My parents took me in. I have no idea how I got here. I can’t figure out how to care about anything. I miss my ex like crazy. It’s been a long time and I still wish I could have her back. We were together six years and I really thought it was going to be forever. Now I’ve had 3 jobs since last year and can’t seem to hold anything down. I really just still want to end it but I’m afraid and know it would kill my parents. I’m not sure anyone else would care and not sure how to make friends or have someone in my life at this point. When do you know it’s just time to give up and your best years are behind you?
So I’ve just broken up with my girfriend of 2 and half years and I’m devastated; I’m heartbroken.
all I can think is I’m too blame, I wish I cared more for her when we were together. Instead I’m sitting here contemplating stupid things.
I’ve been such an idiot. I want her back I need her.
Everytime I go outside and see normal happy people it shakes me up inside. I press my lips together, and shut my eyes in tension. All the people that I used to know, just normal guys got it all. Money, house, car, relationship/marriage. Everything. All these people were just normal, nothing special, most were dumber than me academically, similar or worse socially. Many were younger. Yet all of them got it all together, got awesome jobs, get paid well. Got everything. Why is it that everytime I try to do something I fail? I do great with things, any complex problem I can solve as long as it doesn’t involve dealing with people. When it does, I always get rejected, told off, shat on, tricked, and used. Nobody gives me a decent job. Only the shittiest ones where I break my back and end up not getting paid a dime anyway. Girls always reject me, no matter what. I’m not an ugly guy either, I have little money, can drive my dad’s car, have a house to myself, my dick is fine too. But no matter what I do I always end up getting fucked over. I’m 26 virgin and lost hope long ago. I’ve been like this for 4 years and it does not get any better at all.
So, here’s a little diddy I’ve composed. Just wanted to prove I can string together a coherent concept. I’ve titled it “Intensify” because it starts out with arpeggios, then chords, then power chords.
Again, this is a raw recording. I didn’t bother polishing it.
I just got the message, from my ex, she want’s to go out for a drink with me tomorrow night!! I still love her, so that’s great right ? so why em I posting this crap here?
Well it is not great, this is not fucking great at all. And here is why :
we have been together for almost 5 years, and she have break up with me 2 months ago, 3 weeks ago she had told me she have meet someone and that they are dating for few days now. But 2 weeks ago I have found out she had been cheating with this guy for months when we were still together and all the lies she had told me in all this past months, and even now in this two months that we are not together anymore she told me so many lies, I have just lost count.
so I really need your opinion please!
Should I confront her tomorrow, tell her that I know all the lies and cheating she had done to me?
I’m thinking yes – my time is running out ! Because, I have exams in 25 days, and I need to pass them to finish school finally and try to get a decent job for once. I have had just enough energy to hold on this two months that I was studying everyday for this final exams, but I have completely stop 2 weeks ago, when I found out about this. After 13 years of this exact same ending in previous relationships my heart is not broken but dead this time, so at least I don’t have to worry about that, but it’s tearing my soul in pieces, Its making me sick and can’t sleep or eat, having panic attacks, paranoia is appearing more often and depression bad as never before, and I attempted suicide once before. And how the fuck can I possible study now? I was barley holding on before, all the good memories and beautiful moments we had, and hard times we conquered them together, are now gone for ever, drowned in lies, and it’s taking me down with it.
I need to hear her say the truth to me. My soul is dying and I’m wishing I can find some peace or strength in it, at least for this month, so I can get myself together and try to salvage this lost time and get back to study, with this last energy in me, don’t even want to think if it’s not already too late now for me.
by not telling her, my life is at hold, can’t stop thinking about it, it has taken me over, and it’s ripping what has left of me apart.
I’m thinking no – i’m spinning in a circle ! Here is what is scaring me even more, and i’m afraid! this girl, she is mentally ill too. She was cutting herself for over 10 years, attempt suicide twice, been in psychiatric hospital 6 times already. what is even worse is she should be taking 3 types of pills, but for the past 6 months she only taken 1 type of those pills, and this might be the cause of mood swings and her decisions in this last months, but maybe not I don’t know. And what is even worse when I think about it more is, she can be manipulated by others quite fast, and not to my surprise, the guy she is dating, is her “friend”, she knows him for like 1 year now (and this guy, he was like take a pic of your dog, can I see your new hair color? here I bought you gift etc…for this entire year that she knows him).
