Cannot eat, knotted stomach, then I gorge tasteless food because hungry, and throw up.
Sleep for 2.5 hours, and wake bolt-upright in panic, and three tracks of racing thoughts mean cannot sleep again until so tired I nod-off sitting up. Wake up exhausted.
Cannot exhaust mind and body like used to, since broke leg nearly three years ago. Don’t walk comfortably anymore.
Cannot go swimming because hate the look of self.
Not enough energy to exercise because cannot eat.
Round and around it goes.
Escaping the cycle, getting off the merry-go-round, a favorite choice for thoughts. Seeking peace and quiet, that cannot find anymore in this life.
3 comments
I’ve never taken anything to help me sleep but I’m going to ask my therapist. The last two weeks have been awful.
Will you share with us, how you get on?
How do I get on? Very zombie like lately. Every day is like driving down a very bumpy road in a car with bad shocks.
In a way I’m blessed in that my life is extraordinarily simple. I spend half my time hanging with my GF who has a good job, a nice place, and a crapton of patience. The other half is spent taking care of my 85 year old dad, who is being painfully crippled by aggressive rheumatoid arthritis, and my 75 year old stepmom, who has early onset Alzheimer’s.
Dad can hardly cook anymore so I do alot of kitchen work for him. Dad refuses to allow anything simple to be cooked in his kitchen so dinner is a pretty complex undertaking. It’s like he’s the conductor and I’m the entire orchestra. But every meal is a delightful symphony and I’m getting mad cooking skills.
Then I go back over to my GF’s place and cook for her, too. This is an act of self preservation because she could burn water.
We go to bed and I sleep for an hour. Wake up thinking about my dwindling savings, Dad’s health, what I want to say in my suicide notes. Around 4 am I fall asleep sitting on the couch. 530 I wake up and drink coffee so thick you can cut it with a knife.
Yes I tried cutting out the coffee. Didn’t help.
I thought before I killed myself I’d have some nice days of serenity. Apparently not.