When I was younger, in the grades of 2 to 4, crazy used to mean funny, or silly. As I’ve grown older, I’m still labeled as the crazy one. But it has a whole other meaning now. Being called crazy really sucks. I can’t get away from it, it doesn’t matter how hard I try to.
I’m not crazy. I’m a girl who has a mental illness. Sure, sometimes, I ask myself if I really am crazy. But I know I’m not. There is nothing wrong with me, besides the depression, self hate and anxiety. I am a human like everyone else, yet I find that I am being brought down everyday for being different from everyone else.
I feel deeply. That’s my problem. I feel so deep that little things can hurt me, and I can’t help it that I am so sensitive. It’s a negative as much as it is a positive. I’m able to care a lot deeper about things, is the way I look at it. I’m able to sit back and think about things for hours on end. It gets annoying, but I deal with it. I live with it, and I don’t have a choice. There is a reason I’ve been holding on for so long, I just need to remember that sometimes.
I’ve been labeled as crazy since grade 7, when people really started to take notice of my self harm. I went ballistic, and I broke down screaming and crying in my classroom. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I hate being called crazy.
I am not crazy. I am a normal person living with a disease. I am a person who feels deeply.
I try to tell myself this all the time. I try to tell myself that my mental illness is not me, but I cant shake it off. It’s a part of me now. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t sad now, and that’s how I know that I’ll never be able to live without taking meds. My illness is me.
I’ve seen a lot of posts on SP about how your mental illness isn’t you. But it is. All these things going on in my mind are because of me. It is me. I can control it, but most times, I can’t. I try to take the high road, but sometimes, I have to take the path below the river for a while.
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it is all in my head.
I am not crazy. I am sick.