with everyone around me. I feel like a void upon this earth. A black hole sucking up oxygen that has better uses than filling my lungs. And sometimes it’s worse. I have disassociation episodes where I see black spots in my vision and my eyelids ache and my mind shuts down completely. But when I bounce back from it, it’s like it never happened.
I hate the fact that a fucked up being like me exists. I wish I had never been born, been thrust into this world, a person who doesn’t belong here. I’m a university drop out, a failure in the eyes of many as I bounce back and forth between jobs and living situations. I have one stable friendship. My parents hate the pain I cause them everyday with my selfish, self preserving nature. I hope I get hit by a bus.
But hey. Like I tell everyone.
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
At this point, I don’t even want help, I just want to die.
It’s not like there’s any help anyways.
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late, devoured
Her time had come
Her time had gone
The lyrics are missing, to my song
Every single minute
Every single hour
Was supposed to be ours
Her deed was done
Under a hurting fire
Not only hers to take, expire
She had done much more.
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late
Of Obligations devoured
All will be finished
All will be done.
“I’m sorry mother”-
Biting my tongue-,
You’ll be missing YOUR heart-,
-missing YOUR son.