Is cutting actually that bad? I keep asking myself that now, I’m probably just trying to justify going back to it. But is it really that horrible of a thing that I’ve done? It allowed me to keep pushing through things, and I’m sure I would have had less of a mental breakdown if I had just allowed myself to cut when I needed to. I don’t know. Like I already have the scars that are ruining my life, so is there really a downside for me anymore? Do I really have anything left to lose?
and I fail again…. I’m used to it though, I am a failure…. I’ve even have a scar that reminds me of it everyday, ‘failure’ I know I am a failure and I can’t stop…. Whatever, no food for me today, I’ve decided that now…. It doesn’t matter that I’m really hungry since I didn’t really eat yesterday I don’t deserve any today, I fucked up what I was going to eat and made it inedible so I clearly wasn’t very hungry. I’m going to drug myself up and try to sleep now, hopefully I can sleep for a full day so I can finally eat.
I hate myself, and I seem to hate other people more and more now…. I was very pissy with my father yesterday (well two days ago now but since I slept like 20 hours after that it feels like yesterday still) -_-
I don’t really have much else to say, I want to say more but I can’t think of things…. Things are bothering me but I can’t put them in words, which bothers me. I hate me.
Welp, I’m spending a lot of money now…. More than I should, I don’t even make money either -_-
I should just curl up and die, I don’t really have anybody to even spend time with anymore….
I just kind of sit alone at home all day, and sometimes buy things and try to convince myself that they may give me a thing to do with other people one day. I know that’s not true. And I did cut again last month, I think I’ve already mentioned that here though -_- I have been tempted to cut again I know it would help but I also know that I shouldn’t.
Speaking to you made me smile
With a joy so juvenile
Each sentence would make me laugh
I would cherish every paragraph
Even though we lived so far apart
You had a tight grip upon my heart
But now that it’s time for us to depart
Is when my pain truly will start
Hello, I’m the one who’s lost their smile
It’s been gone for quite awhile
Driven off by arguments and harsh words
It’s now gone, exactly what I deserve
I couldn’t sleep last night so I wrote a thing to try to help with that…. I hate it and it sucks. Yet I feel like sharing it because I should…. I haven’t shared a shitty poem thing for awhile.
They are growing more and more distant.
I’m as alone as I used to be, but I feel more alone now. Having had close friends has made it hard for me to be alone now.
I also drove my family away from me with a large freak out. I skipped a thing with them recently, I don’t want to be around them.
I should kill myself. I deserve it, people would be happier. I just worry that my cat won’t be okay.
I was so very close to being happy.
I’ve been thinking about this more than usual as of late…. I have a fairly large (several years) gap in my memory where I don’t remember anything from that time. I remember a lot on both sides of the gap, so I know it doesn’t just come down to being too long ago to remember, also the gap always existed, I remembering being bothered by it suddenly. I remember going to school one day, and I mostly just knew who my teacher was, I did not recall any of the people who were apparently my friends, and since that time I “remembered” other things in that period, but I hate that I will never know if those memories are real or not.
It bothers me, knowing that I have this, really it feels like I wasn’t even alive during the time. Felt like going to sleep then waking up suddenly 3-4ish years later, except I knew I hadn’t been sleeping the entire time, and I knew what year it was and even what day it was…. I just could not remember anything about the day before, or even from any recent time. It was jarring once I realized it, which took awhile.
I sometimes do worry that this might happen again, and I’ll come back into being in like prison for the rest of my life or something else horrible.
I just ruined it, I hate me, I hate me, and I hate me….
I ruined it then decided to try to save it by sharing things about myself with them that I didn’t want to…. Now I’m fucked, I have to distance myself from them now.
Good job moron, you burnt that bridge.
I also ruined my no cutting streak, couldn’t even make it to a year. Not even a fucking year, almost would have been there in August but not now, no now it’s whatever month this is, May I think…. Yeah it’s May, mother’s day even…. I just ruined it, and my friend was so happy that I was almost to a year, he’s going to be mad.
I wish I was dead.
I suck and should quit.
And I’m feeling lonelier than ever.
I’ve told them that I was done with it, and I should be. I ruin everybody else’s fun, but I’m also really sad about this as I know it’ll lead to spending less time with people as our common interest is now gone.
Am I just being selfish by not wanting to give this up? I know it’s better for the other people to be without me.
Although at this point I don’t have a choice I have already said that this was happening, so now it has to happen.
I’ve pushed them away….
Why do I keep doing this?
I think I’ve finally been able to push them away.
I deserve this.
I wish I knew more words, except I’m too much of a lazy fuck to do anything about that.
I could just start skimming dictionaries, or thesauruses, or even just reading a lot more books in general…. But again I am a lazy fuck.
I just kind of wanted to post something I guess, I almost cut again today, but happily I didn’t. (I almost did a bunch of other very stupid things to hurt myself too)
It would be nice.
I need to really start fixing this problem…. I think I’ve figured out a way, I’ll I’ll just do 1-2 hours daily until it’s clean…. but only on days where I has no plans. Wait no that’s not good because I’ll use that as an excuse not to do anything. I want to die.
