This is really hard for me to write, I’ve never spoken of this experience ever since it happened. When I was a little girl, around 5 years of age, something traumatizing happened to me. And it really messed me up. I’m the only girl in my family. I have 2 older brothers and my mother kept trying for a girl, then I came.
My mon was absolutely not ready to raise kids, so I don’t know why she had any of us. She herself didn’t really have a mom growing up, but she had so many years to learn she was never a good mother back then. Anyways, my mom always took us to my grandfathers house as a “day care” kind of thing. I know my dad was working, he’s such a hard worker. But I never knew if my mom was working too or if she was cheating on my dad again, and just left us at my grandfather’s house so she wouldn’t have to deal with us.
My grandfather would always let my brothers go play outside but he never let me. He would actually encourage them to go play outside while he kept me in his house. I remember the day that he first made his move on me. He asked me if I named my vaginal area, and then he started to molest me at first. I was only 5 years old. Only 5. I didn’t know what was going on.
So every time I went to his house, he slowly started to advance towards me while my brothers would play outside. I remember this experience through flashes so I can’t remember was exactly happened.
But…
he raped me numerous times every time I came to his house. He wouldn’t feed me, he wouldnt let me have anything to drink until I’d let him rape me.
I’m not how long this went on for but I remember one day I avoided him and I asked for cereal as dinner, because my brothers were eating cereal. And they were like 4 feet away from us and I said
“Can I have cereal too?”
He said
“No you didn’t let me play with you.”
And I didn’t eat that night until my parents picked me up. I remember telling my mom that he was “playing with my private part” and she said “what do you mean play with your private?” And I shrugged and said “he’s just been playing with my private”
I don’t know what happened after I told her but I remember him committing suicide, probably because he didn’t want to go to jail.
What I don’t understand is why? Why would he do that to me? What did I do to deserve that? HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY! He knew it was wrong, he knew the consequences, but he did it anyway. How can he be so care less? How could he rape his grandchild? AT AGE FUCKEN 5!!!
To this day, my mom doesn’t know that I know I was raped, she thinks I forgot, but I didn’t. She keeps asking what I remember from grandpa’s house when the topic of it came up. And I would lie and say I don’t remember. She’d say “good, pray to God that you don’t remember”
every time she would say that I was stupid enough to pray. But nothing happened, I still remember. I was still raped. If God was real, he would prevent this stuff fron happening if he “loved his children’ so much. But he didn’t. And it happened. So why should I pray to God? Why should I thank him? Why should I worship him? The only thing he’s done is watch me get raped. That’s what he’s done.
But if there is a Hell.
I hope that my rapist is burning.
9 comments
MentallyWeak, I am so sorry you had to go through something like that. I loved someone who went through something similar when she was young as well. But when it happened to her, she was a little older then you. And it was her dad. In the end, she couldn’t keep away her past, and she killed herself. I couldn’t keep away her past either, so it was partly my fault.
Anyways, as you said, these are the kinds of things which make me certain there is no god, and praying is just a waste of time.
I’m sorry something like this happened to you, I really am, and I’m sorry no one was there to help you when you needed it. If I had known you irl and you had told me, I would have been there to protect you.
Forget God, he’s a loser. You’ve lived through one of the hardest things anyone can live through. That itself proves your strength. Don’t let everyday troubles touch you. I think you can become your own god.
Thanks, it’s nice to know that someone reads my stories, but I don’t really write for people to read, just to see if I’d feel better about it and I don’t quite know yet.
Honestly I feel that my rapist wanted to leave his mark in the world. And I’m his mark. I feel do disgusted and ashamed. I feel like I want to blame my mom. If she were to grow up and act like a mom instead of whoring around, that wouldn’t have happened. But this world proves to me every time that I should always expect the worst
I’ll apologize in advance if any of my following thought come off as abrasive or uncaring. I’m going to approach this from an outside objective observer.
First, let my say – I’m sorry for your experience … second – it was NOT your fault so please don’t blame yourself (although it doesn’t sound like you are.
I know this may be hard to hear, but it least your mom did not dismiss your accusation as so many parents/family member do when a child makes them. For all her shortcomings it sounds like she took them seriously the first time she was made aware and acted in a manner which would cause your grandpa to feel such guilt and shame that he suicided. That’s more than can be said for many of the stories I’ve seen here where the perpetrator is never confronted much less, pays any penalty. I know that isn’t saying much – but it’s better than nothing.
Praying to god is pointless – as you found out, he’s not listening and didn’t lift a single omnipotent finger to protect you … there reason is because he was never there – there simply is no god to hear prayer or to protect the innocent. The downside here is that since there is no god, and by extension, no heaven, there is neither a hell for your grandfather to burn in. We cannot “know” for certain these gods and places do not exist but there is no evidence to suggest they do … the fact that the world/reality works like one would expect (no prayers answered, innocent people tormented, maimed, raped, killed etc) if there were no gods is evidence enough to suggest there are none to be found. There simple is no justice after death so we must make justice in our reality.
Let me address your direct questions:
What I don’t understand is why? Why would he do that to me?
