It’s Thanksgiving today. My folks and brother came up to see me. Got here on Monday. I’m happy to see them, but I kind of forgot what it was like to be around people. Especially since I have a set routine and way of doing things here. It also doesn’t help that they are practically geriatric. Getting anywhere or telling them something requires a lot of patience which I’ve never really had. I know I should, but I don’t. It gets to a point where I get annoyed trying to get lunch. I don’t want to be […]
Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it […]
Just needed to empy my head a small bit. Been meaning to for a little while, but I kept putting it off.
Today was rough. Probably the main reason why I’m posting today. It was the weekly meeting for the team and I looked like a complete dumbass. The stuff I had been working on came off as irrelevent. I didn’t have any good justification for my designs or where I was taking them. I just made sad sheepish excuses that anyone with half a brain could see through. You could tell in my voice and in my manerisms […]
Finally. I did it. I finally did it. I finally ripped the band-aid off. I deleted her contact info and threw away that stupid stuffed bear. It took me being very drunk and a coin flip to do it, but I finally did it. I called her earlier. Straight to voice mail. She blocked me of course. But now I can finally move on. It hurt. It really did. Bitter sweet as hell, but I did it. When I sober up there’s nothing I can do about it. I memorized her […]
Lately I’ve been playing a dangerous game with my sleep. I pull late nighters to do stuff for the lab or cram for an exam. The thing is, I can’t do that anymore. Lack of sleep is one of the major triggers for a manic episode. Even on medication, I could still be susceptible to a hypomanic episode. So then I start checking certain things about myself whenver I do late nighters. Do I feel tired, how is my mood, are my thoughts skewing towards delusions. When I feel extremely tired and have the same low self-esteem and […]
Been putting off posting again. I do that a lot. I have a lot on my mind, but just never find the time to put write them down. Quit my deli job. Hated that fucking job. So god damn much. I was falling behind on school and so I put in my one week notice on Tuesday. My last day was slow. Practically dead. I think I used the slicer less than 5 times. The only thing was I had to train a new guy on how to close plus pick up the slack for […]
I’ve been putting this off. Like usual. I’ve been putting a lot off. School and lab assignments. Helping with that computer thing for my brother. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What to talk about. There really isn’t much. I’m just trying to take it day by day. Last Thursday I got absolutely shit faced. I avoided drinking for about three weeks. I had been drinking quite a bit and getting drunk was starting to get harder. I heard that if you take a break and come back, the […]
Well, the deed is done. My grandfather is “buried”. Not really buried actually. Apparently its a thing where a large marbel slab houses a bunch of caskets. Part of the slab is opened up and the coffin just slides right in. So theres this big strucutre that holds a bunch of dead bodies stacked on top of each other in like rows and columns. Very odd. He was put up on the highest row. They needed to have a little pneumatic lift raise the casket up and some dudes had to push him into the slot using […]
My Grandfather passed away yesterday. He was 87. That’s a pretty long life. I’m only 24. A little over a third of that. My dad told me yesterday. They were in the process of moving his body to the funeral home. Everyone was there for my Grandmother. I got a call from her. She didn’t seem too upset, but there was a little sadness in her voice. For some reason she was more concerned with how I was. Overall, I think I’m ok. Nobody was really suprised or overwealmingly distraught. His health […]
I am drunk. Again. I think from now on I will post while drunk. It’s the best way to empty out my head. I guess. What to talk about. I’m thinking what to write down now. Of course I’m thinking about her. I always think about her. I wish I didn’t. She’s gone. Why bother thinking about her. Yet I still do. Drunk or not. I’m tired thinking about her. When will I get over this? You know who I really want to think about? Mark. He deserves to […]
To preface, I am very drunk. Like really drunk. i wanted to be drunk when I posted again. I’ve been putting this off for more than a month. My head’s been leaking, but I kept putting it off. This summer has been ok. Nothing major happened. Just working at a grocery store. Nothing much else. But school is slowly coming. I don’t really think it has sunk in. Once it does, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a nervous wreck. But until then, I’ll keep on keeping on. My mother’s birthday was the 28th […]
The last couple of days have really not been the best. To start I haven’t been able to contribute properly to the lab project. Every single thing is screaming at me that I don’t belong there. That I don’t belong at that school. That I don’t belong at that lab. That I don’t belong at that team. I’m not an engineer. I have a degree for one, but I’m not an engineer. I don’t know what I’m doing, Every concept is so beyond me. I’ll never be smart enough or good enough to be a proper […]
So a couple of updates. My last couple of posts from about a month ago was me stressing over potentially failing out of grad school. So I finally get my grades and I was wrong. I passed. I have absolutely no idea why and it makes me a little scared to talk to the professor. I guess that will be a problem for another time. So now that I have decided to stay. I’m in Worcester for the summer now. I got a job at a grocery store for the deli section. I’m not very good […]
I was expecting the grade at 5 pm. As it was getting closer, I had a feeling that might not be the case. He probably even forgot I had directed research and did not submit a grade. I imagine administration will contact him about it. Now the only issue is I don’t know when this will happen. I think now that’s the worse part. I won’t know when the disappointment will occur. Most likely he will contact me and I will admit in shame that I have nothing to show. This whole thing has been bad top […]
Just about. I realize that the prof might not know to give me a grade. He might have to be reminded after adminstration notices he doesn’t send in a grade by the due date. Then he will remember and give me my failing grade. I’m only really writing now because it helps me calm down to a degree. These last few hours have felt like an eternity. Yesterday seem to have went by quick. Today it is slow. I went grocery shopping this morning. I also had to stop by the lab to scrap off […]
They drop at 5 pm tomorrow. At least they should. I was thinking about it, and it’s actually hope that makes it hurt. It’s the root cause for anxiety. If you know something bad is going to happen, when it will happen, and the consequences of it happening, you shouldn’t feel anxious. You should feel some sense of peace. You might feel sad about it. Depressed. But not anxious. Not that unique pit feeling in your stomach. And it’s all because of hope. Because I have this small hope that things will turn out […]
As I mentioned before, I think I fucked myself and got a failing grade on my directed research. I forgot/ignored it all semester so nothing got done. It didn’t help that my advisor was on sabbatical and didn’t really guide me much on what I was supposed to do. Although I can not blame him as it was on me to get things working. Now I wait for what I believe will be a failing grade. It drops Saturday. So somehow this waiting is worse than the past few weeks. I knew something was going to get me […]
Those feelings of dread, sadness, fear, self-hatred. The feeling of being worthless. The feeling of wanting to die. Then you come out of it. Just a bit. The feelings are still there, but they don’t ache as much. They become flat. Maybe you might even feel a little happy. A little carefree. They were real tough a few weeks ago. Then a felt a little lighter. Now I can feel it again. Slowly coming back. I haven’t been here on a small while. I want to comment more on people’s posts. […]
Every time there is a week where a bunch of crappy stuff is supposed to happen, I call it hell week. I have a presentation on Wednesday, I meet with company executives for five minutes on Thursday, and I have a couple of stuff due. When you look at it, it’s not a whole lot, but to me it sucks. I always have this feeling that something is going to get me, and I think this time it’s going to be one of these things. Things just suck. I hope they go well.
Don’t have a whole lot to say but felt like posting anyway. I went to a bar yesterday. A barcade to be specific. I love arcades, so I’m always happy to go to one. I drink occasionally but usually I don’t drink too much, mainly because of how expensive it is. I ended up drinking alot though last night. I blew 40 bucks on four whiskey sours. That feeling of inebriation was nice. I felt light and things didn’t seem so important. I felt at peace in a sense. Last night might have been the […]
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