Just as dry summers pant for the first rain,
so thou art thirsty for a happy home
and for a life remote, like hermit’s prayer,
a corner of forgetting and of love.
And thirsty for the ship upon the sea
that ever onward sails with birds and sea-things,
filling its life with our great planet’s light.
But unto thee both ship and home said: ”No!
Look neither for the happiness remote
that never moves, nor for the life that ever finds
in each new land and harbor a new soul!
Only the panting of a toiling slave
for thee! Drag in the market place thy body’s
nakedness, strange to the strangers and thine own!”
From the poetry collection ”Life Immovable” (or ”The Motionless Life”), published in 1904. Translation by Aristides Phoutrides.
Today was my friends high school graduation. I went because that’s what friends do, right? During the ceremony I was sitting with my other friend, and I was texting the one guy who knows about my depression. It was light hearted and joking conversation but he’s not the best at conversation so I stopped responding because all I wanted to do was tell him how I’m doing mentally. But it wasn’t the time or place. But I haven’t seen him in a while and I got to see him today but I wasn’t able to to talk to him in person because we each had other obligations. But just seeing him is making me fall into that depressive mood because I just want to talk to him but I can’t.
But after the graduation I drove by myself home and I just wish I had someone with me. And I’m having family issues because they want to talk about other people who have depression but I don’t want them to know about me. And it just pisses me off because my mom keeps acting like she’s the expert on depression and I just need to get out of here. Anyways so today was suppose to be about my friend because she’s the one who graduated and after the graduation I just feel really lonely right now so I was texting my two friends and tried to make the conversation about me to the point where I think I am going to tell them about mydepression the next time I get the chance. But I’m not sure if I want to do that. I feel like I only want to tell them so they pay more attention to me and care more for me. I feel like I want to force them into giving a shit about me.
(Sorry if my posts jump around a lot. I just have a lot of thoughts but don’t know how to explain them fully)
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be somewhere, but I just don’t know where. Somewhere far from here. I hate how they stare. They rarely do it, but when they do, it’s always in disgust. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out. Where can I go? Thank you for listening.
OK so I’m going home for a week because my parents are fucking nuts I am going by myself. Enough days in a week to brain wash my husband that my family is Satan minions.the in laws are acting like y family will chain my down to ground so I don’t come back …not like O want to. But what am I gonna do nothing becuase I am a worthless piece of shit .
I all ready yelled at the top of my lungs to stop saying my family will hold me captive .they didn’t care my mother in law is already in her head looking for a way to buy her son out of his marriage and look for a good wife for him .
I should be happy to go home but all I am is gonna argue and fight for five days by myself .there is a lot more things said but I don’t feel like writing it . I also cut so much I can give out thin sliver of kupo to Everybody . Also five days away means I I can dig into my thigh is much as I want I feel it was need .
I don’t know if any body has been in house with the whole house hold making you feel unwanted and if you were to take knife to your neck no one will care .
Everybody will be better if I was gone I hope my plane go’s down . And I only die can’t find my body so I don’t bothered anyone .
She keep saying I’m not coming back I can’t take any of this any more .
I’m all alone .
I guess I should start from the beginning. I am 17 almost 18 and have a brother who is 16 and a sister who is 20. My life sucks is complicated and somewhat confusing at times.
I was adopted when I was 4 by a family who we were all happy to be part of. I was adopted because my parents did drugs and were nearly always unconscious. We were malnourished and my sister was looking after us. So I guess the positive was we got a new family and well that’s where things were supposed to get better but in fact things somehow got worse.
My brother started to get in trouble at school and got expelled at the age of 6. He continued to struggle at school and by the age of 11 had been expelled from 3 schools! During this time I was at high school and always seemed like a lovely, bright, bubbly kid. But I hid a secret from my friends, I was struggling. When I was at home my brother often kicked off and would beat me up. Meanwhile when things got rough my mum turned to me to sort things out to comfort her and calm down my brother. Then if things could get any worse they could. My sister got into the wrong crowd at school and started smoking and drinking at the age of just 12! She had always been a troubled child but never showed it. She gave up in school and failed her GCSE’s, and on top of that she became violent and aggressive at home. She also started getting in trouble with the police for Arson and shoplifting. My mum and dad then devoted their time to getting my brother into a new school and trying to get my sister support.