I’m going to start punishing myself each day that I don’t do any cleaning though, no food on those days, I’ll find a heavier punishment if that one doesn’t work.
There’s mice and they’re probably making me sick, and I’m always sick, and everything is a mess and it’s horrible
I wish I was never born.
things are not right, and I know it
The trucks are seeming a lot more appealing as of late when I drive…. I could just swerve into one and I could be fatally wounded, or at least horribly injured maybe life altering injury…. Either way is progress, but I’m a coward, just have to wait to see how much longer I can resist this urge, I’ve never had this impulsive of a feeling before but it started about a month ago…. I did come closer than planned a bit ago when I found myself wondering about it and well kind of stopped paying attention to doing the entire driving thing, I probably shouldn’t be driving, but also I need to. -_-
On the other notes of the day, uhhhhh I have fairly constant bodily pain, mostly in my chest and abdomen I have a bad feeling it could be related to how much I’ve been under eating this year, last week I went like 3 days with maybe 800 calories (I think I ate something during that 3 day period at least, it was hard for me to even remember during those three days since most of that time was spent sleeping) and then this week well last week I guess but I missed a day of eating there too, and for the most part it’s been only fast food that I’ve survived off of for the past 2ish weeks, it was all going really well before then I planned to stop wasting money on fast food, but I guess eating something is better than nothing, but for the most part I’ve been surviving on about 1,000 calories per day on the days I have been eating, I know I should eat more, just food is really unappealing but I would probably feel better.
also my house is a messy pile of shit, so I can relate to it at least. A shit hole for a shit person to live in, that’s likely not working either…. I guess at least I’m probably slowly killing myself, in case I don’t work up the nerve to ever violently kill myself….
I’m still heavily considering starting drugs, maybe if I got addicted to something I could be convinced to work a normal shitty job like normal shitty people such as myself should, instead of getting overwhelmed by full time and not being able to find anybody willing to give me part time work, which fuck them I only need part time work to have enough money to buy food for myself without having to stress about the fact that I’m down to maybe just a year left of money…. probably even less, $3,000 doesn’t really get you that far honestly, but I have no other expenses, and really $100 per month could feed me and keep me happy, and another $20 could cover gas costs since I really don’t go places too often…. But if I work full time suddenly I freak out and start cutting myself again and that goes horribly of course once the cuts move to places that I can’t hide, and it’s hard for them not to since that’s where I start now, my arms have grown numb it just doesn’t do anything to cut into my arms, and I hate the sensation of cutting my legs and my body for some reason, it just makes me squirm instead of calm down and relax, so I now jump either directly to my face or my hands, I guess I can do biceps but they are awkward to get to, and also for some reason are not that satisfying for me, honestly face is the most appealing place now for me because it’s what hurts me most which is what I want…. I know that I deserve facial scars, but I’m too much of a little ***** to cut myself deep enough to leave horrible facial scars, instead I just have these tiny barely noticeable things, I deserve worse something that will actually ruin any chance of a life I may have.
Wow that spiraled out of control very quickly, I guess that happens with me though…. But life is shit and I hope I’m actually dying and that this physical pain I’m experiencing is actually me dying from malnutrition or something…. Although thinking about it it is hard to breath and my heart races and stuff randomly, so it could just actually be anxiety and I have been quite stressed about everything since like august or something like that, so yeah I guess really it could just be stress and anxiety causing physical pain and stuff too, which can happen…. I guess with any luck I just have a heart attack and die, which I guess is possible at almost 25, my health is shit and I’m doing it again fuck you Shattered nobody likes you and you’re going to die alone and be ate by your cat. Shut up.
I can’t even identify why either…. I just feel worse than ever lately, I can’t even write or do anything that I used to even like.
I find myself wondering if I should drink or start experimenting with drugs or anything. It might help, what I’m doing now won’t work…. And I’m lazy so I can’t ever do anything productive.
I’ve been sleeping a lot and crying a lot. My dreams have been horrid too, I wish I could gain the mental fortitude to just swallow my razor whenever I chew on it…. Or maybe if I’m lucky it’ll just accidentally happen…. But I know that’ll never happen I’m a tiny little *****.
I’m also lonely for some reason too, I have friends still but I just feel like I’m becoming more distant with them and soon it’ll turn into just speaking to them once per week, then once every other week, then maybe monthly, then eventually just never. It’s just how things go.
That I was smart enough to buy a package of razors when I did christmas shopping…. Now I’m trapped in my home and did have to miss a family thing and and now I can’t see a person who I don’t get to see much. They are rather disappointed too, but I’m trapped in this house now without the ability to go anywhere. It’s bad that I had a really great dream earlier today where I drove down to the store and bought food. at least I have these, they can make the days pass easier I guess.
I guess happiness costs only 67 cents.
I hate them…. I have gift things to still wrap, and of course I’m not prepared…. I have only a few hours….
at least I has some things to distract me and make me feel better…. I did actually do a thingy a bit ago, it was kind of hard but fun…. I was shaking so hard that day for a bit. Maybe I should go out more? -_- I need to write more, I need to do more things, well anything something at least one something.
I’m sorry I’m just losing my mind not even slowly.
I hope everybody else is doing better.