I don’t know. Is the mental grip holding her this badly now? are the pills? is she being manipulated? is the combination? is it something else? or she just wanted to get away from me?
I’m afraid, if I confront her, and tell her that I know about all the lies she is telling and cheating she had done, she might start to hate herself again, she will also see how broken I have become by her actions, she might fall even deeper in depressions and her dark mind, which would probably mean that she would start cutting again (she had stop 3 years ago, I don’t know if the new boyfriend even knows about her mental state and problems she had and has, and will not even be able to give her support she needs), it might again get so bad she would try suicide or go to hospital for at least 1 month or more, and fail at school, and can’t work when your in hospital which would leave her without money, which would destroy her life, and mine with it, for pushing her down this path.
But knowing her I feel, I can’t take a risk, it will end badly, it will destroy her life or cripple it beyond repair, and then mine goes with it.
I’m spinning in a circle between this impossible decisions, of which, future and life, of someone else, that I care and love, and me, might get destroyed. And I’m running out of time, been thinking for the past 2 weeks, sometimes I decide I will take one way and will not change my mind about it anymore, hours later I’m convinced I will do the other way around because it’s for the best, tomorrow she will see me, and exams are at end of this month.
– I want to “man up!” slap myself, get it together, let it slip away and don’t you dare mention this to her tomorrow or ever! but this energy is sipping out of me, and it’s ripping me apart emotionaly and mental state is getting worse by day. But I want to smile, I need to, for her, when she ask me tomorrow how are you? I need to forget about it and my exams with it.
-Or maybe I’m over thinking this? Might be she just will not care that I know, and will not feel bad for her actions, or that my situations has gotten so bad. I wish this would be true, then I would need not to worry about her state, I still love her and care for her very much, probably too much for my own good. But I just might take this broken pieces that are left for me and somehow try my best to survive this month, If I confront her, and she tells me get over it, she doesn’t care about me anymore.
is there any other way? I’m I blind, possible stupid?
What would you do? If you were her, what would you want me to do?
Suicide is pretty & Suicide is Funny.
So when you add it all together, I guess Suicide is Pretty Funny!!
The powder burns inside my mouth begin to scream and shout.
My mom is a Fag & my Dad is to.
All the kids make-fun of me at school.
So…. I put my .38 caliber inside my mouth and make a mess all on the bed, skull fragments on the sheets & on the spread.
SUICIDE IS PRETTY FUNNY.
I don’t want to fight with the Thunder in my head anymore.
All the other kids say I’m a whore, with the cellphone pictures of my panties on the floor.
I GUESS A HOLE IN MY HEAD WILL EVEN THE SCORE.
suicide is pretty funny?
Well I made it thru today with only a few minor scratches and awkward moments at work. To those of u who commented this morning (my time), may ur karmic bank accounts overflow!! Without spewing too many platitudes u guys really helped. Example….where I wouldve gone to the bathroom at work and watched YouTube videos of the golden gate bridge and budd dwyer repeatedly, I just checked ur comments on my post. I reckon that’s much healthier behaviour. Hang tough mofos and try to keep it together. That’s all I can do atm.
I lost my soulmate.
I loved her with all of my heart. We’ve known each other for five and a half years and we were best friends. It was an online relationship and we were young so we weren’t serious about it. But a few years ago we realized we could really make this work and so we tried. We stood by each other through thick and thin, through the stress of me having a job and graduating high school and everything. I felt like I had the perfect future because we promised each other we would go to the same college and work in the same field. We always talked about dreams we had and we talked every single day, we cammed on Skype everyday, we talked through all our troubles and problems. We cammed at night so it was like we fell asleep next to each other. We had our fair share of arguments and we both had problems with communication but we got through them and it made our relationship tougher. I felt like we could take on the world and prove everyone wrong, that long distance relationships can happen.