In all of this I kept quite I didn’t tell anyone how much I hated going home, what actually went on. How I felt when my mum leaned on me. Soon things got worse my sister continued to be violent and left home at the age of only 15! Little did we know that she was struggling to deal with things that happened to us before we got adopted and she had developed depression. So mum and dad once again turned to getting help for my sister.
It was about this time that I started to really struggle with the situation at home, but I still didn’t say anything cause my mum and dad were dealing with everything else but soon I felt left out as if I didn’t exist. Some days my mum forgot I was even at home until I asked what was for tea. At this time I was in high school and little did my parents know that everyday I was bullied, or referred to as the yr7 who got expelled sister. I often went to my parents for help only to be welcomed with ‘ not now’ or ‘bit busy atm’ or ‘ I am not strong enough. After my sister left things got worse. My brother was diagnosed with executive functioning disorder which meant he struggled with handling frustration, starting and finishing tasks, recall/ follow simple directions, plan/ organise or self monitor.
Then something none of us saw coming happened, my brother ended up in hospital for beating himself up and attempting to strangle himself. He had to be held down by 8 paramedics an image I have never got out of my head. This happened 2 times. Both times I went to school the next day because I couldn’t handle my mum turning to me and using me as her leaning stick or take her anger out on me just like my brother and my sister had. After my sister left school the rules at home became worse, weeks/ months of pocket money taken away, no tv, computer etc. We lived in the middle of nowhere so it became hard to actually go anywhere. Music however was my best friend it comforted me when I was struggling but then my mum started taking it off me and I hit the roof. When me and my brother kicked off my mum would lock us out of the house for up to 5 hours once for 7.
My grades at school started to slip as I couldn’t concentrate at home, due to my brother always kicking off and then turning on me and I would have to deal with him and then go and comfort my mum. I barely ever got to go to see friends as my mum would take her frustration out on me which I would react to and then get punished. So I started to stay after school so I could focus on my work and funnily enough my grades got better. But home continued to get worse I could no longer pretend that I was okay or that I was happy. So my anger at home got worse and mum started calling the police on me. The first time cause I pushed a bowl of cereal off the kitchen table, second cause I trashed my room, third cause I accidentally kicked my mum and the 4th time cause I threw a waste paper basket. She then started using the police as a threat whenever I was annoyed or when I left the garden.
Then in my last year at high school my sister took an overdose and went into hospital for 4 days as she took 30 tablets. It nearly killed me seeing her there she was like a mum to me. She said she was gonna walk out and didn’t care if she bleed to death. I have never managed to get this image out of my head. I went to school the next day as I was doing my GCSE’s. Things at home just got worse and worse and I finally started to express how I felt but my mum said I didn’t feel like that and it wasn’t true and when I cried she told me to stop self pitying.
Then the summer I finished high school my mum started to take my bedroom door of me as punishment for slamming my door. I had lost my privacy as well as basically being prisoner in my home and being treated as n a 10 yr old. My mum always had to be right though we were all wrong and she was always right just because she was a grown up.
I had developed depression as well by this time and started self harming as a way to release the pain. And eventually by the end f that summer at the age of 16 I had had enough and ended up taking an overdose. Saddest part my mum didn’t believe I had taken it that I was just an attention seeker. I didn’t go to hospital the doctor advised I ate something which in the end I did. Mum still didn’t believed I had done it which made me mad.
In September 2014 I went to a boarding school, I loved it but felt out of place everyone was so much more grow up than me as my parents had basically stopped me from growing up. I started at Wymondham as a happy girl but soon could be who I was not pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I found focusing on studying hard when home was falling apart. Soon I ended up being sent to my aunties in Portsmouth cause my mum and dad couldn’t handle me. I got social workers involved but it made the situation worse mum had a go at me every weekend an asked me to apologise which I wasn’t going to.
