7 Pm. Last Monday.
I took 25 Vicodin pills and a glass of vodka.
I said goodbye to everybody, and then I felt guilty. My first thought was like I’m doing this because I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. I cried a lot. Wrote a few letters and then I don’t know what really happened next.
When I woke up, I was puking all over the hospital, I remember my mom crying and she told me: You have to survive because I have no one left. A few hours later, I found myself in this white lonely room, and I have vomit all over the bed. The doctor came and ask me for my wrist ”what happened to you?” and I didn’t answer.
I spend 3 days, alone in this white room. Without my mom. Just me and this old tv and some annoying doctors asking me for my wrist.
Thursday 6, 3 Am. Still sad, and right now i’m crying a lot. I feel like I’m a disappointment. I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m so sick of this bullshit.
Sick because I feel so lonely, like all goes by myself. My mom, she’s never there for me. Literally I have to die so she can be by my side. And I don’t want to leave her alone, but I just.. 2 years like this, I can’t handle it anymore. This wasn’t the first time. And I’m really mad because they keep saving me and I don’t want that. I’m so done with this.
20 comments
I’m sorry things are so rough. Hugs
shit happens, life’s like this. thx
Wow, your description brought a really powerful image to mind, even though nothing like that has ever happened to me.
Do you feel like talking about what happened the last 2 years? It’s ridiculous that you’d have to kill yourself to get some help, but is your mom different now?
I have a theory that when things get as bad as they can get, sheer logic says it has to get better…
Last 2 years.. It’s just hell for me. I don’t like to talk about it because I start crying and shit. It’s been really hard and it’s ridiculous. My mom idk what’s wrong with her, she change a lot the past 2 years.
I’m sorry about this. At times it seems like shit has to really go to extreme levels for people to really show their care… that doesn’t mean they don’t care normally, but it’s easy taking people for granted and assuming they’ll always be there. Been there (people showing care once i’ve attempted, not much before), and i really do hope things get better for you. Take care.
I hope I can get out of this shit, and I’m working on it! thx I will, you too.
hey- yesterday was 6 years since my last attempt- i’ll use that word because i’m still here but i’d been working for close to a year getting what i needed- i had 20 ********, i cannot tell you the shit i had to go through to get that, UGH… still pisses me off, anyhow, I also had valium and morphine… i mean seriously- is this not the recipe for !!!!!DO NOT RESUSCITATE !!!!!
long story short, i left the patio door slightly opened for my dog to go in and out- it was mid morning, I lived by myself at the time but i wanted to do it when the neighbors were all at work cause at night they were always over. anyhow, my dog got freaked out, think i was convulsing or something and dug her way out of my patio and into the street- by pure bad freakin luck, a neighbor (who happens to be an EMT) was running home because he had left his ID badge that lets him in and out of the hospital. so, he sees my dog, knows its my dog, knows i am never without my dog, and knows i’m home cause my car is there. my dog is all wiggin out like Lassie and this guy knows something is up— he climbs the back fence into the open patio door and saves the god damn fucking day!!!!
is that not some bullshit???
so, trust me when i say, i know just what you are going through!!
question though- you posted that your mom said you were all she had left- who else have you lost?
It’s really hard!.. I live with my mom she’s not a drug addict or something I think she’s just scared or something, my dad left her and my youngest sister is living with my grandma for the exact same reason. So she can grow up happy without problems.. That’s why she told me that..
Oh, wow! That would suck… a year of planning and then THAT happens!!
right?!? thank you for understanding…. fucking bad bad luck- story of my life!
yikes! sounds like you are mothering your mom and no one is being a mom to you… no offense to mom- do you think if she got herself together you would feel better? like not having the pressure of being everything to her may alleviate some stress for you-
could she have like a panic disorder or anxiety? any phobias? can you possibly discuss it with your grandma maybe (your mom’s mom I’m assuming) and see what can be done for her?
i had a real selfish mother- like narcissistic (not implying that is your case) but no one ever told me back then, (i’m 29 now eek…) that it wasn’t my job to hold everything together it was my mom’s.
can you and your mom stay with your grandma and little sister?
can you call your dad? does he even know?
try not to keep bottling everything up- your life has gone to shit since your family broke up and you have a right to be upset about that so find your voice- you deserve better than what’s been given to you by your parents-
have you ever heard the expression, the squeaky wheel gets the oil?? if you haven’t- i think it applies to you — squeak girl, squeak loud… !!
