And now I’m back into that stupid feeling of needing more scars. I know it makes no sense, and I know I’m doing fairly well with not cutting even if my last cut just now healed but it’s better than before, but worse than after that but before now…. I’m just starting to feel like I don’t have enough scars, and don’t have severe enough looking scars, I know that’s probably not true but I still feel that way. I hate this, I’m probably going to fall back in eventually. I’ve also been sleeping a lot lately, haven’t slept today and I’m tired but for the past 2ish months it’s been over 10 hours per day, some days closer to 16, my cat has been sleeping less than me sometimes…. She seems worried about me too, and has tried to get me out of bed a few times. I feel horrible but there’s nothing I can do about it…. I’m eating less because my money is running out, and I dread going back to trying to find work again, nothing about that process is okay…. It’s just going to be a lot of being told that I’m a freak that nobody wants, then finding a place to work that will mistreat me and over schedule me and I can’t handle that, but I’ll need to again, for at least 2-3 months, that will get me enough money for a couple more years if I am careful, but knowing me I’ll try to convince myself that I want to stay with the job, and get that weird feeling that somebody actually cares about me and not want to disappoint them, and end up spending most of the money I make as soon as I make it on food to try to make myself feel better so I will keep showing up to work just to please other people. I hate it, I just wish I would actually put effort into something else to try to attain money, something that I enjoy the process of that makes less but would make enough to exist off of…. But I’m horrified of failure, so I won’t…. I know I would fail too, I fail at everything I do. I have evidence to prove that I am a failure. Oh yeah, and proper full on dysphoria too…. at least I think it’s dysphoria, I’m not sure…. I feel like it might not be, but it also might be, I have no idea what dysphoria is supposed to feel like…. But it’s me just constantly thinking about how if I wasn’t born the horrible way I was how I might have a happy life right now. It’s bullshit that I lost the coinflip…. so maybe it’s dysphoria I don’t know it’s distress about gender identity issues, but I don’t think I even have a strong gender identity, I don’t like masculine pronouns they feel uncomfortable, yet feminine ones feel dishonest…. I choose not to make a big deal of it because it shouldn’t be, it really shouldn’t be…. The words people use to talk about me shouldn’t bother me but they do, they mock me, always…. Even the neutral “they” bothers me, it feels more accurate yes, but it also makes me feel alienated. I hate this, and it seems like it shouldn’t be difficult, it’s not for most people…. and I don’t even think I’m trans, because trans people I meet always talk about how certain of their gender identity they were from a young age, but I’ve never been certain of that…. Just always felt off, and that life would be better otherwise, but is that just due to some sort of feeling that it’s not optimal and doesn’t match up to what I want out of life? Or is it something else? I really don’t know, I just know that it bothers me and I hate it…. I don’t know why this is even something I am thinking about so much now either, I’ve been able to push it out of my mind for a few years now, and have been okay enough…. Haven’t been dwelling on it, at least…. I know I can’t possibly try anything out either though, I know I can’t I’d be disowned and I do still depend on my parent, even though I’m almost 30 now which is pathetic…. I’ll never be my own person, even after my parent dies, they’ll be the only reason why I’ll even be able to continue to live my pathetic pointless life. I hate that I know I’ll have the opportunity to be okay when they die though, I don’t deserve it.
Things are going okay, yet I’m still not okay…. Sleeping 12 hours per day now, not really doing much, barely eating…. I should find a life. I’ve done some hobby things but those are of course mediocre at best.
welp, cut again…. I would argue that it doesn’t count because it’s not deep but I’m bleeding…. these flimsy knives are surprisingly not good at cutting me at least…. I hate myself for this 🙁 it itches so much, so much more than usual I hope I don’t get something horrible they werenn’t new blades and have been used for things -_-
I hate life. All I do is wait to die, which I hope happens soon…. I at least got a hobby but me being me it’s not fun nor enjoyable, so I scream at myself constantly about failure related to it…. That’s about as much as I can ever enjoy anything. It has led to me getting so many more sharp things though, and I haven’t cut yet, so I guess that’s good…. I wish I didn’t suck though.
I am not okay, I spend way too much time crying…. I hate this.
I wanted to be happy, so I wasted money…. The thing was lost before I could even enjoy the thing…. It was a consumable thing, but it fell and that’s $10 gone, with no value to be gained…. I now feel worse than I was feeling earlier today, which wouldn’t even let me sleep, this could have helped instead it hurt. I cut again because of it, I can’t have sharp things, but I need these hobby knives because they are another thing that I’ve tried to help me feel better…. and I guess they did help me just not in the intended way. It’s pathetic how $10 wasted crushes me like this. It’s pathetic how $10 is 1/3 of my monthly income…. It’s pathetic that a special treat for me is $10. I’m pathetic, I wish I could work a normal job and be happy, my life would be so much better. I wish I could be happy. I’m going to try to eat because I bought $3 of things to try to replace it, but it’s not the same and I even let it get cold, I’m going to hate it. I hope I choke.
I have been sleeping far too much and eating not nearly enough. I have just sort of been existing, that’s about all. Eating maybe one small meal per day, with enough time before the last one that I can’t feel hungry. I can’t really see a point in this. Why do I even continue to live? My life will be wasted. I worry about my future but why? Just so I can tolerate 50 or so more years of this? I really should start doing drugs, but I know I don’t have the money for that…. I would miss them, and then I’d just end up even worse off. So I can’t. I’ve been cutting again a bit more in the past months too, I feel horrible about it because I had almost quit. It helps though. There really isn’t much downside to it anymore, I already am hideous and will have to keep most of myself covered up forever anyway, so adding more scars won’t do anything really. Also dysphoria has been so much worse than usual too.
I keep spending more money on things that I can’t eat, I keep telling myself I’m going to use them, but it’s now getting overwhelming the number of things I have to do due to this…. Argh I used to enjoy this hobby and I thought just buying lots and having goals to move towards would make this easier but I don’t even want to start because I’m shit, and I know I’m going to continue to be shit unless I start actually doing things but I am paralyzed by being shit…. I hate that, but I should just start daily I enjoy the thing, and I should try to not give much thought to how the thing comes out, it’s fine if it is shit…. You have to fail to improve I know this better than most people do, but it’s still hard to not be discouraged, still really hard horribly hard, especially when I know I’ll never be good at the thing. There’s so many things that I can do well, but nothing I do great. I have never mastered any skill in my life, I’ve only ever become competent. I hate that I just can’t stick with things long enough to actually progress past competence. There’s very few things that people would even start to say I’m good at, and that’s only because they expect very little from me…. I just wish somebody would tell me “that’s good.” without the condition at the end like “that’s good for being something you’ve done.” argh
I just argh, I want to scream but I’m too stupid to scream.
I haven’t even really done anything that I enjoy for a very long time. I don’t really want to do them, and when I do it’s just not enjoyable at all. I hate this, yesterday I fucked up a thing super bad and want to die even more now, I hate this. My friend is going to be mad at me in August, or I’m going to lie to him and feel horrible about it but he won’t be mad, I guess I should go with the second option. I keep buying things that I’m never going to have the energy to actually ever use. I keep wasting money on fast food because I don’t have the energy to really cook. I have agreed that once I’m out of money in my savings…. at this pace I have maybe 3 years.
Is cutting actually that bad? I keep asking myself that now, I’m probably just trying to justify going back to it. But is it really that horrible of a thing that I’ve done? It allowed me to keep pushing through things, and I’m sure I would have had less of a mental breakdown if I had just allowed myself to cut when I needed to. I don’t know. Like I already have the scars that are ruining my life, so is there really a downside for me anymore? Do I really have anything left to lose?
and I fail again…. I’m used to it though, I am a failure…. I’ve even have a scar that reminds me of it everyday, ‘failure’ I know I am a failure and I can’t stop…. Whatever, no food for me today, I’ve decided that now…. It doesn’t matter that I’m really hungry since I didn’t really eat yesterday I don’t deserve any today, I fucked up what I was going to eat and made it inedible so I clearly wasn’t very hungry. I’m going to drug myself up and try to sleep now, hopefully I can sleep for a full day so I can finally eat.