When I got closer to finishing my senior year, I realized that waiting until she graduated to even meet was a recipe for disaster and it would put unnecessary stress on our relationship and I wouldn’t risk that. I moved from my home in Florida to New York City, where my dad’s family resides, so that I could have the chance to visit my girlfriend quite a few times and bring some new life to our relationship. I registered for college and went and it was really expensive since it was out of state. One semester cost around $9000 and my Pell Grant didn’t cover all of it. I had to get the maximum amount of loans possible and even then I had some money left over I had to pay. And this was one for one semester. $18,000 a year for 4 years is a lot of money. My girlfriend said that when she graduated next year, we can go to a different school together, one that’s cheaper and she could get a free ride, and she would support me with my student debts. Needless to say, that made me really happy and I didn’t feel like shit about my debt anymore. I didn’t feel so locked in by money problems which I didn’t want because my mom only makes about $9.50 an hour, a high school dropout, and she always wanted me to not have the same money problems she has. I went to school, learning programming because I knew that it would be a valuable tool in the future and I could easily support my girlfriend and any family if we decide to have one in the future. I visited her for the first time and it was the happiest moment of my life. Meeting the woman you’ve loved for 5 years for the first time, being able to hug her and kiss her, is the best feeling in the world and it made me realize that staying loyal to her was all completely worth it. I was and am truly in love. It felt nice to be loved the same way back, to be able to stare into each other’s eyes lovingly, to be able to touch each other without flinching away. I visited her a second time after Christmas for New Years and we spent that week together. We kissed at midnight when 2016 started; we were a few seconds late because we were both rushing to get the apple cider into cups for everyone but it was still one of the most amazing kisses I could ever imagine and I felt like it was a guarantee that no matter how hard 2016 would be for us, we would stick together through thick and thin. Because isn’t that what it was supposed to signify? Later, we made ceramic plates and painted it together, and we engraved our names with a heart in between and we wrote 2016. She hung it up and it was the first art project we ever worked on together and we were both proud of it. When I had to leave, we were both sad and didn’t want to have to separate. Long distance relationships suck. I would give up everything in the world if it meant I could be there for her every day, just for a few seconds to be able to hug her, kiss her, tell her everything will be all right and I’m here for her. But I can only do that once every few months, if that.
When I got back home, I realized that I needed a job because of the new school semester. I couldn’t get one last semester because my schedule was 5 days a week because I registered on the last day but this time I could get a job. I looked online for jobs all the time, I applied to as many as I could. I never got called or emailed back. I went to a job fair and I felt like I did really well at the interview because I was steeling myself for it and I felt better than the other 300 kids who were there. My interviewer even said I did a really good job. I never got a call back. Every fast food restaurant didn’t want me. No stores wanted me. I resorted to Craigslist and I easily found interviews through there. I ended up getting 5 in 2 weeks. None of them called me back. They all wanted outgoing people but I’m not outgoing and I realized that no matter how much I try to fake it, I just don’t have that personality and they can tell. I started feeling worthless and useless because I couldn’t even get a job. My family started berating me every day about it even though I tried as hard as I could. My dad ended up telling me that I should’ve just stayed in Florida and that just broke me. My mom’s side of the family is mad at me for going to New York to be with a girl. My dad’s side of the family is mad at me for coming here and not having a job. My girlfriend told me it was all okay, she knew I was trying and she kept my head above the water. She helped me apply for jobs and look for some and I still never got any calls back. I end up using some of the only money I have to spend money on a Valentine’s day gift for her to show her how much I appreciate her. I buy her a bamboo plant that’s in the shape of a heart and some chocolate candy with a mug because she loves chocolate so much. I like writing and so I wrote romantic messages on both gifts and she loved it. All of that cost $80 but it was worth every penny. The year before I bought her a $130 giant teddy bear and she named it Charlie and she sleeps on him every day. I love doing romantic things and making her happy was my entire reason of being happy, of living and looking forward to the future. Because I knew that she loved me unconditionally and that she would get me through my hard times like we promised each other.