I’m always alone, i don’t know where she is or when is she coming back. I tried to talk about this with my grandparents, they didn’t care, I remember they told me ”She’s not our problem anymore” and then they took my sister away. My mom.. she is being a kid. I feel like she thinks it’s my fault my dad left or something because shes always angry with me and that makes me feel like crap, because i’m the one taking care with everything, i’m the only one who cares about her and hell no, i can’t talk to my dad It’s too hard for me, I blame him for what’s happening right now. At least my mother hang out with her friends and that make more relieve because I know she’s fine. But, c’mon i’m 16 years old, i’m suppossed to have a boyfriend or something, to have bff and have fun and all that shit and i can’t.. i’m sorry I just feel like i’m drowning all alone
don’t apologize, you have every right to be upset and everything you said makes perfect sense. don’t tell yourself your crazy or that there is something wrong with you cause there isn’t. you are reacting to years of bullshit of which none of it was created by you… ugh! parents really piss me off sometimes!!! your dad left cause he’s an asshole and your mom is angry because she’s hurt and being selfish- don’t carry this burden, it will only continue to weigh you down- you’re parents are a mess but that doesn’t mean you have to be… be better, be a kid while you still can-
maybe when things chill out you can talk to your mom and tell her everything you expressed here, just don’t give up— and not for your mom but for you-
the world has been pretty shitty for me too but i gotta say, there’s been some breathtaking moments- you deserve those too
It seems like inept mothers are the order of the day nowadays… not meaning to offend anyone here, but at least mine and some of my friends mothers seems like children. Mine got it together to a degree with my younger sisters, but continues to act like a kid at times. I do remember her being a mess when she left my father (for another guy who left her, isn’t life funny), and if you are alone dealing with that (like i did)… yeah, i can relate to your issues.
If you can get anyone on the picture to help you (like another relative or anything) do so. Else you are just wearing down yourself by taking part of your mother issues. Remember, you are not the parent, she is…. and… really, get help for the stuff you took, that might end up even worse :/
Inept Mother here! *raises hand*
Yep. It’s an internal debate for me as to whether it would be worse for my kids to have a Mother like me, who is really no role model at all, or no Mother. They have a ‘step’ Mum who I’m sure would do a better job as a role model than me, even though I’ve always done my best with the best of intentions.
The fact that you care and recognize there are things you could change already proves you are being too hard on yourself. One thing is making mistakes (everyone makes them), but when instead of recognizing them you try to hide them, shift guilt, and make even worse mistakes for reasons that aren’t even justifiable… yeah, there you have the case i was talking about.
To give an example, i found out (23 years later) that the one who cheated and filed divorce was my mom… because i found a letter hidden that put her on evidence (she wrote it). All that time everyone would say my dad was a cheater, a liar, didn’t want to fix things, bailed on us… al lies. My stepsisters still believe that to this day, and my mom still believes i don’t know and continues to blame him when i touch the subject, lol.
So yeah, i’m aware that not all parents are the same, in your case you say you’ve done the best with the best of intentions and even say your children are better off with someone else… so that proves you really care and makes you unfit to qualify as an inept mother 🙂
not even a question you should pose… no one will love your babies like you, and i think they sense that- step mom can pitch in but you are and will always be #1 in their hearts-
Thank you. I just know that with all my “handicaps”, even with the best of intentions, I’m not ever going to be the best mother. For the same reasons other things in my life have failed, I guess.
you are aiming for the impossible sweet mama! you can’t be perfect but the fact that you want to be tells me your a fucking awesome mom!!
In the past couple weeks I’ve had my 8yo daughter comment on my lack of friends, tell me I need to get a job and to say “we’re poor, aren’t we?” I realised that she’s at the age where she’s starting to notice these things. Then I look at my sweet 6yo son and think how innocent is he that he thinks his Mummy is just like all the other ones, and that one day he’ll realise how shortchanged he really is… :'(