i don’t know how much longer i can keep this up

hey sp, haven’t been here in a long while, mainly because i moved to a new flat with no internet, and only a couple days ago i managed to connect. anyway, things have been really bad for me the past four months, and continues to be. i got girlfriend problems, daddy issues, myself being a dad issues.. much pressure. as of april i moved alone because i needed a calm place to come back to after each day’s chaos. and i’m glad i moved. it’s a real help. but some other problems seem to float.

i don’t leave my flat much. i feel like i’m spiraling in the void. drowning in past life’s tragedies. i’m sad, i’m angry, but overall i’m lonely – because i don’t have anyone to talk to. i can’t talk to my girlfriend anymore, nor she to me, because we both get defensive at each other, although none of us attack the other. it’s fucked up. we both know we’re being defensive but it’s no use knowing. we act the same still. we’re very fragile. also my therapist have a hard time understanding what i’m going through, no matter how hard i try to explain this hell.

and that’s it. these are the people in my life. i’m not in touch with my parents by choice, and i try to keep in touch with my two brothers and hang with them from time to time, but they’re not as constant in my life as my girlfriend and therapist. and for the past four months, she doesn’t feel like my girlfriend. it feels like i’m dating a stranger. we’re not even dating, we’re just two people raising a baby. i feel like i lost the love of my life, the only person that ever cared about me. i mourn her.

i let the darkness consume me because it’s the only thing i have left. i don’t have anything to fight for anymore. some nights i’m very close to killing myself. if things won’t change soon, i don’t know how much longer i can keep this up.