Then she left me. She told me she was unhappy and she wanted to be free. She told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. She said she didn’t have any feelings for me anymore. And I died inside. My heart, which was beating for her and lived just to make her happy, died. I failed yet again, in the most important job I ever had. She told me that she was never happy, she was unhappy inside the entire time. My heart, my life, my future fell away in the blink of an eye. I was completely lost. I am completely lost. I love every aspect of her. I love her personality most of all. No one is like her. I don’t want to settle for someone else. I don’t want to have to deal with regretting separating from her for the rest of my life. I always looked at other girls and just felt in my head, “My girlfriend is so much better.” I can’t change that. I can’t stop my love for her. She said that I manipulated her into staying with me but that was not the case. I’ve only had to convince her that our relationship would work out when she was having moments of doubt and we always came back to each other happy. When I was having moments of doubt, she did the same for me. She had an abusive stepdad who controlled and manipulated her mom in every single way possible so I personally think it’s clouding her judgement and I try to tell her that be she denies it and just associates me with that monster. Like I’m the bad guy who didn’t care what she wanted or thought. I’ve always told her that communication is key and that if she communicates, we can get through any problem. But she was too scared of telling me things like that because of what kind of reaction I would have. But it always ends up worse when she internalizes it for months until she tells me at the worst timing when she blows up, or I just find out on my own. I wish she could have trusted me more than that. Because I am not him. I wanted my girlfriend to be happy, to have the best possible future I could guarantee her, to be her constant companion and best friend. I still want that. I want to prove to her that I am not the manipulative monster she thinks I am. I want to prove to her that she can be happy if she just lets go of some of the wariness she has.
So, now. I’m jobless. I’m in a shitload of debt and counting. I’m loveless. I’m friendless. My entire family is pretty bothered by me. And they’re only going to be even more bothered when they see that my girlfriend left me. I still hold on to a small hope that she will come back. That hope is based on the fact that she’s stressed out because of Junior year and she’s always been really impulsive and anxious when she’s stressed out. I just want to help her through this time until she comes back to her senses. But now she’s mad at me because I get suicidal when I’m really upset. I think I have BPD so I need to get that checked out. She’s afraid of what I might do so she gets mad at me for having suicidal thoughts, and it just pushes me to have even more suicidal thoughts and behaviors. She doesn’t realize what she’s pushing me into. Whenever I get suicidal, she tells me to stop talking about it or she will just ignore me so I’m forced to internalize it. If I don’t get her back, I really honestly don’t want to live anymore. The only thing that has kept me from doing anything is my heart still reaching for her and trying to grasp her. That is my only hope. I don’t love anyone else and I refuse to love anyone else because no one is like her and no one is better than her. I don’t want to have to go through years of heartbreak and then an entire life wondering what could have been. I don’t want to have flashback memories every single minute of every single day of things we used to do together, because we did almost everything together. I don’t want to feel that pain every day because it wouldn’t go away. When bad things happen, I feel it forever. I don’t want to look at my television and remember, “Oh, she loved this show,” or ,”I remember she used to hum this theme song every time she heard it through my TV on Skype.” I don’t want to tear down the picture frames I have of her. I don’t want to tear down the poster she gave me or the other posters I bought of things that we used to watch together. All my favorite video games, we played together. We even programmed together. We used to cam together at nights and now it’s already really lonely. I have to just read books until I pass out from tiredness. Which also give me memories because I was reading a book she recommended me.
Every time I look up, I see something that reminds me of her, and I’m in pain. Everything on this computer brings me to tears. Every time I get a Skype notification, I have a fucked up feeling of both dread and hope but then it always turns out to disappointment. Every single time my phone vibrates I get really nervous. All of my online friends are friends with her. Even some of my friends from Florida are friends with her. It’s literally impossible to get rid of things that remind me of her and even if I did, my memory prevents me from forgetting and letting go. I don’t want to deal with this. If I totally lose this hope then I don’t think I will last long before I do something drastic. Losing everything in one fell swoop is too hard for me to deal with. I just want her back. I just want to make her happy. I just want my best friend and love back. If she gave me another chance, I would do every single thing in my power to make her happy. I would go to the ends of the earth to ensure that.
All I want is one more chance to prove to her that we are soulmates.
