I don’t know anymore

I don’t know what to do anymore and I could use some advice or something. On January 18 my boyfriend left me. He was the only reason I had to keep going. He was my only happiness in the mess I call a life. We had been together for four months. We’re both in high school- he’s a senior and I’m a junior. He just moved here from another state and has been through a similar but far worse past. We understood each other, or I thought we did. We were good for each other. The last month we were together my medications changed. I have depression and social anxiety, as well as some trust issues. The truth is, he was the only person I’d ever been able to talk about my past with. I completely trusted him and let him see a part of me I hate. I’ve always been the “shy” girl. When I was with him I always had somewhere to go and I was so much happier. The last month we were together my depression started to get worse. I was losing sleep and I wasn’t eating, and I pushed him away. I lashed out. He stopped inviting me over and wouldn’t return half of my texts. This was my first relationship and besides that I’ve never had any good role models to look to in relationships. I’m not good at communicating my feelings. I loved him deeply but I couldn’t show him anymore. He started getting upset at what I said so I stopped talking again. I was afraid to say anything that would make him leave. We stopped having any physical contact. He stopped walking me home. He started ignoring me and saying things at lunch that he knew would hurt me. I stayed and kept my mouth shut. But it didn’t matter. I put up with his negative comments about me. It wasn’t enough. I couldn’t understand why he was being this way. I would never try to hurt him, but every day he was hurting me. The night we broke up he said he hated me because I was limiting him and I was too insecure and I was fake because my personality changed and I wore too much makeup, so he wouldn’t hold me. I didn’t know my makeup bothered him. I wasn’t happy and fun anymore because it took all I had just to get out of bed in the morning. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as he is. He said I never cared about him and he would never have sex with me. You have to understand he is a complete gentleman. He’s strong and incredibly handsome and brave and smart. He’s the best man I’ve ever known. I’ve started going to therapy. He said he still loves me and would give me a second chance if I got better. He used to say I was the best person he’d ever met and if I can be that person again he would love me again. But I don’t know how to be that way anymore. I was putting off suicide until after his birthday, but that was last week. Now I’m afraid. I don’t have anything left.