Wednesday is the final demo. It barely functions and things keep getting worse. It’s over. I guess all I can do is pray for mercy, but I think it’s time I face the consequences. I don’t know if I will graduate. I have to learn to accept what comes to me. I can see the disappointment in my other team mates. They are also sad. I get it. I have only myself to blame. I could have done more and been better. Oh well, I have to accept it. It’s hard, but I […]
Fucking bastard. So this prick has been making excuses all god damn year long on way he can’t be around to help on the project. At this point, I’ve accepted that this project might be a bust. I might not graduate because of this shit, but at the end of the day, I simply didn’t do enough. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t control the effort other people put in, but I can control my own effort, and for a lot of it I just ran because I was afraid and a coward. I’ve accepted […]
Well I made my decision. I’m going to WPI. I’m totally out of my depth and will probably flunk out. I’m a dumbass who has no idea what he’s doing and might not even graduate considering all the shit I still haven’t done for my senior project due in less than two weeks. I’m fucked beyond all reason. Yet I still choose it. I can feel myself loosing it with just the little amount of work I have now, so this is probably going to fuck me. The panic of stuff recently got to me, but now […]
Just don’t have anymore left in me. I always forget the exact feeling of hopelessness until I fall right back into it. I know it feels awful and that there’s this weight that drags me down. But the exact sensation of hopelessness is always forgotten. This sensation however feels slightly off. Like somehow more crushing. Maybe because it’s almost the end. I think the only reason why I post here is because I’m alone. There’s no where else where I can put these thoughts, so I do it here. I keep writing things down and then […]
I just feel sick. Like I’m diseased or something. Just no good. The weeks are going by slowly. Slow march towards my failure. I have to make a decision by Friday. So paralyzed with indecision and fear. Makes me feel like nothing. I have to be realistic, but that tiny sad sliver of hope still persists. I’m just no good. The constant noise in my head just won’t stop. I’m scared. Can’t feel a thing.
So far when ever I ask for advice on what to choose, I always get the same answer. “You know yourself best, so it’s up to you”. I understand the sentiment, but I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate how pathetic and sad and worthless I am. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her. Lately, I feel like less and less I want to talk to her. Maybe that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be up to her to make me feel better. I can feel myself losing it a little. […]
10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]
Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel […]
What am I supposed to be? What am I? I think a lot. Today I was riding the bus back home and I saw a small toddler and his mom (I assume). All I can think was “Whatever you do, don’t grow up. Stay a kid as long as humanly possible. Whatever you do, stay small.” This is a pointless story, but it’s just something I thought about. I try to remember a time where things weren’t sad. Where I thought to myself, I’m not completely worthless. Sometimes I’m too scared to even more. […]
I’m so angry. I don’t even really think I can but it into words right now. All I know is, is that the project is fucked and that I hate the slimy fucking weasel. I hope he gets fucked over hard one day.
Just 2 more months and I’m done. Just 2 more. Need to get there. Of course it’s not just 2 more months. Then comes the next thing. Graduate school. I got rejected from OSU. In terms of my preference, it was #2 on my list. Really liked the programs and labs offered. Got accepted for RIT and University of Washington, my #3 and #4. Haven’t heard from my #1 yet, but if I couldn’t get into OSU, got no hope of getting into WPI. So it’s between RIT and University of Washington. Besides […]
I’m not good enough. I’m just not. Trying to get this thing to work won’t work. I’m just no good. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared out of my mind. Lately, I just sleep. I sleep because I don’t want to deal with anything. I sleep because I want to run away. I’m no good. I’m just no good.
I can feel myself unraveling. Again and again. It’s always a sequence of unraveling, getting up, and re-raveling yourself. Over and over and over again. I don’t think I’m going to graduate. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I don’t know what I am supposed to be. I have no passion or desire. All I do as sit down and complain. I think that’s why I try so hard to get close to her. To try and derive happiness from someone else instead of myself. That’s not how that’s supposed to work. I […]
I am very tired. I slept for a long time. But I’m still tired. Being asleep is nice, but now my anxieties are creeping in now too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything. I’m so very alone. What am I even doing honestly? Where are we? Hate this so much. Hate everything.
I went to sleep somewhat calm about the situation and woke up anxious. It’s this constant back and forth of being calm and being anxious that’s starting to grind on me right now. I’m not sure if I’m grateful for those momentary moments of calm or resentful. Being anxious all the time would be awful, but having that calm ripped away from you to go back to the worry and fear feels also terrible. It’s like a man dying of thirst that is then periodically offered a tiny sip of water and no more. Was he better off continuing to […]
This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]
This week was a bit of a rough one. I just felt tired. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I think I’m developing another vice and that makes me scared. I don’t drink often, but I’m starting to really binge drink when I do. Part of myself wants get so drunk that I don’t even see straight. Another part of me is scared by this. The last time I really drank heavily was a little over a month ago, after I got done with the semester. Drank 5 cans of 9.5% abv. Threw up the […]
I broke down today. The first time in a while. It’s always in the privacy of my apartment. I have this odd tick that when it gets really bad I laugh. It always feels so forced and unreal, but it still happens. I am tired. I don’t know what I want.
Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]
It’s like an itch in my mind. Something that refuses to go away. It’s been little more than a week since I have decided to finally give up. To finally stop bothering her and just let her be. To stop torturing myself and hoping that she cares about me. She doesn’t need me. She has friends and other things going on. She doesn’t care. I repeat these things in my head over and over and over again, but it’s still itchy. Lately I just go to sleep if I have nothing to do. Then I […]
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