Because he was sick and twisted and had n self control nor any bond over family – no paternal instinct … if her was your mother’s dad then I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened to her as well and she would be somewhat complicit knowing he HAD. But the short and direct answer is because he could and had opportunity and no moral compass – he was a sick man and the world is better off without him
What did I do to deserve that?
Absolutely nothing – you did NOT “deserve” this in any way shape or form
HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY!
Yes he did
He knew it was wrong, he knew the consequences, but he did it anyway. How can he be so care less? How could he rape his grandchild?
Because he just did not care … and he probably thought he’d never get caught
I realize these are probably not satisfying answers – but they are reality. But you need not let this define you. You sound strong even if you don’t feel like you are, do your best to let it remain in the past – don’t keep dragging it forward with you into the future
sorrow dawg
Thank you, I’ve had a better understanding with my mom. I know that one day I will have to talk to her about it but I don’t know how I would bring it up or when the right time would be. You’ve definitely helped me realize reality
Quite frankly, there is no “right” time to talk about it … nor is there any “good” way to open the topic for discussion … it will be painful for both of you. You having to relive aspects of the violation and for her, having to face the very real fact that she failed to protect you and put you in harm’s way – that guilt must be unimaginable.
That said, it may be best to maybe schedule and “appointment” to were you both sit down in a relaxed atmosphere the coffee/tea and doughnuts/cookies or some comfort food. Create some ground rules – no blaming, no accusing – nothing that will get you arguing at each other instead of working through your emotions/feelings of the betrayal and violation of the TRUE bad guy – the perpetrator – this is the person who should be the target of ire/anger.
No let my qualify my suggestion – I am NOT a therapist, or mental health professional or counselor of any kind – just an old guy who loves dogs and wouldn’t mind an exit from this mortal coil. So I’m just offering some laymen’s suggestions.
I’m glad you realize reality – part of which, the harm has been done and the danger is past … each day forward holds your choice to view through the lens of the past ugliness or the lens of new unspoiled possibilities – you are always free to look at the world as new … and not as the ugly of your past experience.
Best wishes and safe travels
geezer dawg
it’s really brave of you to open up, especially about something that terrible. And i know you’ve been burdened about it, but as hard as it sounds, try to slowly move on. I’m not telling you to completely forget it, as it sounds impossible.
About your grandfather, i don’t know what’s wrong with him, but i’m sure he’s out of his mind. And try to stop searching for reason why he did that, the more you think about it, the more burdensome it will be to you.
I agree with Dawg, it sounds like your mom took your problem seriously which caused your grandfather to feel that guilty he took his own life. Perhaps, your mother was and is aware what’s happened to you, but she doesn’t want you to be burdened by it. That’s why she doesn’t talk about it, and tell you to keep praying to God to forget it. Also, you should try to be honest with your mom, saying you don’t remember doesn’t give your mom a clue about how you are feeling.
Praying to God doesn’t mean he’s going to grant your wishes in a second, it takes time. It can be soon an later, we never know. But one thing for sure, he never leaves you and always has a better plan for you. Don’t give up yet.
I know it’s been really tough on you, but i believe you can move on and live your life again. As much as i hate to say it, past is in the past, and the future is something you can determine by your actions now. You have my support and best of luck:)xx
You didn’t do anything to deserve that, NO ONE deserves that.
You are a very strong girl, and growing to live a good life is the best thing you can do.
Good luck 🙂
you are not the only one,me too.. though not raped,but molested for a long time in very bad way.. he is a family member.. and do you know the worst part ? I have to see him in family gatherings.. I have to face him.. nobody knows what he did to me.. yes, I want to suicide but not because of that pervert.. he is nothing to me.. don’t you be angry whenever you think about your grandpa? you can kill yourself.. you have full rights.. but not for this.. these things happens.. you can’t kill yourself for this.. and are you disappointed because God didn’t save you? do you know what’s is going on in the world !!!!! millions of people are homeless, there are children who didn’t have food.. is your God saving them .. ?? I think he is too busy in his heaven to care about what’s going on here.. so forget, just forget about God.. nd follow DARWIN.. fight.. fight for yourself.. I am also fighting.. everyday I fight my wish to kill me.. fight baby.. there is nothing but your life.. live it.. enjoy it.. and don’t try to forget anything.. it isn’t forgettable.. the hard you try , you will hurt yourself more and more, it’s lyk a trap.. don’t ask why it happened to me.. life will give you challenges, you have to win those situations.. I don’t want to inspire you or something like that.. just I have gone through the same situation.. that’s why I can’t help myself but commented.. it’s my first post here.. and I don’t know English well,so may be there is lots of mistake.. sorry for that.. bye..
I don’t even know what to say.
First, I am teary eyed because of what I read.
Like you were saying, God watched you get raped.
If I was one of those people, I would say, “God works in mysterious ways.”
But nooooo, he did the same to all the shootings, planned bombings, etc. Stand back and watched like he doesn’t exist.
I never met my moms father because she was raped by him every time he got a chance to. He never got caught. He died peacefully at a nursing home of old age.