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Confusion?

by IdealConfusion

So, I’ve always thought that I was straight, and female, and Christian. I’ve been lately questioning these things. When I told my mum about it, she got really angry. She started yelling, and she got out the hand smacking ruler even though I’m a teenager. She’s a Jehovah’s Witness kind of person, so a dumb move on my part, I know.

I’ve always thought I liked guys, and I never questioned that. It was an empty feeling though, but I followed it through, believing it to be true. After a while, I sort of got confused. All my friends (I go to an all-girls school) had shown great infatuation towards the guys at the other all-boys school, but there I was, feeling nothing.

So, I considered the fact that I might be asexual? But mum wants grandchildren, and I’m an only child, and she’d get so angry if she found out otherwise. At this time (this was maybe half a year ago), I was having romantic daydreams about females. I thought it was normal, after all, I went to an all-girls school, wasn’t it normal? They got more frequent and frequent, until I was almost thinking up movies about me and this other girl I know.

It’s off topic, but she’s gorgeous. She has long blonde hair, and the prettiest blue eyes, she’s tall and gorgeous, and I’m a bland and short elf with anger issues, and she’s out of my league, and probably never even noticed me, and I just don’t know why I like her so much.

I never considered the fact that I might like girls, I’d been raised to be horrified towards this, that it was a sin and that homosexuals would burn in hell (no offence intended, that was how I was raised). I’d never really held any opinion on it, although I couldn’t tell my mum that. So I just had to go along with it.

Then, when all my friends wore dresses and things, I didn’t. I just thought I was a tomboyish girl. When mum made me wear dresses, I felt out-of-place, and just wrong, in a way. Also, I got really weird and riled when people pressed on abut my femininity, and I just felt weird, like I was having an out of body experience. And the further it went on, the more the feeling built up, so that everywhere I just felt so weird, I really don’t know. I don’t know what it is. It was only when I started to go on the internet more, I found out more about transgenders, and I wondered if I could be one? I don’t know. I don’t feel right as a girl. I.. don’t know. It’s probably different from others, but this is how I feel it.

I used to be a devout Christian too, I had the bible shoved down my throat. Out of fear, I submit, and did all that. But I feel as if… I don’t really believe in this stuff any more..? I think I’ve converted to an atheist, I don’t know… Is there a god? I feel so silly questioning so much. I think.

And on top of this, I have a crippling social anxiety. I can’t order anything over a counter without crying, I just can’t speak to others. I’m so scared, it’s been half a year since I changed to my new school, I can’t even sit in the cafeteria. I don’t like to eat (not a condition, just not in the mood) I don’t know what to do. I have no friends (I’m not exaggerating. I still can’t talk to strangers).

When I talked to my friend (from my old school, I grew up with her as a baby) about it (my gender identity, my possible crush, my questioning religion, my friendlessness, my anxiety, etc.), she flipped. I haven’t talked to her in 13 days. I think she’s homophobic, but my mum does influence her’s a lot, so maybe that had something to do with it. I’m really alone, so I came looking for somewhere to spill this out. Even if no one reads this, at least I have it out?

I’m not in direct harm of suicide, I’m just… really confused? I don’t know what to do, I am so confused. I want to talk to someone, I’m really confused, as my username suggests.

It seems all really wrong, and I don’t think I’m right. I’m probably just being silly.

4 comments
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4 comments

sickfromthemelt 6/12/2015 - 12:13 pm

I read it 🙂

I’d suggest doing more research, the more you find out, the less confused you will be, when you find yourself, run with it to the ends of the earth, a lot of people in your life won’t take it too well, I’m still coming to terms with that myself, but if it’s what you need, be ready to burn some bridges.

You may want to look at some LGBT bloggers/youtubers/etc. You may find someone you relate to, and it may help a fair bit 🙂

Keep in mind, I’m not a mighty, wise, all-knowing person, so do reach out for a counselor or someone like that to help you figure out who you are and what you want.

I hope this helps you out a little, good luck with discovering yourself.

Also, use private browsing, it pays to be paranoid 😛

hiohneh 6/12/2015 - 2:12 pm

You should know there is nothing wrong with you. Many religious persons have been taught that homosexuality is a sin, but this is wrong. Love is love, why can’t they see that?
A lot of people are confused about their sexuality and end up trying to hide it, which only causes more pain. I understand you want to please your mother, but she can’t live your life for you. It wouldn’t be fair for you to marry a man you don’t love and have a child just so she can be a grandmother. Since she won’t listen to you one on one, maybe you could think about seeing a therapist and have your mother come into the session with you. That way there will be someone else there to support you. Support for the LGBTQ community is growing immensely, so look around and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
I can relate to your social anxiety, I suffer from it as well. I suppose practice makes perfect, I try to go to the store alone at least once a week to give myself exposure. It’s painful but facing your fears will give you a sense of empowerment.
I hope you’re okay. Feel free to vent whenever you need to, this is a safe place. 🙂

black lily 6/12/2015 - 2:22 pm

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. Even though they don’t believe hell exists or that “sinners” will be punished, what I do have to say is don’t let other people tell you what is right and wrong. You HAVE to do what’s right for you.

Even if your initial choices don’t work out great, so what? Try something else. But whatever you do, take care of yourself.

The difficult part is sometimes doing right by you means losing people close to you. But they may come around with time. Get yourself a support system, including a therapist. They will tell you something you have a hard time believing, which is, you aren’t crazy! What?! Hang in there.

Tristeza 6/12/2015 - 8:04 pm

My mom’s a JW too and I know how hard living with them can be. I still live with her and I still attend meetings with her because se begs me to even though I’m agnostic. I hope you find out who you really are and what you really want, good luck!

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