so I kind of ruined my family a bit and I can’t seem to stop… I don’t want to hurt anyone but I told my mom that I wanted her to apologize sincerely for not being there to support me whenever I went through disciplinary trouble, and that I can’t move on until she does. Long story. Anyway, since the incident happened yesterday it feels like time doesn’t exist. There’s no future, barely any past, but everything is the present. I cut myself 20 times yesterday and I’ve been steadily taking painkillers since 3. I don’t even take pills. I don’t think I’m going to end […]
Tag:
exist
I exist in a cycle of my being. I fly. I fall. I crawl. I bleed. And I have decided that for me to break the cycle, I must go. Where the cycle can’t exist anymore.
My mind is eating me. Sadness, anger, envy, loneliness, hate, self-loath, jealousy, shyness, sense of failure and other shitty feelings packed in one mind. I fcking hate times like this when I get depressed for no particular reason. I can’t seem to know the reason why but fck this. I try to do things to keep myself from being like this but even playing video games-the one thing that never fails to keep my mind straight- is failing. Had been feeling like this for I dunno maybe a month or two but back then it was just mild. Right now, I really think my mind […]
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career […]
I’ve always thought that there were two kinds of death–the simple physical death and the more difficult conceptual death.
Physical death is just that–your heart stops and your bodies functions cease completely, we all know what this is. It seems to me that physical death is typically the beginning of conceptual death and this is because the deceased person is no longer able to act as an agent that affects the physical world. The only reason that we’re ever able to become conceptual beings is because of the ways in which the world responds to us. The more we interact with it, the more it interacts with us […]
Does love really exist? I’ve wondered this many times. When I’ve dated guys and felt nice around them. When I’m with my grandma. When I think of dad. But then this feeling of emptiness comes along, and i hated it. Is that what love’s supposed to be? Emptiness? Why? Does mom feel like that when she thinks of me -if she ever does-? I hope not. I want her to only see the small good things I’ve done. they’re not so many but they’re something. Right? giving up my freedom wasn’t nothing, Right? God! If I had a dying wish it would be to hear […]
So, in a previous post (“My secret love”), I told you about a chap I’ve met online. Perhaps I’m being a bit too weird when I say I think we were put in each other’s path for a reason?
Maybe he needed to meet someone older who had more life experience and therefore more patience, understanding and compassion. Maybe I needed to meet someone younger to prove that I was still ‘fanciable’ and wasn’t dead below the waist (if you get my meaning!)
I don’t know, it’s just odd. He was on this particular website already at the time I joined. He contacted me because he […]
“I think that man was half-right. He is better off out of the game – but the game may not be better off without him. A man should not exist for himself alone. Life made an investment in him, and that investment was not paid off.”
-Piers Anthony, On a Pale Horse
Broken and empty. Only a book of memories and no life prospects. Fake smiles and a fake laugh that doesn’t even fool the deaf or blind. Through the motions of grainy and redundant. Isolation fills my heart and my life is unkind. I cease to exist not to take my own light. If depression sets in it is an option, I might.
More bad things happened today, things I’d rather not talk about. But now the only thing I have to live for is my little sister, and as much as I do love her, I just don’t want to exist anymore. So I have come up with a plan, a checklist of what I need to do in my last few hours, whenever I decide when those hours are. I’ll probably do it in the summer, so that I can save up for a bag of charcoal. The first thing I’m gonna do is write my note. I don’t need to explain anything in it, my […]
Stumbled upon this site and I’m wondering if others feel they are looking for something that doesn’t exist. Compulsive shopper thinking I will find something that will make a difference in my life. Really don’t know how long I’ve been doing this and curious if this is common. Thanks
I am currently sitting around, midnight close, waiting for…
Well what?
I have nothing more to do but lie here reading other people’s life stories.
But lying down next to loneliness makes me write this message.
I don’t know what will come out of the following post, but I’m merely letting my fingers wander on the keyboard, awaiting whatever question is suddenly formed.
Perhaps this is a start:
How many of you felt depressed as a teenager (as I am one myself), and the situation never has changed, up to this date?
That you’re still constantly burdened with the same unending sadness from years ago, that still haunts you?
That you have yet […]
everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]
I tried to kill myself last Tuesday. I don’t remember anything except waking up in the hospital. This was my third attempt. How do I keep surviving? I pray so much that my prayers are me actually begging God to help me. Still no answers. Am I here to be punished? People speak of a hell after we die. Does it really exist or is this really hell and there is nothing after this. I want to believe so bad there is something good after this hell i’m in on this earth.
I was feeling hopeless and then I looked up at the sky and saw the stars. Billions of stars and the vastness of the Universe all the way to the biginning and for a moment all my problems seemed insignificant.
Creation is an amazing thing, i dont believe in God, which makes this even more amazing. For us to exist, infinite amont of puzzle pieces over billions of years had to fit perfectly together. I wish i could live in a time when humans, as a species, had to fight for survival. Those were the simple days. Without insects we wouldnt exist, without preditors we […]
I tried to sleep. But I couldn’t.
My thoughts are continuously racing in my mind. I can’t even sleep properly. I was extremely sad even in my sleep, even in my dreams.
So I wake up. And a thought came in my mind and I decided to share it. It was peaceful.
I know I can’t stop my suffering. I know this. I know there is no cure for me. But this is true that nothing is everlasting. Nothing.
Millions years ago dinasouras were here and now there are not. Billion years ago even earth wasn’t exist.
So here is the thing I want to tell you. I don’t know when, […]
I made this video so people could understand a little bit about what I’ve been through. I’m in a position where I’m asking complete strangers for help. Literally no one gives a fuck. I’m about to lose everything. Everything I’ve done on my own at least. Nothing ever works out. So I’m about to get kicked out of school and I asked for the funding I need on go fund me. So far I’m the only one who’s donated which is sad right? And I get it, but between the video and the go fund me page can anyone piece together how fucking desperate I […]
I just watched a Let’s Play of Nevermind and it was interesting. It’s a game that uses biofeedback and the developer(s) want to expand it so it can help people with stress and anxiety-related illness. The game got me thinking about “perfect worlds” but I know there is no such thing as a “perfect world.”Instead, I want to pose a different question to everyone… What is your definition of an imperfect, perfect utopia? My utopia is one where mental illness and disease didn’t exist. Granted people will die in it but it won’t be by one’s own hands or by a fatal disease… It would […]
Shit I should have stayed at work if I’d have had any idea this would be a night of screaming and hollering about Lady Gaga and other anorexic girls and “how good” it looks when you can see every bone in their skeletal bodies! It’s like I truly don’t exist and I’d be my fucking paycheck I’ll be spending my birthday alone because he’s probably getting girls left and right now.
Shit, I’m getting to the point I wish I hadn’t ever met him. It’d be so much easier to go on thinking that Jamie (from Twiztid) was the hottest guy on earth. Shit, he’s famous […]
This is a little rant, and a bit of a description of how i imagine my mind to be. Sorry if it makes no sense, but it brings me some odd little comfort to see these thoughts exist somewhere outside my own head.
The world drifts by, just outside of my grasp. The soft floating bubbles of nothingness and confusion occlude my vision. I float in the dense waters of death, guided by the far away light of hope and life. Yet as I reach for it and feel it’s warmth, I shrink within myself. Withdraw in fear and uncertainty. Feel the cold tendrils of death tighten […]
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