I don’t know why I feel the way I do, I read other people’s stories on here and I feel like my depression is unwarranted compared to others because my life is good on the whole; I have an amazing boyfriend who is so loving and supportive, we live in a great house that we’re renting, I’ve got great family and friends, I have a job I enjoy. In comparison to some of the stories I’ve seen that have led to people becoming depressed and suicidal, my life is pretty perfect but I feel like I’ve fallen in a huge hole and can’t get out.
I’m 23 (almost 24) and I’ve suffered from depression on and off since I was 15 along with self harm. This time seems much worse than I’ve ever been before. I saw my doctor almost 3 weeks ago and he’s represcribed me antidepressants and I’ve also been seeing someone for CBT. Nothing seems to be helping…I know I need to be patient, the tablets will only just be starting to kick in and I’ve only got my second CBT session tomorrow but I just can’t see that type of therapy working for me right now.
I can honestly say that I’ve never felt this suicidal in my life and I don’t actually think I could even go through with it but I just want the pain of feeling like this to stop. It’s like my brain is telling me constantly that I need to end it all…when I’m driving, I think about what it would be like to speed up and drive as fast as I can into the nearest wall, barrier or post, I’ve been cutting daily and I keep having dreams at night about what it would feel like to slit my wrists and watch the blood flow.
Although I am lucky to have a very supportive network around me, I find it so difficult to discuss how I’m feeling and my self harm with those closest to me. I see the effect and pain it causes them, I see in their faces that they don’t understand why anyone would want to carve up their skin. I don’t want to hurt them which is why I don’t think I could ever go through with suicide. I just don’t know how to stop the self harm, it’s like a craving and addiction…my veins literally burn until I do it and the release is one of the best feelings. Long term I know it doesn’t help, I feel guilty for hurting those that love me, I feel ugly when I look at the cuts and I know it’s not healthy. I know I need to stop, but how?
I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of posting here but I guess I’d just like an outlet and a place to talk to people that understand.
3 comments
The hole you are in is the worst hole ever. We understand this. It’s OK.
You are going to have to build rapport with your therapist. This takes time. You can push it, but it requires you to be brutal, vomiting up every fear, mistake, hatred, slight, frustration.
The pain those around you will experience when you go untreated, or, god forbid, kill yourself, is GREATER than the pain they will experience because you are upfront with what you are going through. Yes, it sucks that some don’t understand, but some will. Many won’t understand but they’ll still care.
I sense that you prohibit yourself from thinking certain thoughts and saying certain things and you can only bottle it up for so long until you relieve the pressure with cutting. I bet you even prohibit yourself from examining your prohibitions! But what do I know?
Continue to push on the rock. It will move eventually. Walk in the light.
The problem is we feel if we have everything then we should feel great. However, the issue lies within the person. You are missing something in your life an intrinsic factor that needs to be resolved. The picture isn’t always as good as it seems so you aren’t alone in that perspective. You mentioned that the pills and therapy aren’t working. Pills never work because the problem isn’t mental. Doctors think they can give you a pill and send you on your merry way. Pills actually have a side effect of suicidal thoughts, go figure. I’ve taken them an all they do is keep you in this false happy state. Most people who actually commit suicide do so because of something or someone they don’t have. A pill won’t change that. Also, feeling alone has a lot to do with it too seeing as you can’t talk to your family. Friendly advice would be to stop the meds and think back to the days you first started self harming and why you did that. The reason can be anything from not being happy with relationships, jobs, even body image. You need to find the problem and address it before it’s too late. GL
We have a similar story, I need help too