i don’t even know why i’m so fucking sad at this point, at first it made a bit of sense cause no one in my household was really okay, or happy for the majority of my life. and i did a few months ago loose my facade and several friends but for fucks sake its been 5 months, years since that family stuff happened and yet i still cry every god damn night i don’t know what to do with myself.
i don’t know why i’m surprised, its not like i’ve ever been able to keep myself together, i learned to lie quick and shield myself cause i didn’t feel safe and that led to me braking down when i was 11-12 because i literally had nowhere i felt i could go for support or nowhere i felt safe. that was the first time my facade broke. i made a mistake (as always) and told my mom i didn’t think i was worth fighting for after she had asked me questions about why i let kids my age step all over me. i felt violated, and i feel so fucking dumb for saying that. they’re my parents, right? so i must be another stupid rebellious teenager. i just don’t like it when they get passed that barrier i never want them to see me that way. i carefuly crafted a daughter for them over the years in order to preserve myself cause i knew a lot of the things i was feeling or thinking were not welcome.
they still aren’t, so that person is going to continue to be me.
i don’t know man, i just always remember being so sad for no reason, getting mad at pointless things and growing such a deep deep hatred for myself that i didn’t know would completely ruin me in the future. i didn’t even know i hated myself honestly. i thought thats just how all people felt about themselves. why would i have thought any different, thats what i lived with all my life.
i started scaring myself when i was 11. sad and afraid as i cried in my bedroom because i felt like i would never be able to do anything i just felt like i had too. i did it on my ankle so it would just look like a scrape. i was 14 when for the first time i was beginning to open up to someone. this was the only person i had ever trusted with anything, really. i wish i didn’t make him go away. i’m sure he doesn’t care for me now.
i wrote this just thinking maybe, putting some of it in words will help me figure it out, maybe if i tell other people it’ll feel better. i don’t know i hope it works, i bank on the anonimity of this website. and the community sense it has. i feel a lot better knowing this is a site for just as fucked up people who don’t even know who i am. so ironically, as closed off as i am this gives me the most backfire free place i’ve been too so far.