i am, by all accounts, a survivor, an old school member of this place, and it gets better it gets so much better that i drink, just co i can fall asleep, that my writing talent, the book im going to write, is used up here and on members via email. my way out is a book i can never write, but hay, it gets better,it always gets better…
I had to write an essay for one of my teachers and I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote about my suicide thoughts and my scars. And so now my whole family knows and they are giving me all of the attention, and now I have to go to a therapist. I hate all of the attention, and I hate that now I have a therapist. I hate talking about how I’m feeling to someone face to face. That’s why I talk here, I can talk to all of you and you won’t know who I am what I look like, and that we might never actually meet for you to help me. But when I have a therapist it’s exactly what I don’t like. I would think of suicide almost 4-5 times a week, but now that I have a therapist I think about it even more. This website has helped me more than my therapist. I have made a lot of progress with this website to write. I used to cut my wrist 3 times a week, now I cut myself once every two or three weeks. Now I feel like when I cutting myself all over again. But I can’t because my family knows. They are crying for me, they are watching everything I do now, I’m not allowed to be in a room alone only my bedroom and the bathroom. It’s so unfair, I thought that saying what’s on my mind would make things better, but the only thing I did was make myself more suicidal. I should have just kept my mouth shut. (By the way the essay that I wrote is on here and it’s called Suicidal Stories #1)
Next new piece, which is outside my comfort zone for a few reasons:
1. I’m not comfortable writing for guitar, so I tend to avoid it. But here it is.
2. Lately I’ve tended to avoid wide-open pieces with simple instrumentation. But this has just three instruments: Acoustic guitar, Electric bass, and Piano.
3. It has almost a country/western feel, which is definitely NOT my favorite genre.
4. It’s peaceful and calm, which is an odd thing for me to write these days. Lately I’d gravitated more toward things which reflected angst and panic.
It’s called “Singularity”.
I was inspired to write a piano solo that captured a manic upswing filled with barely-containable energy.
I picture eyeballs darting everywhere, hardly able to focus for more than a few seconds at a time… and yet still trying.
I’m dedicating this one to Hazy.
I call it “Hyper Haze”.
Writing music helps me deal with depression.
Saturday night I got a music composition challenge from darkwillow, which you can read HERE.
I had to write something which included all 12 tones of the chromatic scale. Grace notes didn’t count. It couldn’t be more than three minutes long.
Because of the 12 notes, I called it “Unsettling Dozen”.
2 Trumpet, 1 French Horn, 1 Trombone, 1 Tuba, Piano
Here is the file, and below are some screencaps of some pieces of the score.
One has color coding so you can see that all 12 notes have been represented.
Thank you darkwillow for the challenge.
I had a lot of fun doing this.
I’m not sure I will be posting as often now, for various reasons which came to my attention today.
Thank you all for listening to me, thank you to everyone who has commented, and thank you for hearing the music.
You did the 1 hour challenge…
Can i ask you to write a song, that includes all 12 notes?? 😀 There’s a 24 hour time limit on this one..
-Grace notes don’t count as using a tone.
-Must be no longer than 3 minutes long.
-some kind of visual? Even if its exported as a midi and played in synthesia? It would be really nice, to see what you’re playing.
Hope you accept 🙂
Hey you, you know who you are.
I just wanted to write you a little something personal. And no, I am not blaming others entirely for my short comings like you think I do. And I know you say “you don’t have to be like your siblings” but I know that’s just kind of pretend.
Because I know you have done the same shit with them. For some reason they worked out better then I did. But, you told me you’re disappointed in all of us for individual reasons anyway.
Oh and I am sorry for that your dream of becoming rich and beautiful has not worked out because you married the man you love.
But before I go into the negatives, I want to genuily thank you for keeping me in line with school. That I could get an education even though I frustrated you a lot. For that, thank you.
That’s where it ends unfortunately.
Nothing ever was good enough for you. My grades weren’t up to par with my siblings who have been bringing you A’s and B’s in almost all of their classes. But it doesn’t stop there, nothing I ever do is up to your expectations. I stopped trying to get your approval, just wanted to get by with okay grades.
For all the times I needed you, you told me to get over it, ignore it or talk to my teachers. Especially when I first attempted suicide… yes the Events leading up to it were my fault… you said I should get out of the clinic as soon as possible to get back to my chemist school. And advised me not to tell my friends about it and being unnerved when I did. You said I shouldn’t take the medication because I am “fine”. You said I should hide the medication when People are over, and to never mention this to the rest of our Family. You repeated yourself when I went in the second time. You added I shouldn’t go to the psychologist afterward.
I know you weren’t happy when I bawled my eyes out because you interogated and “pushed me into a corner” by locking the door when I told you to leave because I was upset. And even unhappier, when I asked you to come with me to an appointment with our GP about being transgender.
You said you’d come along, because you love me.
Instead you barged in the door a few hours later and told me I should pack and go if I ever did anything. I would not be your child anymore. Seven years since that, can’t trust you ever since and you ask me why I don’t open up to you.
Everytime and I mean every single time I lost a Job, you blamed it on my Looks. I told you the reasons countless times, you never believe me. You tell me that my employers were lying and my coworkers were lying and it was either my hair, my look, my clothes anything other then cheap tacticts, econimical reasons or People coming back from maternal leave. “NO it is because you wore that girly shirt – Cut your hair”
And thank you for a recent compliment and told me “You’re too ugly to work in a pharmacy”
You say you mean well, and that your words have to be harsh because I won’t listen. “You know I am right, don’t be so stubborn”.
You forced me to cut my hair off… the hair that was always well kept, conditioned and combened. Always tied back where it wouldn’t interfere with work. It needed to go because you guilt tripped me into it. I needed a job and of course anything you deemed innapropiate… needed to go.
You keep telling me that my psychiatrist is a bad influence on me, because she is helping me Transition. “It saddens me whenever you go” and when I said it’s your Problem that you have a Problem with me being trans you yelled “Don’t you ever think of me?!” to which I replied that I can answer questions and assure you I am fine, whatever ruckus this causes inside you is your own to deal with. Then you said I am cold and uncaring.
Sometimes I wonder if you even realize that one of your children seriously endangered it’s life because of mental illness and emotional negligence. You don’t listen to me if things seem alright for you. Most important to you is that I have a Job and that I pay every month. Anything else seems unimportant. Unless, of course, I have fresh wounds on my arms. THEN you jump into action and ask if I am alright.
Even though I got you Information about tell-tale-signs about Depression you either choose to ignore it, or haven’t read them thouroughly.
I don’t blame you for all of my mental and social Problems. But I blame you for and empowering my fear of not finding a job as a transwoman, worthlessness and being an outcast/freak of society that will never amount to anything.
thanks for reading
Greetings and Salutations!
First order of business… Fuck me. I’m still walking in damn circles. Blah blah, whoa is me.
Next, I got a letter from the publishing company wanting a new original poem by May. All I been writing is dark material. Now I can’t write at all.
Derp Derpinson here.
And again, fuck me.
My mind is blank I want to write but can’t I’m physically here but mentally gone
think I really did die last year but my soul just not accepting to leave the body
Last week someone said I’m here for a reason what reason that what’s my purpose ?
