Slipping again

I’ve been trying to surround myself with things that I used to love, such as drawing and singing. My name is officially on the program for the Honors recital at the community college, which is two weeks from now. I’ll be singing Vedrai Carino, a Mozart piece. Yesterday I sketched for the first time in two years. I kept myself from quitting choir, something I loved just a week ago, something that feels unfamiliar now. I attended auditions on Friday for the musical at the community college. I used to get a rush out of auditions and it just left me feeling empty and violated for some reason. I didn’t really do my best. Worst audition yet. Saw someone post about them getting a role in Facebook. Didn’t make me jealous. It made me feel like I wasn’t really advancing. This little music bubble isn’t getting me anywhere, is what I thought. But It’s the only thing I know. It was a part of me, something I defined myself with. I feel like it’s missing now and I feel so lost. Sketching was lost a long time ago. Painting was as well.  Sewing, knitting, learning piano, gone. Reading, writing, dancing. Poetry. Learning. I feel old, but so young at the same time. Too young. The next two days are going to be a nightmare. I’m going downhill again.