Underwhelmed

I’m not suicidal, but I don’t want to live. If something naturally happened to end my life I would be relieved. I feel like my entire life has been one disappointment after the other. I feel like people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t look after them. I feel like my parents shouldn’t have had me, it was irresponsible. I feel like as a general rule, people are selfish, and through that I have been abused and irreparably damaged. I used to be so excited about things and life and was such a happy kid, but I’ve been through too much now. There is millions of people starving and dying, but what’s more important is a fancy car. And am I supposed to pretend there isn’t billions of animals being tortured and murdered each day, for human enjoyment? Is this how you stay sane, pretending it isn’t happening? But it is. I’m a realist and as excited I was for this world at the beginning, now I am just severely underwhelmed. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist.