I figure I have a lot of problems so I’m just going to list one problem per post. They are all somewhat related to my first (and only) suicide attempt hence they belong here.
Problem #1: My Standards
I set too high a standard for others. Whenever I’m making new friends every box on the “Perfect Friend Questionnaire” has to be checked otherwise I have trouble being friends with them. This has lead to many lost friends throughout the years because I can’t acknowledge that I’m not the only human in the world. I wish this weren’t the case; however, when I meet someone new I always jump to their flaws. I can’t help it. I’ve grown up in a world where everyone is either giving or receiving criticism. And I’ve learned that criticizing is good, receiving criticism is a sign you aren’t good enough. I’m not sure what to do about this. I want to be able to identify with others and not have to expect an ideal human being out of them but I can’t. For example, I have this very good friend who is kind, supportive and generous with me. She’s a terrific friend. But a lot of the time she ignores me because she has so many other friends. And then I feel irrelevant in her life and that changes everything I feel about her. I can’t look past it and it trumps all her good qualities. Why is it that I only pay attention to the bad and never the good? How can I stop going on like this?
– effy stonem
5 comments
I used to be that way. Then I just said fuck it, I learn more about life from people who are nothing like me and can’t remotely understand where I am coming from than from someone who is my carbon copy. It is harder to be friends with folks who don’t share my values or interests, but I double my life enrichment each time I make friends with someone that has spectacularly different interests.
My brother always says the mind is a parachute. Well mine is wide open.
Nobody is perfect, not even you. The only way you’ll ever find “the perfect person” is after you’ve become the perfect person for someone else.
Life gets less disappointing when you lower your standards. Accept that people are flawed, and if you’re lucky you’ll find people who value you for your positive traits and are willing to look past your imperfections.
wow. Brilliant.
If you wanted to talk to the friend you mentioned and not feel ignored, YOU would have to lower their importance in your life so that you would match the effort they are giving you. Otherwise, yep, you’ll feel resentful.
I had a friend once (whom I knew IRL), who was fun, intelligent, interesting, and had a million things going on in her life at once… but who managed to stay down-to-earth and awkwardly charming despite that. I thought she was great, so when she visited town and texted, “Meet me in a half-hour, let’s hang out,” I usually dropped what I was doing and ran.
As time went on, I came to realize that she wouldn’t do the same for me. I would try calling, and no answer, so I’d text her… “Hi, I have a question about something that you would know, can you help me out?” but I rarely, if ever, got a text back.
I even volunteered in assisting her with a work project, but when the time came around that I really needed her expertise or advice, was she there? No. Despite everything she said about wanting friendships to be a 50/50 equal effort, SHE was the taker, not the giver. She expected people to jump at her command, but wasn’t willing to try to accommodate them in her schedule.
In the end I just walked away without telling her the reason why. She and I weren’t extremely close, and I had lots of other friends while knowing her, so I didn’t want to hang around to be ‘used’ by someone who didn’t even seem to realise she was using me.
There are billions of people out there. Only spend your time on the ones who make an equal effort for you, and who don’t make you feel terrible about yourself, but whom you feel comfortable around. Your friends should be a positive influence in your life and should be at the same level of ‘giving’ as you are.
Honestly, having higher standards isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I set my standards too low, and now I have no friends. I guess this just proves the on-going lesson of finding the middle. If you go too far on one end (ex: too high of standards), you’ll have troubles with friends. In the same way, if you’re an idiot like me and want everyone to be your friend, you’re going to have problems with friends. I had a friend kick me repeatedly in the face after throwing me to the ground, and I was still good friends with her.
In reality, we need a mix of both kinds of people in this world to make it function (or whatever). We need people with high standards. In all honesty, I look up to people like you. You be you, mate. You’re alive still, so you must be doing something right. ?