I struggled with boys as well at school they used my vulnerability to their advantage. I finally left school in easter and moved into a flat which I enjoyed and a boy I had, had a crush on for 7 months asked me out. So things were looking up my relationship with my mum improved, however the past I hadn’t sorted out so I couldn’t put it behind me. Then 4 weeks ago I got dumped, we had slept together 2 times and he said he loved me and I loved him and cared for him, he was also my best friend and all of a sudden I had lost everything again. Home was still to stressful to go to so I stayed at the flat but became lonely and hurt, confused, misunderstood, used so much that I just didn’t want to live anymore so I took an overdose and had paramedics and police looking after me and then went home. But a week later I still didn’t want to live so ended up in hospital after taking an overdose from there I went into foster care and am now a looked after child. My parents want no contact with me, I am miles away from my brother and sister. My sister doesn’t want to talk to me. Its my brothers bday tomorrow and I wont be able to be there.
I have lost everyone and everything I cared for. I cant do it anymore I have tried to keep going but now I have no purpose. No job, no family, nothing.
I am going to my prom next week but then I am done
I am going to leave this world
Why do you cause me pain?
why do nothing when I cry?
Why do you break my heart?
Am I not good enough for you?
I search for you throughout my day, I work hard so I can come home to see you, I strive for your love but you don’t see, you don’t care, you just yell, I finally have the courage to tell you what I’m feeling and you scream at me an to what I feel, I get thrown back down, then you get angry because I don’t tell you what’s wrong. You say you struggle everyday but when I say, you yell at me.
All I want is for you is to show me some sort of love or just for you to care.
I’ve been through this struggle for too long, how am i suppose to go any further? Am I to try harder? Am I to leave? Or is it easier to drive a knife through my heart?
i was home alone for the bulk of the day. i should have killed myself whilst i had the chance. i should have gotten it over with.
why am i still alive.
I don’t think all people have a purpose. I even think some people will be stepped on and overlooked through the entirety of their life. Not everyone can have a fairy tale life or like in the movies. It makes those people more miserable seeing people have things fall in place for them while they struggle so much. I just don’t get why assisted suicide isn’t a thing. I mean they would rather have abortions in hospitals than in their home or on the street. They both are deaths of a human being. Let suicide happen in hospitals where people can say goodbye.
I can’t take this emotional spiral I feel like everyone is against me No one really cares I’ve been home for 6 day from residential I’m so done with this rollercoaster I’m getting off I’m gonna cut my brachial artery (the place you get blood drawn opposite of elbow,any tips or advice plz comment
I’m not doing well tonight. Got in a fight with my boyfriend. It wasn’t a huge fight or anything but it just left me feeling so bad. We had a nice dinner planned. Well, he did. Then one little thing I didn’t do set him off and now he’s sleeping but he made himself something to eat. It’s absolutely stupid really. He was mad because didn’t have a beer for him when he got home from work. Nevermind the fact I was on my way back from the store when he happened to get home an hour early. No use explaining. I really didn’t feel like arguing because I know I haven’t done a damn thing wrong. Hell, all the dishes were done and the house was straightened up. He has his issues and I know I have mine too. It’s just disappointing when you have plans and the other persons mood swings get in the way. I know I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and will make my own damn dinner eventually. I just feel sad I guess. I try so hard to help him and keep the house up and take care of myself too but this week I was really sick for close to two days and I’m not quite 100% yet but I’m trying. It’s not like I’m surprised by this behavior, just disappointed. It’s just got me in a funk.
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and my only real free time is when I can escape to the gym… it was nice when I had my ex because at least I could lean on him for support.
I forgot to schedule transportation for her…. and she’s had the appointment scheduled for months. All day long I’ve been on the phone, trying to get someone to help her out. And nothing. It’s my fault. If she’s in pain, it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I feel SO bad. She can’t get another appointment for MONTHS because the doctor is booked up. It’s all MY FAULT!!!
I feel so terrible. I told her… I told her that I probably shouldn’t be taking care of her. She looked scared but empathetic. Her choice would be a nursing home. I suffer from depression and anxiety… I have no business trying to take care of my mother.
I don’t know what to do……… To have this much weight on my shoulders…. I don’t wish it upon anybody.
