I have this cycle. I am okay. Or at least I have myself almost convinced I am okay. And then I am less okay. And less okay. Until I am in this pit where nothing but my darkness exists. And I’ve been trying to cut out the darkness. Hoping precisely made incisions will help with all this pain. Maybe if I slit open the right spot it won’t hurt this much. But it does. I always fall back into this hole. And I don’t want to do it anymore.
The other day I wrapped up all my loose ends and went to sleep praying to a god I don’t actually believe in to make it stop. But it didn’t. It never does. So I guess it’s time to take matters into my hands. But I don’t think I really have it in me to go that far. I wish that I did. I do. Maybe then this pain could stop. Maybe then I could finally be enough.
But that’s just wishful thinking.
2 comments
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such pain. I can understand the cycle of thinking “oh shit, it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to hurt myself” and then falling right back into it and being angry about falling back into it. It’s a real struggle. I hope that you’re able to figure out things to drag yourself out of the pit. We deserve to be able to try to move forward without feeling like we’re moving mountains. Take care.
I hope so too. We do deserve more, at least more than this. Thanks.