Finished my will. It was really easy. I actually feel ok. Have a few letters to write, and a long train ride to the city to procure some things. Then to leave a clean house, check into a cheap motel, watch some family guy maybe, and write something time delay text messages. I’m actually so relieved. The nightmare is almost over. Thanx SP. People in this situation need a judgment free zone like this. Such a simple thing. Makes such a big difference.
9 comments
Hiii notsure!
I was reading your old posts to try to understand whats wrong.. if im not wrong..
First of all , you are not old to start a new family not at all lol
Second maybe i can relate to you, i know whats to fail, and to push way THAT person, i know, i know how it hurts, how we dont see tomorrow, how we die inside.
Theres nothing much that i can do for you or even myself, but ive learned something, we can only fix thing if we still in here living you know.
If you want we can have a good chat 🙂
All good mate.
Its really ok. Im at peace with it. Im 35. Maybe I could start a new family. But I wont. If I have one redeeming quality it’s loyalty. My family is not something I would replace. For me, life has been as good as its going to get. Because I know that I am going to end my life, I don’t have to worry about the pain now. Call it going out on a high note. I had a family I love. Good for me. Now I can go.
Im not saying you dont. I know that feeling and im younger than you. I see every1 else getting new partners all time and sh1t, its hard for me to see the things like that i know. I know whats loosing half of us, i know its hard to hope that they can come back or that we can be fixed i know. But i dont know maybe but only maybe theres something else out there for us, im not trying to stop you, because it’s your choice and i respect that, im just saying that maybe theres something else, we never know the future, and this is not bullshit, like the pain we feel, its very real.
Maybe we can just fight lilte bit.
Hope.
Hi notsureifreadytogo,
Thank you for sharing what you are going through so openly. I read all your posts and the one thing that struck me is that you don’t really want to die. It’s only that the pain currently is stronger than your willpower to hold on, and you haven’t been able to figure out a way on your own to get out.
I’ve been struck with a health problem 2.5 years ago when life was going relatively well and been in unbearable pain 24 hours a day ever since. Went to many doctors, tried many ways, even went to Peru and stayed in the jungle with Shaman healers hoping they might help. None of them was able to figure it out or cure it. I don’t have much willpower in me left, but I know if I can hold on for long enough and keep on trying a miracle can come about.
From your writings, I can see that you had an issue with your family that hurt you alot. I understand that you made your family the center of your life, and thus had nothing else to hold on to when they left. Very understandable. Think of this. Throughout the millions of years people have been on earth, many people have lost their families, definitely at least millions, if not hundred millions. Some of these people took it lightly. Some of them collapsed. Some went through worse then you, and me, and persevered and survived. Some were lucky and received outside help that lifted them out, some figured things out on their own and survived.
The key in your situation might be getting an outside perspective and some help. Someone else might see what you are not seeing, and help show you a way out. From my brief intro to you, I can see that , a way to move on, maybe a new path in life, can help you in coping with and putting the pain to the past instead of keeping it front and center. A new direction, moving towards that , one step at a time. I know you might have tried some things before and not see that it is possible for you to get out, but you are not the person who knows things better then anyone in the world are you? Not saying this to judge you, just to make you notice that there might be other ways.
I have my ideas and tools I learnt about, for how to get out of depression and suicidal thoughts. (done it previously before this health problem occured) I don’t know if they would also be helpful for you , but I’d be happy to chat and offer you my perspective if you want.
You are 35. I am 31. I’m much less experienced than you in terms of family issues, but I had my own share of problems in life. What is common about us is that we are not at half the age of death from natural causes. That’s why we should give it another try, no matter how dire the situation is.(Believe me, I want to scream from pain as I’m writing this)
I hope you find peace if you decide to go through with your plan. Though I confess that I hope you decide to give life a last chance. Best wishes.
You’re all very kind. The concern from strangers is touching. Of course, as kind people you dont want anyone to die. I get that. I dont want any of you to die. But I assure you, this is for the best. I have a very comfortable, certain method, and a comfortable day planned for myself. The truth is, im not a nice guy. I am an abuser. A wife beater. 99% of the time, I am just like anyone else. But when my blood boils I change. My wife was stuck in a visitation order with her ex’s parents (he’s absent), that tied her down at our address, and gave up custody of our (her) son to escape me. See what I’ve done? Irreversible damage. Lost my wife. My son. My family. And I’m supposed to go and have an ok life? Move on and start a new family to ruin more lives? There is justice and relief at play here. I will leave her everything, along with a full confession of my wrongdoings in the hopes that it helps her get him back. Mail all the titles, deeds, keys, confession and my will to her lawyer. It must be done.
