This may be my only post on this site. But I needed some place to just talk about this. I feel like I really don’t have anyone to talk to. Some days I feel like I have a lot of friends but most days I just feel alone. I don’t really feel any connection to anyone except one person, really just because I don’t trust anyone except her. She’s my best friend and has been for the past 4 years. I, of course, am in love with her.
The highest and lowest points in my life have always been because of her. When I first met her, I immediately liked her so I attempted to talk to her and it was very rough. She knew how I felt about her because I wasn’t quite as discreet as I thought I was. But even then we became very good friends. I fell in love with every aspect of her, her kindness, intelligence, and humor. Her stance on me never changed however despite how clse we becameand when she first got a boyfriend, I was heartbroken. Then they broke up. After that there was another boyfriend. She did her best to console me and I just couldn’t stand not being with her so I did my best to be ok with her being in a relationship. That relationship ended and I had hope again.
One of my closest friends and her started talking though and I didn’t think much of it because trusted him and didn’t think that he would ever do that to me. I found out about them while I was on a trip from another one of my friends. And it hurt. A lot. I cut off the friend but couldn’t bear to not have her in my life so I forgave her for lying, as I had asked about them a few weeks previously. But I did start seriously thinking about what kind of an idiot I was. I started honestly hating myself for being such a tool. I cut as a way to try and cope. I did my best to push her way.
I had far less contact with her over the next year, made new friends, even had a girlfriend for a little while. She had another boyfriend during this time but it didn’t bother me as much because I felt that I was finally free of her from my thoughts. Even when my girlfriend broke up with me, I felt alright. I met another girl that I really liked but even before we started dating, she met one of my friends. The same thing happened to me twice and I’m paranoid again, I don’t trust anyone and don’t tell anyone anything. But my best friend is there for me, as she’s always been and I realize how much I missed her and how much I care about her. That brings me to now. I’m right back at square one, in love with my best friend, and her only thinking of me as a brother. For 4 years, I’ve been trying everything I can to change her mind. For 4 years, I’ve dreamed and poured everything I have into her. I spoke with her about my feelings and it pained me to see her eyes looking so sad. I’ve wasted so much time because all I want is for her to feel the same way about me. I don’t have any real dreams or aspirations. I don’t feel as if I have any reason to be here. I feel alone and empty. It’s insane how much one person can influence you and take over your thoughts. I don’t want to be here anymore.
Thank you for reading this. Sorry if it went in a few different directions and didn’t all fit together too well. There’s too much for me to write in a few paragraphs.
4 comments
good that you have someone to speak to. I have a friend of 11 years and friends of 3, maybe more. I haven’t told a soul about my feelings and whatever, never plan on it. be grateful you have a soul to speak with, in love or not.
I’m sorry about everything you’ve had to endure. It’s a pretty tricky situation, but in the end it all comes down to this: you have to ask yourself, can you really accept that she’s not going to be with you, and continue with her in an honest friendship? i mean, a long time has passed, and you’re still, like you say, at square one. I don’t know much how your relationship is but, imho, the best for you, if she’s never going to take you as more than a friend, and if you’re never going to be ok with her not being with you… is just walking away. I’m saying this because it’s not fair to neither of you, and i’m guessing it’s not comfortable either… so yeah, something’s gotta give.
I’m sorry that relationship has brought so much pain with it. I had a couple of relationships like that in the past, where everything came back to that one person. Anything they did had a huge influence on me. However much you love a person, if you feel empty and depressed I think you become more attached to them or you feel like you need them more than you might otherwise. I think Mf is right – it’s worth thinking about whether you can accept just being friends with her. If you can that’s great, but it might be hurting you more to hold onto that hope that you might get together. But having a friend there when you feel so bad without them can be a really good thing too. Maybe it would help to have other friends as close as you are with her? It’s not easy to do but if you don’t feel much connection with other people or trust them as much you might not be giving other friendships as much of a chance.
Hope to see you maybe posting again sometime. 🙂 This is a handy place to talk about things you can’t always tell someone in RL.
I agree with the other replies..