I got out of the hospital yesterday. I was there for almost 2 weeks at that point. Most of it spent in the ICU. It was awful. Being hooked up to vital machines and IVs. Being told to eat shitty protein drinks and foods. Being woken up at night to take medication. I hated it it. 2 weeks of my life spent chained to a bed not being able to work. It made me anxious that I’m behind. I’m still anxious. I was already feeling bad about all this, but now I’m teetering back […]
I’ve been in the ICU since Monday. The rash on my body has slowed, but I’m starting to bleed from my mouth and penis constantly. My lips scab over and fall off pretty much every day. I’m starting to have open wounds on my neck and scrotum. I feel so claustrophobic being hooked up to IVs and machines. I haven’t taken a shower and I smell like shit. I hate this. I can’t keep up with school and am already behind. I barely understand the assignments.
My mom brought up maybe taking a year off school […]
I got a rash all over my body. My lips are swollen and they said I have lesions in my throat. My gums are sensitive and my eyes are red. Even when I’m not in a manic state, my BP is ruining my life. I feel nothing but pain all over. Horrible throbbing itching. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I hate this so much. It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this, but it ruined my life anyways.
It’s like I’m experiencing a new one everyday. First it was muscle pains around my neck. Then the next day I woke up hot and with a headache. Now I woke up with a rash all over me. This is hell. It’s bad enough that I’m feeling down about this whole masters thing, but now my body is working against me too? Really. This hurts like a mother fucker. Everything is working against me. My illness, my medication, my mind. It’s like the world wants me to fail. Yet I’m still going today. […]
I can feel this fog on me again. My father has finally left. My parents were adamant in following me to Massachusetts until I hit baseline. I had to convince me new psychiatrist to tell them they can leave now. Now that I’m alone, I can feel it. That brokenness that I felt back home. Back in my old apartments. When I would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I can feel it now. That sense of dread. The sense that I’m several layers out of my depth. The alarm bells ringing […]
I can’t get it out of my head. I just can’t. The ER was hell. It was literal hell on earth. I thought I was going to be stuck there forever. Ever single bad thing reminds me of that place. It reminds me how awful it was. To be locked in a box. No sun, couldn’t see my own brother, I was screamed at and yelled at and wasn’t able to tell what the button was for. I wanted to leave. I wanted out. I hated it. I hated it. My mind […]
I guess I’m going to posting here more often. This disease is so fresh and new to me that I just need time to reason it out. Even though everyone is being effected by this, my mind is more and more concerned for her. I’m sure that if she’s reading this, she is tired reading about herself. Maybe it makes her a little uncomfortable. Maybe a little guilty. I always want to reiterate that this is a me problem. It’s on me to just get over it. It’s on me to stop putting such a burden of […]
Just tired. It feels good to be back. To baseline. To be sad and miserable. It feels good. My parents are giving me a hard time again. It feels natural. Calling me ungrateful and spoiled. It feels right. To be back here. To be low again. It’s my baseline. I’m going to be miserable and that’s just that. I’m crying again. Silently. I feel like I learned to do that when I was a kid and knowing that crying would piss my mom off. I think. Maybe that’s […]
I was diagnosed about last Wednesday. I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. Except that I missed just being depressed. I got a scholarship to my first choice graduate school. Full ride. I was cautious about it. I was sure I would mess it up and end up having to pay the tuition. Then I went to Boston. It was great. Getting to see all the robotics company and a new city. Getting to meet people that had my same interest and that I could find that I could talk to. […]
My dreams are becoming stranger and stranger. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m bored or because I’ve been off my medication for a while. I can barely remember what I was dreaming about earlier, but I could tell that even during the dream I was confused about what was going on. Something about changing times and places. Being in middle school and then in high school and then someone else and not myself. Just nonsense.
My brother is having girl problems. He just finished middle school. I’m not sure if I believe in god, but the times when […]
The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.
Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover […]
Wednesday is the final demo. It barely functions and things keep getting worse. It’s over. I guess all I can do is pray for mercy, but I think it’s time I face the consequences. I don’t know if I will graduate. I have to learn to accept what comes to me. I can see the disappointment in my other team mates. They are also sad. I get it. I have only myself to blame. I could have done more and been better. Oh well, I have to accept it. It’s hard, but I […]
Fucking bastard. So this prick has been making excuses all god damn year long on way he can’t be around to help on the project. At this point, I’ve accepted that this project might be a bust. I might not graduate because of this shit, but at the end of the day, I simply didn’t do enough. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t control the effort other people put in, but I can control my own effort, and for a lot of it I just ran because I was afraid and a coward. I’ve accepted […]
Well I made my decision. I’m going to WPI. I’m totally out of my depth and will probably flunk out. I’m a dumbass who has no idea what he’s doing and might not even graduate considering all the shit I still haven’t done for my senior project due in less than two weeks. I’m fucked beyond all reason. Yet I still choose it. I can feel myself loosing it with just the little amount of work I have now, so this is probably going to fuck me. The panic of stuff recently got to me, but now […]
Just don’t have anymore left in me. I always forget the exact feeling of hopelessness until I fall right back into it. I know it feels awful and that there’s this weight that drags me down. But the exact sensation of hopelessness is always forgotten. This sensation however feels slightly off. Like somehow more crushing. Maybe because it’s almost the end. I think the only reason why I post here is because I’m alone. There’s no where else where I can put these thoughts, so I do it here. I keep writing things down and then […]
I just feel sick. Like I’m diseased or something. Just no good. The weeks are going by slowly. Slow march towards my failure. I have to make a decision by Friday. So paralyzed with indecision and fear. Makes me feel like nothing. I have to be realistic, but that tiny sad sliver of hope still persists. I’m just no good. The constant noise in my head just won’t stop. I’m scared. Can’t feel a thing.
So far when ever I ask for advice on what to choose, I always get the same answer. “You know yourself best, so it’s up to you”. I understand the sentiment, but I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate how pathetic and sad and worthless I am. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her. Lately, I feel like less and less I want to talk to her. Maybe that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be up to her to make me feel better. I can feel myself losing it a little. […]
10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]
Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel […]
What am I supposed to be? What am I? I think a lot. Today I was riding the bus back home and I saw a small toddler and his mom (I assume). All I can think was “Whatever you do, don’t grow up. Stay a kid as long as humanly possible. Whatever you do, stay small.” This is a pointless story, but it’s just something I thought about. I try to remember a time where things weren’t sad. Where I thought to myself, I’m not completely worthless. Sometimes I’m too scared to even more. […]
Newer Posts