Theres so much I feel like saying today, but then I try and there’s nothing. I go blank. Been feeling like this most of the day, my vision has been all jumpy and strange, & there is no cohesion to my thoughts.
Kinda feel like staying on this train forever ( Im on my way home from work), and dissapearing and starting all over again. Or just dissapearing. I feel like ive past my used by date sometimes. Like I somehow missed my date with the grim reaper. Probably slept thru it, knowing myself. Hiding under the doona and he couldnt find me.
Anyway ive talked enough shit, will finish with this.
If ur young and live at home, dont kill urself till u try living out on ur own. Parents always suck and they will screw u up no matter what. Cos the truth is, they probably had no idea how to raise a happy well adjusted person. If that person even exists. Im still waiting to meet them.
Take care everyone.
I think the fact that I been cutting on an unusual amount recently has finally got me. I finally talked to both of my parents they’re both telling me to come home which I’m starting to think they’re right I’ve only been here 1 month the Amount have a Damage made to myself is too much . I think I’m actually might have left a scar so I I haven’t left a scar since I was 17 years old .when I left the the first letter of the words garbage worthless dirt selfish junk and I should kill myself .I seen yesterday those letters are right underneath work harder I’ve accumulated a lot of cuts my arm too.
so while talking to me mother and father I took up some coping skills everybody says they take a pen and write down what you’re feeling. instead of cutting.apparently if you put enough force on a pen you get a nice big old cut that says I want to die on your arm.whoever does this use a marker because I don’t think it will cut you.
finally stopped crying while writing this but I’ll probably start right back up once I’m done.
no I haven’t agreed with my parents for a long time but I think they’re right because I don’t think I could do this anymore my mother use the words today we gave you enough rope to hang yourself… I don’t really want to die I just want to be happy. I don’t leave any more scars I don’t know how I was able to look at them and feel happy. why would cutting myself open and seeing blood and watching it scab over .make me feel happy in any way I’m literally destroying my body because I am so unhappy.
I need to go home weather my husband comes home with me or not I don’t care.I can’t do this anymore I can’t take this anymore I cant I can’t
I am many awful things but I really don’t know what I did to suffer this way really don’t know..
*I’m crying again *
It’s so hard to write about this. U’ll be the first people who will know the truth about me even though you even don’t know my real name.
So…When my mom was pregnant, it turned up she had MS. This cannot be cured. There is no treatment. No chance. It can only gets worse. And it gets. I was the child she was going to born. My mom had the second, healthy baby but I’d like not to be ever born. If I hadn’t be born, she would be healthy now. She could be leading a happy life with my father and sister.In the first years she could walk. I remember small me, helping her. Moving her feets so she could get to the kitchen. Then I went to school. I didn’t tell anyone about the illness of my mother. She told me not to do that. I think she has always been ashamed of her disease even though it’s my fault, not her. Right now…She is in really bad condition. She hasn’t got enough strenght to move. Luckily, my sister is strong enough to help her. I’m too weak, not good enough. I do my best, but that’s never enough. This disease is destroying us all. No one in this home is happy. Everyone is angry, disappointed with their lives. I love my mom and I’m praying to God. I ask him to take my life and give my mom her health back, but he doesn’t listen. DOES HE NOT HEAR ME? I deserve for death! My mom should have never been ill. She had so many dreams…Travelling, continuing her career. Right now she is at home all the time. She’s afraid of new people, ashamed of herself. If it hadn’t been me, it could be so different.
I am the reason why she is crying.
You know what? That’s just one of the reasons why I want to leave. That’s even funny, isn’t it?
It was almost magical, the way we met. We had talked online occasionally for a few months before, on and off. The day before she went back to school from spring break, she told me where her home was. Only a 30 minute drive from where I lived. We immediately decided to meet. When we met we exchanged stuffed animals. She thought I was going to take her to Taco Bell. I ended up sharing a plate of pasta with her in a restaurant, then brought her home where we watched a movie. Her head was in my lap, and looking deep in each others’ eyes, we shared our first kiss. When I brought her home I lightly touched my lips where she had kissed. She looked back at me, giggled, and waved goodbye.
