The voices and Bree have been horrendous for the last 2 weeks. I haven’t been able to get out of bed until the afternoon the last few days because I literally just can’t face pretending nothing’s happening while I’m around family.
I’m exhausted tying to hide this from everyone. I can’t focus on a conversation for more than a few minutes because they’re so distracting. Bree doesn’t leave me alone of a night, so I’m not sleeping. Everything is shit.
My mum doesn’t notice, none of my family do. All my energy goes into making sure they think I’m okay so they don’t get uncomfortable knowing the voices are bad. I’m getting yelled at all day everyday because I don’t help it around the house.
I left a mug in the side for an hour and I basically got a lecture and screamed at about how useless I am. Whenever I say I forgot I just get yelled at more. But I honestly do forget. I’m too caught up with what the voices and Bree say that it distracts me from everything else.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I want to tell her how bad it’s getting but my mum seems insistent that she’s coming with me. I can’t speak about it when she’s around, and if I ask her to leave the room she annoys me afterwards until I tell her what I spoke about.
I don’t want to hide this anymore because I’m forcing myself to act okay when I just want everything to end. I’m sick of it all.
4 comments
I’m not a certified psychologist, but have some training in the field, and it sounds like you’re suffering from schizophrenia. If that is the case, I would highly recommend that you tell your psychiatrist about the voices and Bree. I know it’s tough but you’ll have to do it, even if your mother is present. There’s no shame in disclosing your problems to your family, and the psychiatrist will only be able to help you, if you give all the details to him/her.
My psychiatrist and family know i hear and see things, they’ve known for the last few years. I’m just hiding how bad I am lately. The only reason I don’t tell my family is because of how they react to it. Whenever they know I’m hearing things (I hear them constantly, but they don’t know that) they just say to ‘tell them to shut up’ or ‘ignore them’. Besides, telling them only makes it worse.
As for my psychiatrist, last time I told her she offered me medication but it caused the voices to tell me she’s trying to poison me (I still think that to a degree) so I refused it. My psychiatrist says she’s not too worried about it, but that’s only because I’ve said I don’t hear them as often as I really do and because I have told her I manage them on my own.
I’m sorry about your family’s reaction. There’s a great deal of misconception floating around schizophrenia, so their reaction isn’t all that shocking. I would really urge you to be honest with your psychiatrist, remember she’s there to help you. O and think of it this way. Those voices were telling you that she was trying to poison you, because they were afraid of the medicine. They were lying. The medication is one of the few things that will truly help you.
Don’t tell me they are so ignorant, if you tell them you have one of the most serious illnesses in the world that they will not try to help you or work with you. Then I would recommend some specialized groups where they will help you on more professional basis.
Medication definitely works. It has some side effects, but should stop these voices alltogether. Schizophrenia is serious thing, don’t try to hide it, it will not work.
On the good side, my friend was in really bad shape few years. He also did some drugs. Then he was in hospital for few moths and started new life in other city, now he said he is much better.