Hi again,
Look, I’m not going to be arrogant and try to change your mind. We are both adults in the end. But I kindly invite you to take a quick peak at what I see.
First of all, I get it. You had done some wrong things in the past. And your actions are coming back to haunt you and cause you pain. I’m a firm firm believer in karma myself. In fact, I am %100 sure I’m going through my mysterious health problem because of how I acted in the past, and because I hurt someone. I can tell you about what I mean one day. But there are 2 things not to forget. First, there are people who had done much much worse things then beating their wives, that are still alive. One example from my side of the world: In Syria, in the refugee crisis , already 380.000 people died. Mostly because of one guys hunger for power. The guy is still alive. Sure, most probably he will end up like Libya’s leader or Saddam. But these people had done a much more serious thing then beating someone. I’m not saying beating someone is right. And it is appropriate to feel a certain amount of shame about it, and you are also going through what you are going through because of your actions, which is the law, but the key is that you have actually realized that it was wrong. That is a major step. You have seen the power of your actions. And one of the great things about life is that we can make an effort to change, and actually change the results we get. As long as you vow not to repeat your mistake, and make it a priority to not hurt anyone in the future no matter what happens, you will start gaining the safety that comes from not harming others.
Here is what I see. It hurts and is painful because you are left by your family and your actions played a part in things panning out the way they did. You also don’t think you can change, so you think even if you do in fact get together with someone new, things would turn out the same. I answered the first part above and in my previous comment. There are much worse actions taken and being taken by people everyday. I definitely don’t underestimate what you are going through and how unbearable it is, but ending your life might be too harsh a punishment for what you had done. It might be a good idea to realize that and start focusing on putting whatever happened to the past. As for the second part, it is possible to change, if you know how. There are tools out there. Some of them really effective in changing knee jerk reactions as well. But lets talk about them in the future.
As for getting together with someone new and starting a new family. It’s ok, don’t try starting a family right away. First work on changing yourself. Fix your issues, aim to become a better man. (of key importance is moving towards making a vow and committing to never harming other beings. Both for others sake, and your own sake because bad actions come back to haunt a person. Actions are real)
So I hope you can at least read my post in its entirety. And I sincerely wish you get a glimpse of hope from this and start for looking ways to move past whatever happened. I’m here if you decide to.
So I gave this some thought and here are some of my thoughts on why your anger reaches a point where you can’t stop yourself from attacking the other party. (It happened several times to me in the past as well so I understand.)
You might be easily getting angry because you are unhappy with the rest of your life.
You might be feeling a certain way when you are criticized/attacked, that results in you retaliating.
You might be loving the other party too much and invested in them too much, so that your intense love turns to intense anger when this person misbehaves or does not behave the way you want them to.
You might be having a hard time telling the other person things you don’t like about them at an early time and feel that it would turn into a fight if you were to mention it to them. Then it builds and builds in you, until finally you explode with anger.
All of these have different solutions. Based on what it is, the right type of solution must be applied.
On top of that, when another person attacks you (or even cuts you in traffic) , for 99% of the people, anger and ill-will is sparked. Strategies such as breathing through the anger ( I do this successfully) , or a meditation called goodwill meditation, or training yourself to look for the good things in others no matter how unreasonable it looks like when you are angry are all good ways to stop your anger from becoming uncontrollable.
After commenting on your post I listened again a talk I listened to a while back on anger.
It really is one of the best talks I’ve heard on diffusing anger in many situations. Whatever your decision, just to see what might be possible in terms of diffusing anger, have a listen.
If you search “thanissaro bhikkhu dharma seed anger” on google the first link is to that talk. There might be some minor technical terms in the talk that you might not get but it would not get in the way of you understanding it.
I apologize if you don’t like me commenting,and I won’t again unless you comment to me, but I’ve read in a previous post that you don’t want to die and I really think these things might help.