It all started when I was little. I would look up at other kids doing things and I would wonder: why? why are they doing all that? I know, there are existentialist questions and I am kinda existentially depressed. The meds cannot get as far as my body and I do feel better physically, I don’t feel stress as intensely as before and I don’t think about suicide. And yet, I do think that suicide is the only way to end life because that’s the obvious truth. I don’t want to live it, it’s beautiful but boring. I have lived on this earth for nineteen years and you might say that it’s too little to judge, but I don’t think so. I’ve seen enough to understand the point of life. It is just to live it and since I don’t want to for the reasons I mention in the title, I cannot bear the thought of living another sixty or even more years. I feel hopeless and needless to say desperate to disappear and be not anymore.
Psychology, psychiatry, philosophy… not any of that helped. Not because they’re unable to, but because I don’t want to be helped. I don’t want to feel better so I can live life. I don’t want to live it. I just don’t like the idea.
Frustration. That is what I feel all day long, every day. Like an old lady or man who cannot accept her or him being old and wants it all to end already.
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Life isn’t boring if you’re picturing through an exciting angle. What do you want to do in life? What are some goals of yours? You don’t have any? Create some. Little or big, use your mind to put bursts of color into your black and white world! Motivate yourself and figure out who you are and stuff you like. Get out of that comfort zone of yours that’s blocking you from the fun passing you by.
I do think life is exciting, but I still am too lazy to overcome the difficult things that must be overcome to enjoy the beauty of life. I’m lazy and even motivation can’t get me too far. I tried, in the past, to create me some goals but it was all so hard I couldn’t cope so I stopped. I also have no patience. I can’t wait for time to pass and that’s, I think, because I don’t really want any of this (meaning life). My world is black and white, and I can’t do otherwise – I succeed or I fail, small steps don’t mean anything to me so I can’t get motivated by them. Also, again, I don’t really want anything. I can only create the wants and the needs for myself but they are a farce after all, they don’t last – ever. And I’m tired of creating them so I stopped some time ago, I can’t go on. Everyday for me now is just boredom and frustration that I am still waking up, still doing things, still living and still doing something.
I know that all this might sound like I’m in my comfort zone, but I am not – believe, this is the most uncomfortable zone I could be in.
Living to only breathe. I can actually relate to you on this. Honestly, I don’t want to know you left this world without friendly advice even if you don’t want it. I’d rather talk to you about anything else besides easy ways to rid you of a life full of nothing. Simply because it isn’t nothing. You just haven’t experienced anything you enjoy.
Can I ask if there was something or some time in your life that you were happy? Not someone…
Extremely. But it all fell apart and my life went to shambles. I keep my head above the water thinking about all the things I want to do. Like become a mother, a teacher, a wife. Yet I’m only 19. So for now I live for the moments I dream of. Hurts that I can’t achieve everything tomorrow but we only have time.
Your responses are so kind and feel much older than your age… I am sure you will get there… I am confident of that…
I just want to lift your spirits and make everything exciting dance it’s way across your fingers. I want to give you paint to splatter on your white canvas. What’s some things you enjoy? Really enjoy. It can be anything.
I would say the only thing that lifts my spirits since a while now is alcohol… I don’t find happiness in the usual things that use to make me happy… Not even my brothers children who use to be the highlight of my life when I saw them, now I just avoid them so they don’t see the depressed me that is left in this shell of a body… (Not that I’m skinny… Sadly… The depression has led me to grow from a uk6 to a now 12…)
Don’t avoid the darlings! Love is love. They’ll love you for everything you are. I know exactly what your talking about with depression and the sizes growing. Let’s just say I’m not very proud but I do love comfort cookies! Lol. Going for walks will help with the depression and your waist. Definitely for the depression. May lift your mood. It feels good going for a walk that makes you sweat (ewwwww Tehe) then coming home and showering. Falling into bed and the sheets are all cold! Yes, please! (: