kupo95

I have a long string of failures following me. I should just turn that mother fucker into noose and just end it.

I can’t get over how I told my mother I was suicidal when the shit hit the fan and she like waved it off. Its been over a year since everything and she decided to bring it while I was in a good mood. Its like she only brought up to make sure she got something off her chest. Throwing blame and trying to become a victim of somthing. While I sat there saying yep I wanted kill myself to still kinda do. Depends in the day really.

She just condemed me and made fun and then end if story  no help . pretty sure I have severe depression and mental damage.   Only person I can blame is myself not for being strong .  for not being what my ex inlaws wanted for what my ex husband wanted, that made them all hate me. And allowing my self to break so easily .

I’m in a relationship now and how he likes me I don’t know why. I have failed him time after time and have not shown him he can trust me financially to be some one he can marry but he dose. I have no fucking idea why?

I’m just miserable. I don’t understand why I can’t change .

It has been a very long time since I posted in here.

But I really want to cut or hang myself right now , or get a belt and wrap it around my neck until I pass out .

Since I last post I have a wonderful loving boyfriend whos birthday is tomorrow. He his the the only reason why I have not or will off myself.

I have been living with my uncle and aunt for three months. I only came back in town because my boyfriend wanted me back in Chicago. I been home for maybe three weeks.

My mother lies about illnesses for attention and both of my parents are nuts. I been trying to go to work every day its like a life coach of sorts and been trying to make money for my boy friends birthday gift.

I think I only have parents that argues with me about trying to make money trying to pay my own bills.

For two weeks my parents have been fighting with me about it .

I have been killing myself with them all day.  I left my house multiple times and every time I walk back in they start a fight again.  My father keeps throwing my bofreinds name in my face like I have hidden agenda for trying to make money.  Like I’m not 22 year old woman with bills , yes I live with them but I racked up debt and I have a life.

My mother kept saying don’t push father he is gonna make you elope or Mary you off to some one eles.

My boyfriend would rather die then run away and elope . But when I asked why is dad bothering me . she said why has your boyfriend not come around . which has nothing to do with what I am talking about. What dose my boyfriend have to do with me going to work. Because my family made me unblaced with constant fighting . I have miss a lot days and have little to money to buy my boy friend a gift or take him out to dinner. My family have been fighting with me because I’m not investing all my time in to the weddings coming up .

I don’t understand it . I remember why I used to cut myself and lock myself in my room . they seemed happier when I was suicidal and watch then I am now .

So the walls that I build from the depression are not high. But, tall enough to shield me from it’s grasp. That I could get out of bed I can of some out look on life.

But  week before the last was hard and I was venting to a friend. This last week was hard but enjoyable .

But as I am enjoying my Tuesday evening waiting for my home made pot pie to cook. My mother comes home and tells me that she heard from my friend that I wanted to kill myself and I’m  depressed.

And you know what at that moment I didn’t want to die . I was kinda happy and giddy almost .

Then it went to fucking shit.

My mom goes on to tell me how I can’t trust anyone and how all the people my friend told are out to get Me.

And it took my mother one year to kill those words those words .

So I realized my friend was really just trying to help. But still I told her that in confidence and I was just having a bad day.

So I thought my mom would care about the fact I am not mentally stable. But instead she cared more what people would say .and it took her a year till kill what my ex’s was saying .

I have no one I can talk to….and when I feel like I made a mistake is one of the man reasons why I hurt myself . but no ducks were given .

I just have to pretend like everything is okay again.

What really is upsetting me is that I been talking to someone and I been afraid to like them or show then any emotions and what will happen when he sees my scars. Or if I ever tell him what really happen with my ex’s .

.I don’t I have nobody .

My mom told me today  to be nice to my friend and invite her over to hang out. Because she watched thirteen reasons and she is keeping in eye on her. She doesn’t want me to be in a tape lmao.

This was the most ironic thing I heard in awhile. She is keeping my friend in mind but here I am. Lmao

Oh well

I went a funeral today to a well know and loved woman . I am friend to many of here grandkids and children . I seen them cry and wrap and I cry a lil bit myself . not so much for this woman but for her family she held such a good place in so many people I know hearts . such kind story’s of her .

But I thought of. If I died or killed my self would I get a turn out like this . I thought no , not if I killed my self . but if I were just to die tragically or not it would be sad and it would have many people there for my family . but anyway it was a odd thought. I haven’t seen a dead body in awhile, the image is burn in my mind a little bit.

My great aunt might pass soon to then I can image the rest of them going my grandfather and the rest of his siblings .

I don’t know it’s weird and sad night .

I just what to die . nothing in my life can go right . just when I think I am happy a can see a life in front of me even if it just a few months in to the future. It is pulled right under my feet .

I did everything right for the past five years . I’m am rewarded with misery and miss placed trust. I was going back to nothing misery and heavily suicidal . and if he was to call me up and say no it’s not my girlfriend . I was going back while others in my own home was giving up after my family have them everything. While she unappreciated everything . still got everything While I just can’t find reason to live still because I can’t find a moment to breath because . I can’t just be happy every . why should this make me motivate me to keep.living honestly.

I’m weird because I used a word like acquaintance. I’m not nice because I Think a stranger asking how much money I made is offense full.

I’m a a weird because I speak proper English and I was educated. I’m a ***** because I don’t play dumb. I think to highly of myself if I don’t want raise onther woman kids. “I’m 22 years old get real that’s the only people out there .”

I’m stupid for thinking I would not have to pretend to get married . but I have to lie because I am weird and stupid.  Becuse I wolnt get married if I don’t change  .

I know Many, if not all of you guys on sp will not understand.  But just I don’t live in the same world as you guys. I was not born with that privlege of being free to say or be what I want . I hope you all can understand and respect that.

Why couldn’t i be like the other girls and be dumb and only like make up and men. My family putting me in school was a mistake it only destroyed me . my sibilings went to school but some how my sister was normal. I was not.

I hate the song from disney mulan because I realate to it on  Another level . but I don’t get a happy ending I’m belle never meeting beast . and live a provincial life with a narcissistic Gaston.

The beast and his castle dies.

The fact I use disney movies as refrence makes me a weird .

My sister said not very one is like my ex or his family . when you get married you live with family for however long you have to . …..but if all I wanted was my own life to start.

How is it any different?

But it’s not like I have choice anyway .

Why do I keep forgetting to wear my mask .

I have so much sadness in my heart ….and f. maybe anger too I don’t know why . this depression just will not leave my body . nothing in my life right now it so bad to wake up like this .

My eyes are hard and dull like the dead.

I hate looking at my reflection.

My father was ready to wip me today because I was taking to long to get out of bed and my family was going to church.

I see no reason, my life is sin no way around it .  I’m going to die go to hell and I am going to die alone .

I should make every one call me Silvia 2.0. Beacuse I’m end up like her fat and alone forever no kids no nothing .

I really just want to die .i should cut my leg up no one is going to see it .

The weather been like 70 degrees in Chicago in February. Wich is unheard of I thought I wouldn’t be  cold if I try to go die in the forest persevered.

It’s almost a year since I have been on this site .

I’m a worthless coward .

I will be 22 years old. I kinda do the same things as normal 22 year old. Besides being divorced and looking for future husband because I’m old .very soon all my siblings and friends will have kids …I will be lucky if I have some one I text.

I know I’m not gonna die soon . I’m not special in anyway, not gonna be special ever to say my life is worth somthing .

I posted I will just get married and have kids .every body said I don’t have some scared duty to wed and have kids.

I have no special qualitys no nothing . so if I’m not gonna die …..why not do the only thing I can do as a woman is have kids and family .

I can’t handle seeing my ex and his wife .

Some one told me once that God made Jesus with feelings and emotions. so who am I to repress those feelings and emotions.

Well I am defenlty not Jesus .

I have to hide so much feelings I have no hope in my heart. I have sadness not so much anger anymore.

I wish I were dead I would do it but I’m coward now that I found such easy method.

I am so fucking worthless.

I have to tell myself repress it .get married to anyone reproduce repeat this cycle with them it’s my job as woman on this earth born  the race I am .

Six litters .

My parents are killing each other because my little brother is being a prick.

9 days till my birthday I am alone 13 days till valentines day. to add to this day I already hated because of personal reasons. I will go threw being out of relation .

I always Got jealous of people killing them self on there birthdays . I’m a triplet so I don’t wanna ruin the day for them .

I was gonna argue with this girl who is spreading rumors on me . I think I rather not since I wanna kill myself who cares if I am snake in the grass, home wrecker and in a imaginative relation ship . let every one think that I don’t care any more . when I am really suicidal and alone .

Fuck life .

