To Those Who May Have Lost Hope

I am going to tell my life story up to today. There is a point to this, so just bear through all of this. I promise, it may be worth reading. I’ve been familiar with sad things for my whole life. When I was five, my mom kicked my dad out because he was an alcoholic and a drug user; he also treated her very badly. I remember seeing him occasionally after that. I didn’t realize what my dad was into until I was much older, where I grew up watching him drink and abuse his girlfriend. In 2^nd grade, a man moved in with us and became my mother’s best friend. My sister and he had many problems with each other. When I was about 10, my mom was put into the hospital, and I didn’t understand why we weren’t allowed to see her. When she came back home, she slept all the time and wouldn’t touch us or let us near her. Also, this is the time when things got really bad between my sister and my mom’s friend. My sister got into many things she shouldn’t have at age 13 (I was still 10), and eventually got taken away by the state. I didn’t really see her much again until she was 16, almost 17, when she came back home pregnant.  During that time, I was compared to my sister all the time, being told that I was no better than her. At 13, my mom gave me a note that would change my life. I told my mom that I had felt really sad and she asked me if I wanted to see a therapist. I told her yes, and was soon diagnosed with depression. My dad went to jail that year. Also during this time, I went to many church camps, in search of something I was missing, but didn’t quite understand what that was. During 10^th grade, I signed up for an academic program, and over that summer, I stayed away from home for the first time for more than a week. When I came home, I stayed in my room almost constantly and emerged myself in the online world. I hardly ate, and my depression grew worse. While all this was going on, my therapists began to switch pretty frequently. I started to get on online dating sites, again trying to fill the hole I felt. I also talked to people on chat rooms fairly frequently. I started realizing the mess I was getting myself into when people began asking me to send them naked photos or go on camera with them. I began to feel used and was manipulated into doing this even when I begged not to. It upset me to displease them, but hurt me even more to continue. My mom caught me several times and grounded me. I felt like everything I did was wrong, and decided to start cutting myself. I swore to myself and my therapist that after the first time I would never do it again; I ended up continuing to hurt myself. I didn’t completely stop until almost a year later. I also tried to kill myself three times. From the ages 15-17 all I really knew was being sad. Only in the past few months have I began to see things change for me. I’ve realized life has its up and downs. I know this was a long story but my point is that you may be lost, ready to give up. I would like for you to take my story as an example. Things will get better, you just have to tough it out. I’m not going to say its easy, because I know its not. I believe in you and know that you can make it through. Its okay to ask for help if you need it, an even if you don’t realize you need help, or if you think this will pass soon, don’t shy away from people. Try to speak up. I know its hard, but it is possible. Don’t be ashamed of how you feel, there are also others who feel the same way. Life is hard, life is unfair, but there is more to life than just whatever you’re going through. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. You can email me anytime at: wrenkate12@aol.com and I will reply.