So, I’ve always thought that I was straight, and female, and Christian. I’ve been lately questioning these things. When I told my mum about it, she got really angry. She started yelling, and she got out the hand smacking ruler even though I’m a teenager. She’s a Jehovah’s Witness kind of person, so a dumb move on my part, I know.
I’ve always thought I liked guys, and I never questioned that. It was an empty feeling though, but I followed it through, believing it to be true. After a while, I sort of got confused. All my friends (I go to an all-girls school) had shown great infatuation towards the guys at the other all-boys school, but there I was, feeling nothing.
So, I considered the fact that I might be asexual? But mum wants grandchildren, and I’m an only child, and she’d get so angry if she found out otherwise. At this time (this was maybe half a year ago), I was having romantic daydreams about females. I thought it was normal, after all, I went to an all-girls school, wasn’t it normal? They got more frequent and frequent, until I was almost thinking up movies about me and this other girl I know.
It’s off topic, but she’s gorgeous. She has long blonde hair, and the prettiest blue eyes, she’s tall and gorgeous, and I’m a bland and short elf with anger issues, and she’s out of my league, and probably never even noticed me, and I just don’t know why I like her so much.
I never considered the fact that I might like girls, I’d been raised to be horrified towards this, that it was a sin and that homosexuals would burn in hell (no offence intended, that was how I was raised). I’d never really held any opinion on it, although I couldn’t tell my mum that. So I just had to go along with it.
Then, when all my friends wore dresses and things, I didn’t. I just thought I was a tomboyish girl. When mum made me wear dresses, I felt out-of-place, and just wrong, in a way. Also, I got really weird and riled when people pressed on abut my femininity, and I just felt weird, like I was having an out of body experience. And the further it went on, the more the feeling built up, so that everywhere I just felt so weird, I really don’t know. I don’t know what it is. It was only when I started to go on the internet more, I found out more about transgenders, and I wondered if I could be one? I don’t know. I don’t feel right as a girl. I.. don’t know. It’s probably different from others, but this is how I feel it.
I used to be a devout Christian too, I had the bible shoved down my throat. Out of fear, I submit, and did all that. But I feel as if… I don’t really believe in this stuff any more..? I think I’ve converted to an atheist, I don’t know… Is there a god? I feel so silly questioning so much. I think.
And on top of this, I have a crippling social anxiety. I can’t order anything over a counter without crying, I just can’t speak to others. I’m so scared, it’s been half a year since I changed to my new school, I can’t even sit in the cafeteria. I don’t like to eat (not a condition, just not in the mood) I don’t know what to do. I have no friends (I’m not exaggerating. I still can’t talk to strangers).
When I talked to my friend (from my old school, I grew up with her as a baby) about it (my gender identity, my possible crush, my questioning religion, my friendlessness, my anxiety, etc.), she flipped. I haven’t talked to her in 13 days. I think she’s homophobic, but my mum does influence her’s a lot, so maybe that had something to do with it. I’m really alone, so I came looking for somewhere to spill this out. Even if no one reads this, at least I have it out?
I’m not in direct harm of suicide, I’m just… really confused? I don’t know what to do, I am so confused. I want to talk to someone, I’m really confused, as my username suggests.
It seems all really wrong, and I don’t think I’m right. I’m probably just being silly.