The truth is, depression is juvenile. Not in terms of maturity, but in the fact that it can only be indulged in as someone without responsibilities. Being depressed as an adult sucks. I have obligations, there is no other option but to progress forward no matter how hindering depression is. I can’t sit around all day like I used to as a teenager, I have to get a job and support myself and my partner. I hate that I have to actually consider my future in a very real perspective when all I want to do is sleep all day. Inside I feel perpetually heavy and empty, like there’s a consuming void leeching on me at all times. The pain is immense and incapacitating – yet the worst part is that I’m not allowed to succumb to its effects. You might say it’s a good thing that I’m forced to move forward – to get out of bed everyday, to find a job, to socialize with those close to me, yet the fact that I have to makes many days feel unbearable. It genuinely feels like a battle everyday and one I can’t ever escape since the conception of my adulthood. You know what I’d really like? To just sleep for the entire day. Yeah, I’m not physically constrained to obeying my personal duties – but when I don’t I feel even more guilty on top of all this shit I feel. I love sleeping, but whenever I do I feel like I’m wasting my life and compounding the stress I exert on those I depend on – I’m a fucking leech. Whenever I don’t talk to the one person I’m close to I feel like they interpret that as me ignoring them. I don’t want to ruin the only relationship I have so I’m forced to invest effort into entertaining them. Not saying I don’t enjoy it, but sometimes it’s hard to socialize when I just want to lay down and isolate. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but guess what tough luck I have to. Me and my partner are like $1200 in immediate debt, $1000s more in debt that is to be paid over time and without significant pressure to pay it. I can’t feel sorry for myself like I want to, I have to pay that fucking debt and going through the motions everyday is the only way to do so. I wish I could pause time, you know? Just have everything freeze so I can get my shit together without compromising everything. But nope, that doesn’t exist and it sucks.
Hello. In a few hours I have an interview and it’ll probably be a disappointment. But for right now I wanted to ask you a question. What do you guys do for entertainment? How do you guys get your mind off of things. I play video games and watch youtube ( I love game grumps and I’m watching the new episode right now). I also love animation. Not working on it, but seeing the process and the final product is so cool. I have major respect for anyone who can animate. It’s just so cool to see it all come together. So what do you guys do? Do you draw or write music or have a favorite show? I just thought that a casual post today would make everyone feel a bit better. Well thanks for listening and I can’t wait to see what you guys say.
I always want to remember how we would walk down that trail to look at the river and how we left school a couple times just to go there. I want to remember how one time you took me to the little store by your house through the woods, and how you would cancel plans just to be with me. I want to remember when we were laying under the blankets on your bed (which we would do often) and we would just lay there in each others arms under the blankets. I want to remember how you smell, how you had that certain cologne that I loved when we got together, and how sometimes you smelled like cigarettes and cologne. I want to remember how we always sat together at lunch and how we would run through the store in the morning so I could get fruit and we barely made it to school every time. I want to remember the mornings we just slept in my car because we didn’t make it to class on time and we didn’t want to get in trouble. I want to remember how I spent my first night with you, when I “went to Maddy’s”. I never want to forget how nervous you used to get when we had sex and how you always stop to see if I’m okay. You never let me forget that you love me. I was the one that ignored you and that’s why I thought you didn’t love me. I know that you love me, I was just being dumb. I will never forget how we always fight but get over it quickly. I always get over it because I can’t go without you. Throughout the time that we’ve been together you’ve been my therapy and you’ve helped me be a better me, I know I haven’t done much for you. I know I could’ve done better. I know how many times I said I would try and I never changed. I know that you don’t believe me when I say that I love you. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to show that I love you. I do know that you are all I’ve ever wanted and I don’t ever want to be without you. I love when I catch you looking at me, it makes me feel cared for. I love how you hold me, I love how you love me, and I love how you look at me, I don’t think I’d ever find anyone else that would look at me like they love me, the way that you do. I love you.
The guy I was seeing a couple weeks ago, Aaron, turned out to be a bust. He was a really nice and sweet guy, but his interest ran out. But that’s not my main problem. It’s Presley. I am madly in love with Presley, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we were in love with each other, and then all the crap happened with Holly and Amy, he chose both of them over me, and yet we still love each other. I want to yell at him, I want to pound on his chest and beat all of my pain away as if he was a punching bag, but most of all I want us to be together again. I’ve listened to everything every one has had to say about the situation, I have taken everything into account, but I have hope. Now, hope is deadly, its far deadlier than cancer. I would rather have cancer sometimes, I be able to just accept death and defeat, but for some damn reason I have hope. I have hope that Presley will come back to me, that he’ll finally have enough and tell me that he loves me again, but I am in so much pain right now. I love him. I loved him from his beauty to his flaws, his angel and his demon, when he was poor and before he was rich.
