Hi everyone,
I’m new to this site and just found it after searching for some ideas for suicide methods online. Interesting that this site does not allow that but my search brought me to a post that talked about some interesting ideas.
Anyway, I don’t know where to start. I’m in my mid 30’s and have been suicidal since I was about 15, depressed all my life. It certainly makes life pretty fucking meaningless when everything you experience feels negative and full of suffering. I don’t know why I am like this and I thought it would stop when I was done with my teen years but like adult acne, it followed me into my later years.
I tried to commit suicide when I was 18 by ODing on a mega bottle of tylenol but I ended up chickening out and calling poison control myself, basically only succeeded in being hospitalized and committed to a psych ward and then all my family knew about it and I just had to deal with the shame and further realization that no one actually cared about me, just their own social reputation.
Since then I have been suicidal much of the time but even more depressing is now I know I probably won’t go through with it so I feel like even more of a failure and like I have nothing, not even an escape route.
I hate myself and lately I have been feeling like I don’t even like anybody else in my life. My main reason, aside from being afraid, for not going through with that first attempt, was not wanting to hurt my loved ones. So now that I feel less caring about them, maybe all I need is to work on the fear.
I don’t know what else to say but maybe it is good that I joined this group. It can be comforting to think seriously of suicide and be able to talk about it. Most people in the regular world just can’t hear that, it is overwhelming for my husband. He mostly tries to ignore it when I am depressed and I understand because it has been over 9 years of having to deal with my lack of motivation, fatigue and neediness when I am depressed. I hate it and I hope I don’t have to be a burden to him anymore.
Thanks for reading and I hope I can be of help to you as I know you will be to me.
3 comments
I found this website the same way you did a few years ago. I’m glad you chose to make an account. Hopefully this site helps you in ways others cannot. I wish you all the best. You are not weak. You are not a failure. You’re strong and brilliant for realizing that ending your life is not a solution for your problem. Yes you still feel like it is, but you know it won’t do anything but hurt all the people that care about you. You can overcome this. Don’t let depression win.
Hi Lime17. Thank you for your thoughts. I guess I go back and forth about it all the time, which uses a lot of energy! It is nice to have the unconditional support that I see on here amongst members. However, lately I haven’t cared much if depression wins.. either way I am losing. I just hope I can find another way, a third way to a new way of feeling. Maybe all this time there has been a hidden door I haven’t been able to see because I have only seen two choice to stay or to go. What I need is to change! But I just don’t know how. Thanks again
Hi! I’m very new to this site and this is my first comment so I hope say all of this right. I know exactly how you are feeling. I still have very bad days where I cant do anything and I just need someone else to help to do simple things, but on those bad days I make a list of every good thing in my life. Even if you can’t think of very much there still has to be a handful of things. Just keep reading that list and adding more and more and I hope it will make the really bad days easier.
Good luck with everything!