goodbye childhood room

hey.. i don’t feel very well.. i can’t call anybody at this hour.. i desperately need to self-harm..

i went to my parents’ house a few hours ago to watch a movie with my brother (who still lives there). then my mom came in and said they are going to sell the house soon and that we should go over our stuff and decide what we want to keep. it was talked about several times, but i didn’t expect it to happen that soon. it came as a surprise for both me and my brother.

after we finished watching the movie, it was three in the morning and he went to bed. i went over to my room and got some of my things on the bed. i looked around the room, took my time. i was in no hurry at such late hour. it was so damn quiet. i took some clothes, some old memorabilia like discs containing old photos. i gathered some of my paintings i’d like to keep but has yet to take everything. i wasn’t trying to pack everything right away. i think a part of me wanted to pack and get it over with to make it less painful. i just feel very sad leaving the room i grew up in, really leaving the room, and handing it over to some buyer’s kid. i left my parents’ house in january of 2015 and hasn’t come back to live there since (only for a month while i searched for a new flat). still, i came to visit and stored most of my stuff there. i don’t know how much stuff i will be able to store in my one bedroom flat.

although i had some very dark memories in that room, it was also my holy temple, my sanctuary, for most of my life. now i just feel.. lost. as if this room was the only proof i was once a child. once it will be gone so will my past. i laid on the bed and watched the view i knew so well from all the times i went to sleep there. then i got up and left.

i got in my car and put on the smiths, for i was very fond of them when i lived there, and still am. i didn’t head home right away. i drove slowly in the streets i used to walk in countless times with my headphones on, especially after my first mental breakdown. it was almost four years ago, and it was winter. i liked to go out before sunrise and witness the great miracle sun shining through the clouded sky. then i drove home, speeding, caring a little less for my life.

anyway, it took me an hour to write this and so i managed to keep myself from self-harming this time. it’s five in the morning, almost sunrise. think i’ll have a beer now. thanks for taking the time to read this.