I hate myself, and I seem to hate other people more and more now…. I was very pissy with my father yesterday (well two days ago now but since I slept like 20 hours after that it feels like yesterday still) -_-
I don’t really have much else to say, I want to say more but I can’t think of things…. Things are bothering me but I can’t put them in words, which bothers me. I hate me.
Welp, I’m spending a lot of money now…. More than I should, I don’t even make money either -_-
I should just curl up and die, I don’t really have anybody to even spend time with anymore….
I just kind of sit alone at home all day, and sometimes buy things and try to convince myself that they may give me a thing to do with other people one day. I know that’s not true. And I did cut again last month, I think I’ve already mentioned that here though -_- I have been tempted to cut again I know it would help but I also know that I shouldn’t.
Speaking to you made me smile
With a joy so juvenile
Each sentence would make me laugh
I would cherish every paragraph
Even though we lived so far apart
You had a tight grip upon my heart
But now that it’s time for us to depart
Is when my pain truly will start
Hello, I’m the one who’s lost their smile
It’s been gone for quite awhile
Driven off by arguments and harsh words
It’s now gone, exactly what I deserve
I couldn’t sleep last night so I wrote a thing to try to help with that…. I hate it and it sucks. Yet I feel like sharing it because I should…. I haven’t shared a shitty poem thing for awhile.
They are growing more and more distant.
I’m as alone as I used to be, but I feel more alone now. Having had close friends has made it hard for me to be alone now.
I also drove my family away from me with a large freak out. I skipped a thing with them recently, I don’t want to be around them.
I should kill myself. I deserve it, people would be happier. I just worry that my cat won’t be okay.
I was so very close to being happy.
I’ve been thinking about this more than usual as of late…. I have a fairly large (several years) gap in my memory where I don’t remember anything from that time. I remember a lot on both sides of the gap, so I know it doesn’t just come down to being too long ago to remember, also the gap always existed, I remembering being bothered by it suddenly. I remember going to school one day, and I mostly just knew who my teacher was, I did not recall any of the people who were apparently my friends, and since that time I “remembered” other things in that period, but I hate that I will never know if those memories are real or not.
It bothers me, knowing that I have this, really it feels like I wasn’t even alive during the time. Felt like going to sleep then waking up suddenly 3-4ish years later, except I knew I hadn’t been sleeping the entire time, and I knew what year it was and even what day it was…. I just could not remember anything about the day before, or even from any recent time. It was jarring once I realized it, which took awhile.
I sometimes do worry that this might happen again, and I’ll come back into being in like prison for the rest of my life or something else horrible.
I just ruined it, I hate me, I hate me, and I hate me….
I ruined it then decided to try to save it by sharing things about myself with them that I didn’t want to…. Now I’m fucked, I have to distance myself from them now.
Good job moron, you burnt that bridge.
I also ruined my no cutting streak, couldn’t even make it to a year. Not even a fucking year, almost would have been there in August but not now, no now it’s whatever month this is, May I think…. Yeah it’s May, mother’s day even…. I just ruined it, and my friend was so happy that I was almost to a year, he’s going to be mad.
I wish I was dead.
I suck and should quit.
And I’m feeling lonelier than ever.
I’ve told them that I was done with it, and I should be. I ruin everybody else’s fun, but I’m also really sad about this as I know it’ll lead to spending less time with people as our common interest is now gone.
Am I just being selfish by not wanting to give this up? I know it’s better for the other people to be without me.
Although at this point I don’t have a choice I have already said that this was happening, so now it has to happen.
I’ve pushed them away….
Why do I keep doing this?