Its really happening

So tomorrow I will get my jewelry back and the past five years of my life will be a waste .

I just don’t understand my ex could really do this to me like he has no feeling for me at all which I  know is a lie because he did/dose ..but he just keeps listing to his evil mother .

Now I’m sitting looking like an ungrateful piece of shit who just wants to be up my mother and fathers ass when all I wanted was to be married and left alone . to wake up in PJ’s and drink coffee to live a normal life with him and start a family I wanted twins boys . not be around his parents all day long . women never get along with there in laws ever but that’s life I was ok with that hell I was ok going back to place were all I wanted to do was  kill my self to be with him . 

He cheated to be honest I knew it was gonna happen one day I can let it go but. the feeling of when  some one you love knows how messed up you are and that I hurting my self just to deal being around his family . need me to show I care and love him I was going back to Tahoe .its your mother who pushed for the divorce not me, not him . but he listens to them they say she never loved you she never cared ,it was All forced . will always be  not true but I can’t win him he hated my family I don’t blame them my mother came by and I instally was mad . I can’t stand them I blame our family’s for breaking this marriage . I  blame his mom and sister the most  for being selfish and starting all this which forced my parents hand .

But I don’t want to be abused by them any more ….but what waits for me the same shit different people.

I want to cut myself first time I wanted to that since I been home . but I just wanted to be normal why it’s this happening .

I HATE THIS I just don’t know how he could not see how hurt I am/was how mach damge Both side  did to us . but instead put me out to burn.

I always Wonder if I was just an obsession of his like you or a car and I think am now more than anything but if you love you thing you make sure there taken care of. Right? If they get damage you get upset and fix it I was going back that means he dose not want to fix it . he will move on ….were will I be honestly ?

The words  from when we last spoke cut deeper than any blade I take to my wrist .there words make you feel like garbage ..and I know that is what he thinks because when they get mad they  speak the truth . and those words just go repeat over and over again .

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow .

I wish it was different ….