I’m having a really good day.Today is my birthday and for the first time in forever, I feel a lot of love for myself. I’m not anxious today and I just feel content and pleased. But I was thinking about you guys here and I just wanted to let everyone know that I care about you guys and I love you guys. I write here when I’m the most sad, the most depressed, the most vulnerable. But I also want to write here when I’m happy. Thanks everyone for still being here – and for all the support here. <3
Hey first time posting up here, never had the gutts to make a page. But that all changed today during second block in school. Don’t really no what to write, I guess inspiration needs to strike
I dont even know what to write here, im so lonely, i dont know where home is. Im so embarrassed about how i get when im upset. Im weird and it feels like nobdoy could possibly love me. Its 4:43am and im always awake at this time, i dread the sun coming up so badly every morning. I sleep all day and that helps but at the same time i think it’s not doing me any good. I haven’t worked in like a year. I just dont feel alive, all i crave is to be held but girls dont even like me, im not ugly so it must be me.. roughly 2 years ago my long term girlfriend left me a week before my bestest friend hung himself. Is this how he felt? I think about dying sometimes, like every night, it scares me but sometimes i cant cope. I’ve moved from town to town since trying to find hope but i just dont.. im 24 in a couple months and im nothing, i used to be so different, i was kind of popular through high school but now nobody wants to know me. I feel like i could write forever, im too embarrassed to talk to people about it because i know they’re tired of hearing it, plus they dont really care anyway. I dont have family to talk to, they gave up on me years ago. I just feel broken and lost..
I heard this site was a perfect place for a person like me. A perfect place to write down thoughts, express feelings, as well as support others. I never thought my life would turn this direction, or if i would ever have to resort to a place like this. Its scary, thinking thoughts like this..Taking these steps.. Baby steps.. It seems like its the only solution.. To a permanent problem.. My future is damned.. I’m not sure what i want to do… I’m pretty sure i’ll be back tomorrow to post, this feels nice.. Sorry if this is a shitty post by the way, like i said i was just looking for a community that could be accepting, and a place to write thoughts and stuff down..
You guys keep posting neat music stuff you’ve done….
It’s made me want to compose something too.
I ordered some composition software for the laptop so I can write stuff during the days/nights when I’m stuck in bed and can hardly move. It will be good therapy for me, because it will remind me that even though my body is falling apart, my mind still (sort of) works.
I ordered the same software I’ve used previously for composing symphony stuff, but for some reason I’m in the mood to write a piano solo now.
Possibly piano plus cello.
(Ha! See what I did there? Music? Tuned?)
More bad things happened today, things I’d rather not talk about. But now the only thing I have to live for is my little sister, and as much as I do love her, I just don’t want to exist anymore. So I have come up with a plan, a checklist of what I need to do in my last few hours, whenever I decide when those hours are. I’ll probably do it in the summer, so that I can save up for a bag of charcoal. The first thing I’m gonna do is write my note. I don’t need to explain anything in it, my parents already know how I feel, I just don’t think they care, I’ll just write what I want done with my belongings (sold and put towards my sister’s and sister-like cousin’s future). After that I’m going to play a pacifist run of undertale, my favourite game and the only game to make me cry for over an hour just because it was over. After that I’m going to grab some things and go for a long walk into the forest. I’ll set up a tent, start a small fire in a bowl and read a book while I wait for the carbon monoxide to knock me out forever.
Had to write haikus for class, thought I’d share.
Plastered on your room’s ceiling
We camp out on your floor
Feasting on flesh and blood
Pink polka-dot scars
Bundles of firewood
Tucked under thieving arms
Warmth at dawn
Not sure what to write…..so I am just gonna write. No editing, no revisions.
Didn’t think it possible that it would hurt this bad.
I hung everything on the line, sacrificed it all….and have nothing to show for it….
I guess the one thing I always really wanted was a woman to save me. Save me from myself…..
Now here I am where I started, and in worse shape. I would give everything to go back in time and do it all over again…..to relive the happy moments. To change the way things ended up
But that can’t happen. Life does not work like that….
I am not over her. Probally won’t be for a very long time. However I wish I could find that one woman to save me from the hurt. To save me from my destructive decisions….
I am 29 years old. I should know better by now. No such person exists. Its all a fucking fairy tail. There is no happily ever after for me.
Some of you, I know things will get better. You have barely lived. But for me its too late.
Again the question creeps into my mind, is death the better alternative?