Want to want

Hello. I want to want to be alone. I did not repeat myself. I want to posses the attitude of wanting to be alone. I get that I’m alone, but I hate that feeling of wanting to be apart of other people’s lives. I was in the mall today, on another field trip. I sat alone at the food court watching people walk by, usually in groups. They were talking, laughing, and smiling like regular people. I hated it. My head was pounding the entire time, telling me to get as far away as possible. I wanted to be back in the dorm, alone. I wanted out. I hate being stuck here. Like I said it comes in waves, and this time it hit pretty hard. I have 4 more days. I’ve got to get through this. Side note I think the trip sponsors are starting to notice. One asked me if I wanted to go watch a movie with the others at the student commons. Last thing I need is one of the sponsors pulling me aside and start asking questions and shit. Or worse tell the others to invite me to stuff. Kind of like that teacher in elementary that would go up to kids on the playground and say “Why don’t you invite him to play?” There’s nothing worse than being a charity case. I don’t want to be pitied or looked down on. I hate that. Thanks for listening.