Over the next few months we talked a lot. She had a habit of not staying in contact with anyone, friends and family included, but she made an exception for me. I was someone she “never knew she wanted.” She wanted to be with me forever. She wanted to have a life with me. At least, that’s what she said. We had an incredible year with nothing but happiness and love. She was a virgin when she met me, and she felt like she could trust me with her first time; the first night we made love, she was shaking. She was having second thoughts. I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want, and showed her a present I had gotten her: a beautiful coat made of velvet. I wrapped her in it and kissed her. Immediately, she stopped shaking. She relaxed. When we broke he kiss she looked in my eyes and told me she wanted me to be her first, she was sure of it now.
We had an incredible year. I introduced her to my friends, she ingrained herself in every part of my life. She accepted me the way no other girl ever had. I told her about my past; being abused and used by many girls, sleeping around and not having serious relationships afterwards. Most girls bristled when I told them. Not her. She took my hand and said it didnt matter, she loved me. I let go of my past. I let go of the resentment and anger. She showed me I could love fully. She was my soul mate. At least, I believed so.
i found out she had depression by accident. she accidentally left an empty pill bottle in my house and was terrified id leave her. I just said she had to be truthful with me. She said she would never lie to me again. She seemed to have it under control so I didn’t hound her any more about it.
The night before it happened she talked to me for five hours, a bit longer than usual. I thought it was just homesickness, since she had just gone back to school. There was no fight, no page argument or slammed doors. No shouting or screaming. A nice, everyday chat between lovers, so I thought. The next day I was walking out of a grocery store after buying a sandwich. Valentines decorations were just put up and I thought about how I’d surprise her. The taste of the sandwich was still in my mouth when I got the call from the police station. I still taste it whenever I eat now.
“are you her boyfriend? Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”
“yes” I didn’t worry about being in trouble.
“did you two have a fight? Did you two break up?”
“no, what happened? Is she okay?”
“no, she is not okay.”
They couldn’t tell me any more. Only family members, which I was not. I looked up news in her area. “College age girl involved in an accident.” Could be anyone but I knew. Deep in my heart I knew. I got confirmation from her parents that night.
the next few weeks and months were a spiral of self destruction. I have delusions she is still alive. Sometimes I still do. I dug into her life. Her parents were abusive and contributed to her suicide but she never told me. She had had attempts before but her parents didn’t help her. It explained why she only left me a suicide note and nobody else.
I am still devastated. Every day I think of ending my life. She was the one. The girl is been searching for my whole life. It feels as if my soul, my very being has been torn out and my body just wants to join it. I hate her for breaking every promise she made me. She was mine and I was hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I love her more than anything in the world. I want her to come home to me. Come home to me so we could have the life we dreamed of.
The last thing she ever said to me was “I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Can’t wait.”
Im still waiting. and I still love her.
I am still suicidal. It’s not getting better, I’m just getting better at hiding it. I have the plan formulated in my head. I know what it’d do to people around me but I hurt so badly, my life is over, what do I have to live for? If there’s an afterlife I can go find her and we can be together forever like we said. If there isn’t then I’ll have gone to sleep forever. Sleep is when I hurt the least anyway.
I had just found my reason to live and it was torn away from me. She told me to find someone else, that she was easily replaceable, but then said over and over how much she loved me. What do I do with that?
Just slept for almost 24 hours. Had a stomach bug at work and couldn’t leave, because we were short-handed. So when I got home at 7am yesterday, I guess my body was like wtf. Now, it’s almost 4am, and I’m awake. And it’s so incredibly lonely. Life is so lonely. I didn’t want to get out of bed and be reminded of that.
(Maybe this is an official “I’m back” post? We’ll see if my mind can keep on track. Good luck following my thoughts.)
I thought I was set for life because I had it planned out until retirement. Graduate high school, go to college and get my degree in accounting, get a job and earn promotions for the next 40 years of my life, retire and move to someplace beautiful and expensive, then wait to die. And I thought no more about it other than just a basic, simple, normal life. That was when I was in 9th grade when I made that plan. I have gone through my life up to (almost) age 21 so far based on 14 year old me’s life plans and just never changed/adjusted them.