is almost 6am now, I haven’t slept…. about maybe 10-20 minutes ago my chances of a normal life probably just died…. I finally did it…. I cut my face, not just like one or two cuts like the last few times I tried this out, nope. This time I cut my face like I meant it like I really hate myself, made I think 6 cuts, a few of which are not really even cuts (super shallow) and a few decently deep, like they don’t look as deep as what I do on my arms, but I guess on face deep has a slightly different meaning…. I am certain at least two of these will form scars that are noticeable…. One of them felt close to going threw my cheek…. -_- I’m decently upset by this yet I find myself unable to cry…. I want to cry, I hate myself so much that I cut my face…. What the fuck is wrong with me? It stings so badly, more than any other cut I’ve ever had, why? What did I do? What am I going to tell people it’s not something I can just brush off as something else…. my father mentioned he wants to come home on saturday what do I do? I may have to kill myself. I don’t want to tell my father he will disown me, he’ll see how defective I am. even if I avoid him until they heal, I am certain some will scar, and even if they don’t I know I’ll make more, that’s why I did it this time I was upset about how last time all I got was a little scar that my facial hair hid…. -_- I also don’t see my counselor for 2 weeks, he just recommended switching to two weeks as I was improving he said. I feel I should probably call him and let him know that may not work, maybe tell him what happened…. But I don’t want to be locked up…. I feel like this looks so much worse than what it actually is…. I mean I didn’t hurt myself too much, but he doesn’t normally see most of what I do, just what is on my hands and that stays decently tame…. Grrrr like what the fuck…. I sort of want to break rules here and show you guys, as I’ll have to show somebody sometime, and I’d much rather show people here first…. but I don’t want to do that too 🙁 I’m a bit upset about this, I don’t want to go outside anymore now…. people will stare at me more than normal :/ maybe I should cover it? is having a face that’s all bandaged up worse than having fresh cuts visible? I don’t have anything that will cover it all very well though, face is a weird place…. I don’t want them to scar, but I did when I made them…. so in a way I’m hoping they don’t and in another way I’m hoping they do 🙁 I hate myself
Edit: well now after looking at them in the mirror for several minutes I decided that they may not make that noticeable of scars, as while one is a few inches long it’s rather thin…. meaning the scar can’t be that thick right? meaning not that easy to notice right? ^_^ I guess it’s a good thing I used an Xacto blade instead of a blade from a box knife, is a very thin blade, meaning thing tear 😀
14 comments
Please dont kill yourself because you made a mistake. You can use biooil or scar creams to lighten the scar. Come up with some shitty excuse and stick with it. You were climbing trees and fell down one and scratched your face up… Or you could even say someone else cut you.
If you bandage your face you wont have to come up with a crazy story to your dad. Just tell him it was an accident and keep them covered. Make sure you put polysporin on them for a fast heal.. Im sorry this happened. I wish i could be more help.
I did use a bit of polysporin already, bandaging could be hard, as they are decently spread out, is like most of my cheek 🙁 I think I’ll just avoid him, and I sadly can’t blame tree climbing as ATM, I am sick enough to make getting out of bed hard. I guess I could blame the cat, but I feel bad about that…. And thanks BTW, don’t worry you were plunty of help ^_^ gave me some ideas for maybe just saying I was mugged or something like that :/ or that maybe I had really kinky sex with my boyfriend…. That’d get me kicked out pre quickly LOL
Lmao yeah maybe keep the kinky sex excuse for your friends and not your dad..
I hope you figure it out though. Mugged may be a good one!
LOL it wouldn’t actually work with my friends….. since they know I don’t like sex.
An alternative to the cutting can be with a rubber band. Put a thick rubber band on your wrist and pull it back, the band snapping back with still give you the pain that the xacto knife gives w/o the scars left behind.
A metal fork works better than a band. Leaves a mark only for a few hours.
Meh I’ve never been a fan of this, it just doesn’t hurt. 🙁 I sort of like ice though.
Sometimes while you are in the middle of so much pain you don’t think about what you are doing it just becomes a natural response. Especially if you have cut before.
Honestly it was a mistake and it is okay. A lot of wounds heal faster than you would think by the first looks. This does not mean you are ruined forever. And you give people too much credit. Not everyone would stare and focus in on that. And so what if it does scar? You are going through a war with yourself. You are fighting and you are strong and ever scar can be a reminder of how you have fought through life. You are a survivor and no one else can take that away from you.
So please don’t say you want to kill yourself now and it is all over. It is not. It is a new battle and you can fight through this one too.
Stay strong and remember we are here.
Thanks ^_^ now I think I’m going to go wonder back off to be…. I’m tired 🙁
This may sound really fucked up but… I’ve always wanted to have a deep scar running through my cheek and forehead. I really think it looks lovely, but I think nobody else thinks like me. I really really want one, but I understand you cannot live a normal life after that. People think you’re part of a gang or are a criminal. And they just won’t stop staring!! >:c
What did it feel like? What did you feel while you were doing them? I’m really curious!
I can understand that, long scars running from forehead, over eye (going into the eyelid) and continuing down the cheek is very attractive…. and that’s a type of cut I would never do, can’t be going making scars that I find appealing -_- I want to hate them.
Ummmm onto the feels of this moment, like it hurts not that much though…. It feels a lot like cutting the palm of the hand (physically) sort of a sharp stinging kind of pain, and you can hear the tearing sound that it makes a bit better than on most places, that sort of is unsettling. Then after that they just burned a lot, more than any other cut I made, even the few small ones I’ve done on my face in the past. I felt a lot of emotions while making them, at first I was mostly just angry at myself and felt like nobody likes me and everybody will always hate me. After the first one I was pretty upset as it was deep, but not long enough…. it felt so much longer than it was (I’m not used to being able to use both hands to push the blade deeper in, so it felt like I pulled it much farther than only like an inch) so then I decided to find a mirror so I could see it, the second was decently deep and long, then after that things started hurting too much but I wanted to make more, so those are a bit more shallow…. I feel like it may have hurt more than normal because I have fairly bad acne right now (I always have to deal with that, and I just haven’t given a fuck for the past few weeks so have a pre bad outbreak…. I actually have scars from acne) as I did cut threw some of that…. But yeah it is something I wouldn’t recommend…. like I want to go get fastfood right now, but I’m afraid of going outside and showing everybody how fucked up I am…. 🙁 but I guess I could just keep half my face sort of covered.
My heart goes out for you. I know life sucks sometimes but don’t make it any harder for yourself.
You could say you got into a fight. They should check out the other person!!
well, except all of the cuts are in nice little parallel lines :/ people didn’t believe the fight story with my arms (where things are not in nice parallel lines) so I doubt that would work…. I’m probably just going to refuse to acknowledge them…. example: person-“What’s wrong with your face?” me-“wow I’m not that ugly, fuck you ^_^” that’s kind of my motto in life…. say “fuck you” and smile….
But thanks, and sorry about shooting down your fight idea…. I just don’t feel like it’s a good idea…. I mostly just want to hide until they mostly go away.