I don’t know about any of you, but I am spiritual; I am a Pagan. I read tarot and I talk to my Goddess. My cards have told me how Presley and I are meant to be together, to spend the rest of our lives together, I dream of our future and our children, my Goddess showers me in overwhelming love every time I am near him and whenever he touches me, if he hugs me or our hands randomly meet, I feel only love and the pain disappears, he kills it all. He makes me feel safe, loved, happy, but not right now. Now, I am suspended in an ocean of mist and I cannot move, I feel only numbness, and I am tired. I love him, I love Presley so much, but I can’t do this anymore; I can’t try to live without him. I’m trying so damn hard, but if it’s too hard to move on, then what does that mean? How Presley treated me was complete shit, I admit that, and I don’t ever deserve to be treated this way or ever feel this way or be second choice. I don’t know why he even did all that, but I know that there’s something missing right now, that something is amiss and not right. Before I even let go of the rope, I want to know what it is and if it will justify my letting go or if it’ll just push me over the ledge.
I’m sorry for the rant, I want to talk to someone about this, but I know that the person that I need to talk to is Presley. It all rests in his hands; if I give him another chance that he may not deserve or if I finally let him go…
Do I have to spend my life trying to try? Trying to fix things? No. Wrong question. But yes, being alive is being hopeful. Hopeful? Even though life eats you up all the way from the inside before it even begins to show on the outside. I’m talking about the scars you have from letting blood, because that makes sense; you cut yourself and blood escapes the crease that separates what binds the skin together.
Nor the bags under your eyes caused from endless sleepless nights or disturbed sleep caused by misread and confounding dreams that make you want to avoid sleep, one of the only things in this world that’s naturally an amnesic; sort of.
Nor the damaged liver you probably have gotten from the nightly ritual of consuming alcohol that’s habited itself into your sad, uneventful life.
Nor am I talking about the short-term memory you’ve developed from being inebriated on benzoes or abusing other drugs everyday just to try to go by your day and most especially to drown the bastard that’s only beginning to learn how to swim.
There’s probably more than just that? Am I missing anything else?
I thought about you again today. I talked about you. It was quite a mess. I couldn’t gather up the words to say. There is just too much to share.
Good times and bad, you were always there. As I was for you. Memories we shared I will forever cherish. Our connection, our ups, and downs. What we’ve been through, what I put you through, what you went through, and those the same for me.
My most precious memory of us together was the night at Rock Fest. The only band we came to see was HURT and Blue October. I remember when you got to met J after their set was done. Shortly after getting back to the crowd I got elbowed that night. Do you remember, I do. We were locking arms standing together protecting these three young girls from the 4 pits surrounding us. I got elbowed in the ribs. I colapses. Blacking out for a moment. Regaining consciousness to you screaming, terrified. Trying to get me out of the crowd. I was screaming and kicking, then some huge guy came out of no where and threw me on top of the crowd to surf out. The bouncer caught me and carried me to the parametics. I was diagnosed with a broken rib. You soon made your way to me with so much worry in your blue eyes. You carried me to where the drunk tank was so the oficers could provide me care for the next hour. Making sure I didn’t have a punctured lung. You sat with me and we laughed. I decided not to go to the hospital that night, my rib is still broken and always will be. It never healed after that night.
After night fall we went back to the stage, 60% pf the people left by then so it was empty and cold. You gave me your jacket. Blue october had just gotten to the stage. We were standing side by side. Then 18th floor balcony came on and you came behind me. Wrapped your arms around my waist, resting your head on my shoulder. We swayed back and forth. I could feel your heart beat on my back.
Do you remember when I was inches frm my edge? I told you my plan in every detail. How I would die, what I would do. You stayed with me for days on end. Making sure I was ok, trying to talk me out of it. You watched me prepare my suicide remember? Do you remember what I told you? That night you ended it. I drove you home and we sat outside for hours talking. You cried when you told me that you couldn’t do this anymore. That you had to leave. And I’m so sorry Jordan that it had to be that way, after all it was my fault.
Do you remember the night you were in my bathroom and “he” showed up? This was the first time I’ve seen “him” do you remember me riding in the ambulance with you that night, holding your hand? The parametic asked me if I was your girlfriend, and I laughed. You came back and cried the hardest I’ve ever seen you cry befor, then “he” came back again. Do you remember me visiting you everyday in the hospital for a week? Everone was asking you if I was your girlfirend and you laughed. I remember seeing the doctors with you, telling him what I could. I remember him giving us shit for not dating. We laughed Jordan. We found out you have schizophrenia. It was severe. I always knew that you had something similar. After years of pushing you, we finally got you on the right track. The medications helped tremendously. I was so hapoy for you. I still am. I finally fixed so much of you that was gone or broken.
