I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I think of something funny and I’m able to dream when I think of my future. I have these little delusions about being something in the future. That’s all they are. Delusions. But they are nice to have. To feel happy in that moment of dreaming about something nice. To dream about being a useful engineer and making great things. But now I think it’s clicked in my head. That inflection point where everything seems hopeless, no matter how peaceful that point in time is. Right now I should be happy about my break, but I’m not. I’m just thinking about how I’m a failure for not having an internship. How I’m a failure for not doing anything worth being proud of in my four years of college. How graduate school is such a laughable idea. How I’ll just end up screwing up my senior project. How I’ll end up screwing up my summer job I’m going to have. How I’m nothing. All day today I spent with my dad to get things done for moving out of my apartment and I felt ashamed every time we talked about something. Like the job I’m going to start next week. About all the internships I’ve applied for. How I’m supposed to graduate next year. How I’m thinking about graduate school. Everything seems so laughably pointless. Because I’m pointless. I’m nothing. I feel this heavy pain in my heart and I genuinely feel like it’s here to stay. I stopped taking medication a long time ago because I was tired of trying to be better. I was tired of trying to pretend that things would be better with it. I think there was always a tiny part of hope that says, I can be better, one day I’ll really prove myself and be better, I’m capable of being like everyone else. But now it’s gone. It’s clicked in my head.
I’m in the middle of a class right now. We are going to present today. I don’t feel good at all. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done. This time is a bit different though. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my professor. I want to work under her for my final senior project. It’s a whole thing, but I really admire her. She’s super accomplished, so to fall flat on my face in front of her sucks. I’ve tried so hard for her class, but this one just fell apart. I just needed to get that out of my head for a bit. It was making me feel sick to think about it. I don’t know if it made me feel any better, but before I was writing I was definitely going to throw up. Now I still feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m just no good.
I’m kind of tired. I don’t want to do anything. I have two tests and one presentation left and that’s the semester. Even though I only have two things left, I don’t really care about any of it. I just feel like coasting. I’ve always coasted, so why should now be any different. I just ain’t feeling it. Any of it really. It’s all just a pain to deal with. I kind of just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about any of it. I often think about what’s supposed to make people happy. What is that quality that people find that makes them say “Yeah this thing that I’m doing right now is fine.” I often try to look for happiness in my accomplishments or in people that I want to be close to. However, I’ve never accomplished anything worth being proud of and I have nobody close to me. So where exactly am I supposed to look if the places I’ve already check aren’t doing it. Hmm. It’ll be one month next week since I’ve stopped. I’m thinking about keeping it up. It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but maybe this is the time it will stick. I’ve always been afraid to let go, but maybe this time I will. I know the only way to really do that is to just cut it off completely, but even then I’m scared. The last time I tried to do it, I left one little thread hanging, because I was too scared to let go. I don’t think I’ll cut the cord completely just yet, but I think it might be in the cards. Who knows? At the end of the day it just wasn’t in the cards. I have to just learn to be ok with that.
I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but it won out and for now it stays. I’ve had it since before Christmas. Every week it’s just been staring at me. I often question why I got it in the first place. I want to say out of the goodness in my heart and because I care, but I’d be a fucking liar. Nobody does anything without expecting something. I am no exception. I doubt they’d even care about it if I ever manage to give it to them. It’s just some dumb trinkets. Nothing special. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter but come July you could bet all the money in the world that I’ll just do the same thing over again. Then I’ll have two things of baggage. It’s rather ridiculous of me. Oh well whatever.
My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.
Yesterday I learned how difficult the next few weeks were going to be. Next next week I have three final projects due and an exam. The following week I have 3 exams and 1 final project due. And of course in between now and then I have smaller regular assignments due. It’s typical, but that’s just it. I just have to keep chipping away at it, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And then the joke was set up. I was emailed about a co-op opportunity from one of the many companies I applied to and got rejected by. Some lady representative emailed me about this 5 month opportunity and to give her my resume. I was so excited. I saw the email and I said out loud to myself in my empty apartment “I’m not a failure.”. I of course immediately replied and told her I’d be happy to apply and started asking her questions. She replied quickly and answered all of my questions and I took that as a great sign that this could really happen. Of course I was an idiot. I asked her another question today after I didn’t get a reply for something innocuous, and she told me she didn’t know, but after looking at my resume that I might not be a great fit for the company. There’s the punchline. There it is. It was less than a day before the sadness and disappointment set in. I get that she wasn’t offering the job at the beginning and that she was looking around for candidates. I get it. I get that I was definitely not the only one she emailed. I get that there are more qualified people. I get that. But this joke that the universe likes playing on me still hurts. I’m just very tired. I was suppose to work all day on all the stuff that I have due, but I just wanted to sleep. There’s still a few hours in the day left, so I just have to drag myself out and keep chipping away at it. It’s rather tiring. I think one of the saddest aspects about all this is how I immediately called my parents and told them about it and how I had a good feeling about it. How I should start planning to find an apartment at Arlington and what I should do about school and all that. I haven’t told them that I probably won’t get it, I’m just too tired. My stomach has been hurting for the past few days. I’ve been eating like shit and I stopped jogging a while ago. I just haven’t had time (more like too tired to). All these jokes being played on me have got me worn down. I don’t really think I can keep smiling through them all. At least I still have a job lined up for the summer. And I’ll be back home so I could try seeing her (to probably no success). I won’t have to put college on hold and graduate later than I am supposed to, changing my degree plan and all that. And finally I know now for sure that where I stand.
My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On the one hand that feeling of hopelessness and suffocation tells me there’s no point in bothering with anything. I’m a failure and I have to accept that, so why bother moving forward. On the other hand my anxiety and desperation to want to be better than I am is pushing me forward. I’m so scared of failure, even though that’s all I am. So I keep going and keep grinding away at the problems. I can’t fully commit to either direction. I haven’t just stopped every thing and resign myself to dropping out, but I still don’t put all my effort in and try to hide away when things get tough. It’s like I’m a doll and these two different thoughts are toddlers pulling at my arms. I’m just curious when the seams are going to pop.
Of course I’m also going to talk about my situation with her because I just can’t help myself and move on. In a week, it will be four months since I’ve talked to her. From time to time I think about it, but that feeling is starting to become numb. After all, I have other things to worry about. Of course it hurts a bit when I think about her, but I just have to focus on a different pain for the moment. The only real worrying thing is that from time to time I see her active on Discord. At least this is how I know she is ok. But she hasn’t really been on in like a week or so, so my paranoia is starting to set in. The last thing I want is for her to be sick or in trouble. I think the scariest thing I can think of if she finally couldn’t handle her situation and just decided to end it all. Of course I can’t judge her or be upset if she does chose that, but it especially hurts to think about since I would never know. Even if she choses to completely cut me out of her life, I hope for more than anything in the world that she’s ok. That’s all I really want.
I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because I choose to be pathetic and worthless and not to amount to anything. I have had every opportunity to be better than I am and I took none of them. It could be out of fear or doubt or simple laziness. But it was still me who chose. Lately I go to sleep wanting to die and I wake up wanting to die and I am on the bus on the way to the cafeteria wanting to die. It’s pulling me down. My mind is in this strange split place where I fantasize about a great life and happiness and then another half that sees the reality of my poor decisions and has me wallow in my own self hatred and past failures. I thought about stepping into the middle of the street while a car was passing by. I immediately thought it wouldn’t work as the car was only going about 35 and I would just be dragging somebody into something bad. I don’t know.
My last mind drain was a month ago. I said I might not need this place until May, but I just needed another round of draining out my skull. Lately I’ve been really feeling it. The weight of it. That feeling you get when you know something is going to go wrong but you don’t know what it is. It’s like a feeling at the base of your stomach. You carry it around all day, and it just sits there. I haven’t been on medication for a few months now. I don’t want medication. I’ve gone on and off and on and off pills for so long now. I just want to stop pretending that I’m trying and not even bother with it. My dad was on me about it when he came to visit. I got mad and told him that my problems are my problems and his are his. I remember he said something similar to that when we were coming home from one of my therapy sessions in High School. I want to be miserable and I want to be miserable alone. So this is the last month or so of this semester. Honestly this is the first semester in a while where I really put in elbow grease. I stayed on top of my assignments, did things early, and somewhat paid attention to like the one class I actually cared about. The others I just crammed earlier than I normally would when a test came around. I don’t know if I’ll get better grades because of it, but at least I can say that I tried. I haven’t heard from any of the companies I applied for. Only two had the decency to send me a rejection email about my application. The others didn’t even bother. There’s nothing special about me so it’s no surprise that I ended up with nothing. It’s actually impressive how unimpressive I am. I do have a job lined up though. It isn’t an engineering internship, but it is with a manufacturing company. I’ll be working on the production line at $9 an hour. Honestly that’s probably where I belong. I say that, but I’ll probably find a way to screw that up too. I haven’t tried talking to anyone lately. I have completely holed myself up in my apartment. I mean everyone is doing that what with the pandemic, but I haven’t talked to anyone on discord or the phone. I’ve been feeling even more empty if that’s possible.
Still haven’t heard from here. It’s going on 4 months in like two weeks. Wonder how long it will go on for. 6 months? A year? Forever? The thing is I know I’ve heard that friends don’t need to talk all the time and what ever, but the thing is with her I never know when I’ll talk to her last. Maybe something happened to her and I’ll never know. Maybe she’s actively trying to stay away from me because she just got fed up. Maybe she just plain forgot about me. Who knows? I’ve thought about it and I don’t even know what I’d even do if I’d ever happen to see her. She’s a stranger. I don’t even know if what I feel for her is friendship or romantic feelings or what? How could I feel anything? I don’t know, but I know I think about her on a near constant basis. Say that I did manager to be a constant in her life. That we manage to get to a place where we talk regularly and I know about how thing are going with her and she knows how things are going with me and all that. What would I even do? I want to make her happy and have her see in me a person who can make her feel comfortable and safe. I want to be a person that she could come to with her problems and I could make things even a tiny bit better. But how could I? I barely know how to keep myself going. I don’t know how to handle my own problems and my own sadness and my own anxieties. How can I be that type of person for her, when her troubles are so much bigger than mine? I don’t even know why I feel anything or how I could feel anything. I think she doesn’t need me. I think I’m just a footnote to her, and I just have to learn how to deal with that.
I’ve drained out my skull enough. I think I’m good. But then again I always manage to end up back here.
Been a while since I’ve been here. Just haven’t felt like I’ve needed this place for a bit. But occasionally I just need to dump out the contents of my head. I’ve just been feeling real numb lately. Not sad or angry, just hollow. I’ve been keeping up with school work and I’ve actually been doing things at a reasonable pace. I’m still busy during the week, but I haven’t been overwhelmed by procrastinating on assignments. I’ve been trying to jog lately, but getting the motivation to do it is a pain. I was also doing full body exercises with dumbbells as well, but haven’t done any in like 3 weeks. Lately I’ve started drinking. I told myself that I would never start because a lot of family members have had alcoholism issues and I never wanted to be like them, but after a while I just wanted to see what the big deal was. The thing is I don’t drink enough to get drunk or even really buzzed. I drink 1, maybe 2 beers in like an afternoon. At first I hated the taste and needed to mix it with lemonade to even get through 1. But now I think I’m getting a taste for it. I don’t have a specific brand or drink yet, I’ve only tried like 2 different kinds. I would like to find one with a citrusy or lemony taste. Shock Top is the one I have in my fridge now and is the one that I’m getting a taste for. I thought it would be more citrusy, but it’s not really. I haven’t talked to her since December, on my birthday (coincidence, she didn’t even know it was my birthday and I didn’t say anything because I was afraid I’d make her feel guilty for not knowing). We haven’t talked consistently for like a year. I think about her a lot and the whole situation. I playback the facts in my head on loop and it always comes back to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care about me the way I care about her. I mean it’s not her fault. She has a lot of things going on and it’s not like she does this because she hates me. She just doesn’t have enough room in her life right now, even for a friend. The thing is, I know the second she ever calls, I’ll drop everything just to hear her voice. I have so many mixed feelings about it all. I think I’m good for a few months. I’ll be back here in like May.
I have a little under two weeks before classes start again. This break has been longer than a month, so time has felt like it’s gone by real slowly. When I’m left with nothing to do I start thinking of how about all the things I screwed up. All my failures and odd quirks. I can’t help but think of all the times I ran away from responsibility and the like. All the time I spent worrying about pointless things and how there’s no use changing them. Do you ever get into the habit of doing something that eventually you forget why you do it? Doing it just becomes like a tick or impulse. But when you think about stopping or letting it go, you get really afraid. Like you want to cling on to it, but it’s best that you should just let it go. I don’t know. What an extremely dumb and pointless life I’ve lived.
Hey chen. I know I told you can look at any post, but maybe skip this one. Just a thought.
I feely oddly content just being her friend. I told her how I feel and she gave me an answer. Sure I was sad that she said she didn’t feel the same way, but I understood. What with everything going on in her life. Yet, I’m still happy I know her. I still like talking to her and I still care about how she’s doing. I know that in a small part of my mind, I’m hoping things will change, but I need to understand that they won’t. I need to let go of her in that way. But I don’t want to let go of her as a friend. I sometimes daydream about us being together. I know that isn’t healthy per se, but I can’t help how I feel. Hopefully overtime, my mind will simply grow accustomed to reality. Regardless though, I still want to be there for her. I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle. Maybe it’s a bad idea to try and hope that being friends is enough. I don’t know.
So yesterday my team and I turned in our group project. That makes the second term project for me this semester with one more to go. Overall we got a good response from the teacher. It didn’t work like we wanted it to, but we still managed to satisfy the professor. We probably won’t get the best grade in the class, but we didn’t fail. The thing is that’s not the best thing that I took away from this whole process. I still have a low opinion of myself and think that I will end up as nothing, but this project gave me a small bit of hope that maybe I’m not completely useless. I think I was able to help to some degree and be a good engineer. One of my teammates was this extremely bright girl that is a part of this fancy research lab and works several jobs and has this huge list of accomplishments, which usually bums me out to think about how everyone around me is better than me. However, there were just certain things that she was not great at. Trying to explain certain things to her was a bit difficult and she always seemed to want to do things the hard way or in a way that just didn’t make sense. So it made me realize that you don’t necessarily need to have this long list of achievements and all that to be something. Yeah she still has this long line of achievements and she probably is a lot more knowledgeable than me in certain areas, but I still had something to offer. The same goes for the other two teammates, they have this incredible list of achievements and jobs, but they are also older than me and took a while to get to a place where they understood what they liked and wanted. They either changed majors several times or transferred from community colleges or what not. So I now know that it’s ok to not have this direct path to success. They took different winding paths to get to where they are now and that’s fine. I don’t know. I think I don’t feel as useless and pointless.
I did it. I told my team that I had to leave. I ran away again. I’m pathetic. I always run away when things get hard. I am a coward. I will never be anything. I love spider-man. I love My Hero Academia. I think I love those things, because those characters never give up. I love seeing them get up when everything is against them and win. How they never let themselves fail or run away. That’s what defines them. The get up no matter what. I’m nothing like that. I’m not a hero. I’m not anything. I remember as a young kid that I’d say sorry a lot when I mess up. When I was a small child and I spilled something or forget something or do something wrong, I’d say sorry. My parents would always say “Sorry doesn’t cut it. Stop saying you’re sorry when you always do this.” I’m terrified of failing and letting everyone down, so I do nothing. I am nothing. I don’t blame my parents for me being like this. I think something is just ingrained into me. Some sort of defect. That I’m just inherently broken. I don’t know. I just know it’s my fault.
