I’m back it seems

I joined this site when I was in seventh grade. stopped my freshman year of high school. Now I’m almost a senior and I’m back.

There’s been so much on my mind I can’t really describe the way I’m feeling. it just not right, I don’t feel right. A couple months ago I was giving away almost all my things.

Everything i use to love, my paints, my canvases, my books, items that had sentimental value to me i just threw away like it was garbage. I honestly wasn’t expecting to be around this long. but i also wasn’t planning on killing myself. In my head I already felt like i was dying. i’m not sure how to explain it but i felt dead, i was giving my things away because i never do anything anymore, i want painting, reading, or even watching tv. i’d just listen to music and stair at the ceiling thinking about anything.

The words “anxiety” “depression” and “suicide” make me CRINGE. not when others use them of course not because chances are they actually have depression and anxiety and have possibly contemplated suicide.

but me

im just a fake piece of shit. pretending i have this so i don’t have to do things i don’t want to do. i don’t want to do anything. There was a time when i genuinely felt i had depression but now i look back and i don’t think i ever did. i use to think i had suicidal thoughts but now I’m almost sure those were just ‘what ifs’

“what if i killed my self?” I’d think almost everyday for 3 years asking myself “do i really want to do this or is it just a question?”

i planned out how i would do it if i did. but i knew in my heart i could never do it. i just wanted to see

Suicide never crossed my mind too seriously. It was just curiosity. I thought maybe if i just killed myself i wouldn’t have to deal with anything. I don’t even feel like moving.

But i keep myself going because there are some people i have to help while im still here.