Needed to take a moment. At work right now. It’s her birthday today. Said I’d call her after losing a bet with myself. Pretty sure it’s just an excuse. Still haven’t done it. Teetering back and forward. One part pulling me in one direction, another illogical part pulling me in another. Every rational part of my brain says not to. That it’d be pointless to try. Just re opening scars that haven’t fully closed yet. She’s gone. Got to accept that. The other part of me makes no sense. Part of […]
J Doe
Things have gotten better. My bad luck finally leveled out. I got my van back after 3 fucking weeks. I moved into my place. My dad went back home today. Things are stable enough to allow me to start buying parts for my PC again. Even though I failed my intern project, something was worked out to where now all I have to deliver is a report. Bores me to fucking tears, but I should still try to make it good. Kinda phoned it in last week and spun my wheels. Can’t afford to do that, […]
For the few comments I got on my last few posts, thank you. You guys did seem rather concerned and I am grateful. Maybe I have been over reacting a bit. I’m still going to work and lab, but I definitely feel the tug of suicide pulling me harder and harder. I’m still fighting, but I really don’t want to anymore.
My dad is here helping me move. I’ve treated him very poorly. I just can’t help it. Everything is setting me off. The whole situation. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. […]
Every single cell in my brain is telling me to kill myself. It’s over. It’s done. No more. Just can’t keep fighting. Tired and worn out and nothing goes right. The pain of all the screw ups and failures has dulled a bit, but they still persistent. Tried talking to a few friends and a suicide hotline, and even if it feels a little better, can’t help but feel like there’s no way beyond this. I know my problems aren’t as big as other people’s, but that empty feeling won’t go. I think in the back […]
My internship project is over. I took too long to design the thing and now lead times would take too long. My manager suggests that I just document what I have so that I can hand it off to the next intern or co-op. He seemed rather disappointed in the whole situation. I kept a straight face during it. My mentor on the other hand took a different approach. He thinks that there is still time with enough finagling with contractors and such. He’s setting himself up for disappointment. Both kept saying the same thing. That […]
Almost 6 weeks. More like 5 and a half. I’m finally starting to crack. Honestly I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. So I guess that’s something to be proud of. Nothing in my internship is going right. I want to start ordering parts so I can actually do stuff, but every time I show my final design there’s something wrong. Either I put to much focus on something I shouldn’t have or didn’t think something through. I’m told to just go and do it fast, but when I do I’m told that I […]
God’s a cocksucker and I’m glad his shitty kid got nailed to a piece of driftwood.
I hope this makes him angrier at me. I hope he tries to fuck me over more. Worst god damn day every. I go to work and make almost zero progress. I end work and immediately go to lab where I make almost zero progress. I go home and I’m tired and I just want to make some food and go to bed because I’m going to use the train tomorrow because I want to go to the arcade after work and get drunk. And I lose my fucking phone. From the walk to my car to my […]
Fourth week starts tomorrow. A quarter of the way through. I’m trying to figure out which strike I’m on. I feel like I haven’t hit 15 yet, but I think I’m pretty close. Too many screw ups, too many instances of embarrassing myself, too little thought into what I do. I feel like my mentor at this point has just given up on me. Everything I try to do, I mess up or don’t think through. So like I said I can’t go into specifics because I’m pretty sure corp Z is watching, but my job was to […]
Week 2 is over. Week 3 starts tomorrow. The second week was a tad bit rough. Kept making dumb mistakes and tripping over myself in front of my mentors and other engineers. Still trying to chip away at it. Still not entirely sure how this is going to end. Any of it. Been going to lab on Saturdays to try to chip away at the other stuff. Making a tiny bit of progress, but I want to be in there more to work on it. I can’t with my current commute. Get up at 5 […]
I had a very vivid dream this morning. I don’t remember too much now, but I remember it feeling very real at the time. For whatever reason, people from my lab or school or something were going to a fair. I don’t remember who, I just remember they were very familiar. However there was this one girl who I had never seen before. I don’t remember her face too well or how she sounded like, but it all felt very warm. In my head the name Auroran kept popping up, but I don’t think that’s a real name so […]
A lot on my mind. Trying to organize it all, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get out everything. I never really do. It was a brutal first week. But not in the way I expected. The commute is the worse by far. Get up at 5 get to the office at 8:15 leave at 5:15 and get home at 8. Going to rent a car for this week. It will cut that commute in half easy. The job itself was actually not too bad. Best one of these I’ve had so far. […]
School ended two weeks ago. Barely passed the one class I was in and didn’t hit my goals for my thesis. Fairly predictable outcome. I got to go home for a week which is nice. I always get short tempered when I’m around my family. I just got so used to being on my own that having to plan around other people gets annoying. I really shouldn’t be though. My parents were really happy to see me again. Been almost half a year since they did. Wish I wasn’t and can be happy around them, but […]
So presenting yesterday wasn’t too horrible. For one thing my advisor was busy so he didn’t show. The other labmates who were there didn’t seem as judgemental as I normally percieve them to be. They actually gave good feedback. Something even more unexcpected happened and my team members helped out when I had a hard time explaining my thought process. CLARA is my main project with it being the focus of my thesis, so the others only really offer input from time to time. Lizzard is where we all try to work on toghether, but that’s been kind of […]
So I updated my team mates and advisor that I didn’t hit my deadline. He didn’t say much but said that my design probably wouldn’t work. I’m not really sure what to expect anymore. It seems like every turn I make I end up just face planting. I never think things through. I wish I did but I never do. I really don’t know how this is supposed to end. Wish I did, but I don’t. Presenting on Tuesday. That’s going to be extra fucking painful. Don’t know why I bother. Recently I told […]
I think about this one line from Fioana and Cake alot about how life is a cycle of learning and unlearning and learning again. I don’t know why that just really stuck to me. I think I have regressed. I was in a place where I was somewhat efficient and felt like I was somewhat comfortable with everything. Now it feels hard to be in the same room as some of my labmates. Like I physically can’t stand it. I need to be alone in the lab. So instead I run away from my problems. Like my […]
I think after a while you start to recognize patterns in yourself. Ticks that you see in your own behaviour. So when bad things happen you are more aware of how you handle them. Thinking back to a year ago where I was doing everything in my power to avoid the lab and my teammates and how I was so sure that I would flunk out after my first semester. That same sort of detachment and flight instinct I seem to have at the end of every semester. But I feel like I’m rounding a curve where things are going […]
I can’t really make sense of my mind. It has bizarre quirks to it that make life so much harder to live. Obsessions that I can’t get over. Irational fears that hold me back. Nonsensical dreams and idiotic personality ticks that end up screwing me. I think the worst part of it is that I am at least somewhat aware of all this. Got little less than a month left. And my stupid fucking robot is still not done. I’m procrastinating even now. Man am I screwed. I can tell everyone thinks so to. […]
There’s a lot of sayings about how you don’t realize something’s bad until it’s too late. Like slowly boiling a frog or something. Or not realizing you might drown until the water reaches your knees. Things haven’t been so bad. I haven’t really felt it until this week. I thought I managed to get a hang of all this grad student stuff, but then I step back and look at it and the only thing that rings in my head is “you don’t belong here”. Over and over and over again. I know it. Everyone in the lab […]
Got through more than a 1/3 of Jameson but less than a half. Comfortably numb. Still haven’t talked to my friends. Don’t really plan to anytime soon. Just feel no reason to talk to them. Did 2 interviews for an internship for amazon. I think it went well. Got nothing to complain about. Except the sprain. Other than that, I’m all good. Still think about her. Wish I didn’t. Wonder when it will stop. Flipped to see if i should call her. Landed on heads of al things. Doesn’t mean […]
Went to the orthopedist today. Good news is whoever read my x-rays was wrong. I don’t have a fracture. Just a sprain. Pretty happy about that. Doesn’t change that my ankle hurts like hell, but I don’t need to be afraid of worsening a fracture in my foot. Things have been ok. Not horrible. Just ok. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I was doing great with only thinking about her sometimes. But I’ve had her on my mind a lot lately. Been bummed about that. Drinking right now. […]