I miss the girl I used to be. I don’t like the person I see in the mirror anymore. She is even more broken than before. All I see are my scars. Nothing else pushes past them. But I am not in the painful bliss like I used to be. It is almost as if the pain from them has just dissolved into me. I don’t feel anything on the outside anymore and all of my emotions and thoughts that used to keep me numb are focused on the pain of the past. I’ve gotten so used to the pain just being on the outside. So how else do I deal with the pain on the inside but inflict more pain on the outside to rival it?
That is why I am here right now. I’ve got a towel pure and white tainted with my dark red blood. Yet, I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel anything but I feel everything at the same time. My thoughts are tainted too. So I guess I am back to the beginning. Just me, my thoughts, and my scars. No life inside, no life in my eyes. Just the tears as they fall, although I can’t feel them. If there is no life anywhere in me then why am I still alive? No one else needs me. Hell no one even sees me. I can’t be near other people. I can’t be touched. I can’t love to be loved in return. I just can’t. Too bad that means I can’t bring myself to leave either. So here I will stay.
I hope someone out there understands. And if you are one of those people who do, I hope you are feeling something, anything at all really. Because this is not what I wish on anyone.
To all the broken and scarred, I don’t know if it get better but you aren’t alone tonight.
~Ash <3