It happened again. It always happens. No matter what it always happens. The small parts of my mind that hold some tiny hope that things will be different are slowly dwindling. I fucked it up again. I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. Tired of being dead weight. Tired of being nothing. I will never be anything. My mind is screaming at me to go ahead and do it. Above all else I just feel sad and angry. Angry that I couldn’t be anything else. Why does it always happen. Why. I’m so small and scared and everything is so big and complicated. I hate this. I hate everything.
Here it is again. I mentioned it earlier, but here comes the freeze. The time of year where I give up on everything and don’t move a muscle. Around this time I neglect everything and lose all motivation to do anything. It always happens around the last two months of the semester. I just feel like doing nothing. I have an assignment due by the end of the day and I’m not even a quarter done. I just don’t feel like doing it. I stare at it and stare at it, and I still feel like I don’t know what I am supposed to do. The thing is I feel no urgency about it. I feel no need to try. Yet I still stare at the problem in front of me and I don’t know why. It’s like there’s a part of me that refuses to just stop. Like it drags my deadweight corpse, struggling and panting the entire time. It takes a moment to rest every now and again, but then it gets right back up and struggles to move the other part of me along. If I really wanted to stop, I’d drop out. I’d quit college and just resign to being a failure. Probably apply for whatever job I could get and live the rest of my life doing it. But I don’t. I don’t know why, but I don’t. I was talking to some friends on discord about some stuff and the topic came to the election. A friend of mine mentioned how Biden doesn’t care about him or people like him because he contributes nothing to society. He dropped out of high school and now he plays WOW all day. Realistically, he is everything I am afraid of becoming. The way he made his life sounds, he made it out that he has no value. That he is nothing. But yet he seems happy. He seems to love being alive. Or it appears that way on the surface. Maybe he has a lot of hardships that I am unaware of. He seems like one of the happiest guys I know, but I don’t know everything about him. Regardless, it made me really sad when he talked down on himself.
It’s come again. It’s winter. I have depression year round, but I can’t help but feel a bit more frigid during the winter. It is the season where things die. I should be working on my group project right now. I’m thinking about quitting it. It’s an extracurricular thing. I’ve been useless throughout the entire process. I’ve contributed next to nothing. I just show up to the meetings and say that I’ll try and do this and that, and I never do anything worth while. I should quit, but it will be another thing I started and stopped again. Just another one of my many failures. Why can’t I be something good. Why can’t I be useful. I’ll never amount to anything. There is a meeting tomorrow and I’ll have to say again “I didn’t get anything done this week.” I should just die already. I’m not good enough. I think I want an easy life. The thing is, life isn’t easy. So what I want doesn’t exist. I’m ashamed that I want an easy life. I’m ashamed that I should be better. I will never be anything. What am I?
It’s a saying that keeps repeating in my head. It comforts me.
I had a dream last night. I can’t remember the full details, but I remember spending a lot of time with a girl in it. I can’t really remember her face, but she was a bit shorter than me and she had longish hair. Those are the only features I can remember from her. We spent our time just doing menial stuff like buying snacks from the gas station and riding a bus. I really felt like she wanted to be there with me. Like she cared about me. I remember looking at her and she had really kind eyes. I really want to hold on to that feeling. Of being with someone who cares about me. I’ve been having headaches for the past few days. It’s probably because I stopped taking my medicine. I need to keep up with that.
It rings in my mind over and over again. You’ll never be anything. When I wake up, when I go to bed, every moment of every day. I think I’m starting to think about it more than I think about her. Like the situation with her, for whatever reason, no matter how much I repeat it, saying it still constricts my heart. I feel like I should be numb to it already. That I should be able to tune it out and hear only white noise. That I should accept my own pointlessness. My nothingness. Yet, it still causes me pain. The thoughts echo in my brain 24/7.