J Doe

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I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing […]

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I think my issue is that I always feel like since I have a lot in my head, that I need to pour it all out here when I post. I think I just need to write the short thoughts I have for some posts. Lately I found that I’m trying to find meaning in every little thing so that I may have an answer on how it will go. Every small action, down to a coin flip, I try to find an answer in to my problems. I don’t think that’s how it works. Even though I did ask […]

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I keep on trying to write down my thoughts. I think that by writing them down and trying to piece them out, I’ll feel better. I know this isn’t the case. It’s almost time for me to go to school again. Every day closer just makes me more anxious. Will I be able to pass my graduate courses? Will I be useful in the lab I’m supposed to work at? Will the internship work out? If this and if that. On and on and on. It drives me nuts. The anxiety is like a […]

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It’s my birthday Sunday. I feel nothing about it. Maybe just shame that I’m getting to be this old but still haven’t managed to really grow up. Haven’t managed to accomplish anything. Yesterday I had a meeting with the fellowship organizers about the internship they are offering this summer. I’m scared as fuck about this internship. I don’t think I could do it. That I would just be a waste of an employee. That I wouldn’t be able to complete a project. Then I think about all the times I ran away from responsibility. Senior […]

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I’ve tried on and off again for the past few weeks or so to write a post. Every time I get to the new post screen, I end up exiting and just turning my laptop off. I have done fucking nothing this entire leave of absence and just waiting to get back to Worcester. I have one month left. This entire time I’ve been ping ponging between worrying about flunking out of my master’s program, getting kicked out of the lab I’m apart of, or being fired from an upcoming internship. If it’s not worrying about A it’s B, if […]

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I worry about a lot of things. Too many things. Since I’ve taken this leave of absence, I’ve done absolutely nothing. No job, no school work, no nothing. So I essentially lay about being useless. I’ve been going to therapy weekly, but that’s about it. I’m basically a bum living in my parent’s house. I could be volunteering or something, but I just don’t want to. Instead I want to lay around worrying about getting back to school. About being any good at school. At being any good at being a lab assistant. I’m […]

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So I decided that I would take a leave of absence from school. Just a semester. Was in the hospital for too long and missed too much. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I think I was also just so overwhelmed by everything at that school that I needed a speedy exit. Some excuse to leave and hide. That it was too hard and I was going to fail and so I needed to bail before that could happen. I don’t know. But anyways I took the leave of absence. All my classes were dropped […]

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I got out of the hospital yesterday. I was there for almost 2 weeks at that point. Most of it spent in the ICU. It was awful. Being hooked up to vital machines and IVs. Being told to eat shitty protein drinks and foods. Being woken up at night to take medication. I hated it it. 2 weeks of my life spent chained to a bed not being able to work. It made me anxious that I’m behind. I’m still anxious. I was already feeling bad about all this, but now I’m teetering back […]

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I’ve been in the ICU since Monday. The rash on my body has slowed, but I’m starting to bleed from my mouth and penis constantly. My lips scab over and fall off pretty much every day. I’m starting to have open wounds on my neck and scrotum. I feel so claustrophobic being hooked up to IVs and machines. I haven’t taken a shower and I smell like shit. I hate this. I can’t keep up with school and am already behind. I barely understand the assignments.

My mom brought up maybe taking a year off school […]

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I got a rash all over my body. My lips are swollen and they said I have lesions in my throat. My gums are sensitive and my eyes are red. Even when I’m not in a manic state, my BP is ruining my life. I feel nothing but pain all over. Horrible throbbing itching. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I hate this so much. It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this, but it ruined my life anyways.

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It’s like I’m experiencing a new one everyday. First it was muscle pains around my neck. Then the next day I woke up hot and with a headache. Now I woke up with a rash all over me. This is hell. It’s bad enough that I’m feeling down about this whole masters thing, but now my body is working against me too? Really. This hurts like a mother fucker. Everything is working against me. My illness, my medication, my mind. It’s like the world wants me to fail. Yet I’m still going today. […]

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I can feel this fog on me again. My father has finally left. My parents were adamant in following me to Massachusetts until I hit baseline. I had to convince me new psychiatrist to tell them they can leave now. Now that I’m alone, I can feel it. That brokenness that I felt back home. Back in my old apartments. When I would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I can feel it now. That sense of dread. The sense that I’m several layers out of my depth. The alarm bells ringing […]

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I can’t get it out of my head. I just can’t. The ER was hell. It was literal hell on earth. I thought I was going to be stuck there forever. Ever single bad thing reminds me of that place. It reminds me how awful it was. To be locked in a box. No sun, couldn’t see my own brother, I was screamed at and yelled at and wasn’t able to tell what the button was for. I wanted to leave. I wanted out. I hated it. I hated it. My mind […]

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I guess I’m going to posting here more often. This disease is so fresh and new to me that I just need time to reason it out. Even though everyone is being effected by this, my mind is more and more concerned for her. I’m sure that if she’s reading this, she is tired reading about herself. Maybe it makes her a little uncomfortable. Maybe a little guilty. I always want to reiterate that this is a me problem. It’s on me to just get over it. It’s on me to stop putting such a burden of […]

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Just tired. It feels good to be back. To baseline. To be sad and miserable. It feels good. My parents are giving me a hard time again. It feels natural. Calling me ungrateful and spoiled. It feels right. To be back here. To be low again. It’s my baseline. I’m going to be miserable and that’s just that. I’m crying again. Silently. I feel like I learned to do that when I was a kid and knowing that crying would piss my mom off. I think. Maybe that’s […]

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I was diagnosed about last Wednesday. I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. Except that I missed just being depressed. I got a scholarship to my first choice graduate school. Full ride. I was cautious about it. I was sure I would mess it up and end up having to pay the tuition. Then I went to Boston. It was great. Getting to see all the robotics company and a new city. Getting to meet people that had my same interest and that I could find that I could talk to. […]

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My dreams are becoming stranger and stranger. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m bored or because I’ve been off my medication for a while. I can barely remember what I was dreaming about earlier, but I could tell that even during the dream I was confused about what was going on. Something about changing times and places. Being in middle school and then in high school and then someone else and not myself. Just nonsense.

My brother is having girl problems. He just finished middle school. I’m not sure if I believe in god, but the times when […]

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The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.

Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover […]

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Wednesday is the final demo. It barely functions and things keep getting worse. It’s over. I guess all I can do is pray for mercy, but I think it’s time I face the consequences. I don’t know if I will graduate. I have to learn to accept what comes to me. I can see the disappointment in my other team mates. They are also sad. I get it. I have only myself to blame. I could have done more and been better. Oh well, I have to accept it. It’s hard, but I […]

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Fucking bastard. So this prick has been making excuses all god damn year long on way he can’t be around to help on the project. At this point, I’ve accepted that this project might be a bust. I might not graduate because of this shit, but at the end of the day, I simply didn’t do enough. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t control the effort other people put in, but I can control my own effort, and for a lot of it I just ran because I was afraid and a coward. I’ve accepted […]