6 litters of water in thirty min

I have no idea why but after my ex eloped yesterday. My constant anxiety and self-loathing Suicidal Thoughts have been like cut down 90% .

My heart hurts a lil bit but I’m really fine that he got married to a garbage can of a girl . it hurts to say because she was once my friend but still.

Its weird today I really did not want to die . I was kinda happy, I think .

My ex eloped with a girl who wiped my trears about him . fuck this world

I have never been so excited for the new year yet so upset about it.

I for some reason have high expectations for this new year , but I also just like want to die as well ….Christmas ever I made 13 cuts into my thigh .

I can’t wait for the new year but I keep planing my death after the holidays . then I keep worring about the inconvenience it will be for my family for the rest of the year .

The guy I kind liked basicly came out and said he wants to marry my cousin went in my phone and got the number . but I can’t like anyone cuss I want to die .

I should not like this guy .

Becuae this last year we both got divorced . and I want to die and can’t seem to see my life moving foward .

He has already to be married by the end of next fall . to me it sounds like we’re oil and vinger .

No one can like or love someone like me I gave up along time ago.

I just want to slash my wrist wide open I’m cutting again but cutting my thighs don’t feel the same . I’m tired of waking feeling so useless and hopeless and wishing I were dead . I don’t hate my life style it’s not the worst …but I hate who I am I was a bad person to play the role that is kupo .

The only reason I got out of bed today was to cut myself . I wish I were dead .

Also any one that  physically drags there feet should be shot in the face with a shot gun .

(edit ,Never fucking mind  the fucking asshole I messed around with a few months ago with just called me up in front of my crush .I want to for he is going to tell him what I did . omg I am Really not allowed to be okay wow. I am so fucked he is gonna hate me why did I do that why . fuck just when I’m happy fuck this shut is why I’m gonna cut . fuck

Well the  last two days have been hell on earth for me . I am living with a girl I know since I have been 14 …she has a number of mental illnesses. She has no where to live and she was just realsed from the asylum a few weeks ago . so she staying with for the holidays .

But guys she is fucking crazy and annoying af. She never stops talking and she  eats us out of house and home the cars ,lights everything  . That we have to zip the the fridge and cubbured shut .

Last week she was so paranoid she almost killed me and I stayed up with her around the clock for three days . because she stopped taking her meds .all while im going threw my own issues and self hatred begging for med from my aunt because my nerves are shot .

Yesterday she spray painted the fridge and oiled the floor which I slippedand fell face first and almost in to the tree.

She just a big annoyance why she is living with us is because she really has no where to go. And we all feel bad because the asylum treats her like a dog in 95% sure they locked her in like a small room and beat her . because she always in the laundry room sleeping or freaking the fuck out .

But whatever  the good news is I was helping setting the table up for the holidays and I found out that my ex in-laws gave me back all my drawings and for some reason my family hid it from me .

But I don’t care it made the last two days of a nerveses breakdown worth it . I have something of the old me before marriage and boys and when I was okay .

Never been so happy to see a few book and a blue folder .

My god mother’s mom passed away .so I have to go to Florida for two days for the wake .

I don’t want to go at all, I hate Florida so much hate the people there I hate the smell of the air  .

I like my cousin and her baby but there weird and I might not see them .

But why I am really posting is because I am being forced to go to because ,”all the people who talked about you and said you are emo, you will show them your your perfect and happy”.

(Btw emo means suicidal and selfharm ) in a nice way tho .

All said by my mom because faking it is what matters a big show and smile . Sure mom there is no scars on my arms ,but the scabbing cluster of cuts on my thigh the size of a lemon . no knows about it except the random people on this forum but. But no big deal it’s the week I cut again I have to socialize ugh.

I’m pissed I have to go out and pretend I’m ok . it has been 6 or 7 months since I been home . not once did my parents ask if my brain is ok my mental health . granted there was a  tragedy the same two weeks my life that was already crumbling ,then suddenly burst into flame and ash .

I am not OK and I’m still alone .

Also it’s another power play , mom is making it so every body talks so good about me . so they talk to my ex in-laws who lives in the key west To hear . my mom thinks that will make them die inside.

as I’m writeting this  my dad tell why don’t you just get razor blade and end it . because I’m not super fucking duper  happy happy when they call my name .

I’m fucking hate my life so tired of pretending and I been doing a shit job that too like everything else in my life .I’m so fucking worthless .

Pretend your happy alright.