I helped you get through so much in life. Do you remember them all? I do. I hope you’re still kicking. You’re strong after all, you’re like me, as I am to you.
Do you remember when we graduated school together? When I was walking and vomiting on our way to school. I was so sick that day, but we laughed. We were determined to get out diplomas. You were the first person to accept me into your home after convincing your mother. I lived with you for 3 months remember?
Jordan do you rember the discussions we always had? Sharing our complete selves with each other. Our entire lives. I know absolutely everything there is to know about you, smae for you to I. We shared what we went through in our minds as well. What you struggled with daily, and what I struggled with daily.
Jordan, I’m sorry. And I know I’ve said this countless times. You have every right to not believe me, because I wouldnt believe me either. But I am truely sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. What I stole from you. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Tonight I realized that I was that person to you, as those people were to me. I’m crying tonight. What I did was wrong. It was selfish.
You were in love with me. And I know that you still are. You always had a nack for trying to block out your feelings towards me. But it never worked. I always made you crack. It was adorable. You would get giddy like a school girl, blush, and nervous. And I took that all away from you. I didn’t love you like you did for me. I lead you on, I slept with you and we tried dating off and on. When we did date people would tell is that we were perfect for each other. Even if we were not dating people would say were an amazing couple. See I tried to love you like you love me Jordan. But I couldn’t find it. I tired everything I could. I’m sorry I left you, more than once. I’m sorry for the pain I put you through.
Jordan honey, I miss you. I don’t miss you because of the usual reasons. Jordan, I love you. It may not be the way you love me, but I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you. I miss you Jordan, I really do. I hope you’re happy and successful. I hope you found love. The love I was never able to give you.
From the deepest regions on my heart,
Your other half, Brianna.
I am tired, ive struggled for many years now, through chronic pain and major depression. I became distant from my partner and now i have lost her, we have been separated for the last year, and while i love her with all my heart i know we can never be together again,
my regret will be leaving my little girls, but i know watching there Daddy slowly decline will be worse for them, i only have one wish, and that is to hope they will know that daddy will love them forever, and i will always be with them, i only have a week or two left, i just need to decide what i will do…
Let’s make this a monthly thing, anyone can start it.
Once a month, near the end of the month, let’s have “Tea time”.
Tea time is grabbing a cup of tea, coffee, water, soda, alcohol, simpily something to drink. (If you have nothing, that’s ok you don’t have to).
The rules will apply:
1) No hate.
2) No methods.
3) No partners (the same basic rules of SP).
4) No random blurts (you can have fun but be considerate).
5) No judgements.
6) Let each other express themselves freely.
7) Relax and share something about yourself.
This is a chance to talk in a group or one on one with someone. Discussions will follow with;
- Suicide (doesn’t have to be you, it can be about someone else struggling or previously commited).
- Life expierences, good and bad.
- What you accomplished today, or what you feel as if you failed today.
- Stories about love, hope, progress, and survival.
- Stories about struggles, fears, depression, and loss.
- And so on (these are examples listed above).
This is a time where we can all group together in comfort. To simpily relax and unwind.
Suicide Project is a family, so let’s bring ourselves closer to each other.
Now, grab your glasses, it’s tea time.
(Things may be changed around after each tea time. Beaubri will be the admin of tea time. Who ever decides to host the next tea time, just copy and paste this entry. Please don’t edit the entry and post the entire thing.)
I play piano and it really helps take my mind off of things. I’m always running out of things to play, or stuck at current pieces I’m working on. So I thought, to help practice and to distract my mind, maybe i should start uploading piano request videos.
So, name a song, any song you would like to hear. Hopefully i can put something together within 24 hours.
(I also do guitar)
If you’re in the US, wouldn’t it be crazy if a group of us got together and lived in a place together? Helping each other financially, emotionally, contributing together.. It’s probably crazy.. But for those who have no one, like me, i think its the best thing we could ask for right now.. And im all for it, if anyone else is..