So today I went to my sisters, was a birthday…. I as usual was the last to leave (I generally can’t build up the courage to tell them I want to leave so I just sort of stay until they mention it) the event was enjoyable, I like seeing my (much) older sister…. it became very uncomfortable near the end though…. My sister was questioning my living arrangement and was concerned that I get so very little money per week from my father and basically live alone…. She was concerned about how little food I had, which I feel that I had enough of, I live fairly cheaply…. So she sent me home with like 8 pounds of food, which I feel like I may not really eat…. Now I have so much food that it’s going to feel overwhelming when I go to find food and I won’t be able to decide what to eat and it’s all going to go bad 🙁 then I’ll feel really bad, I hate wasting things, is generally when I hurt myself the most when I waste food or break something. Also she gave me $100 which I’m not comfortable with, and she was all like “don’t make this weird” but she already made it weird…. I hate accepting gifts of anything, especially money especially in large sums. Like what the fuck? She said that I need a bit of money for emergencies so I won’t get stuck with only like $10 or less to buy gas, or not have money and need something…. which honestly does happen a lot…. but I don’t want it though…. I just feel bad now, I feel like I scammed them out of food and money, I don’t deserve this…. I really want to cut my fucking skin open right now, I’m probably going to…. I hate myself more than usual, this is worse than my birthday was…. And her and her husband explained that they want to help me out because family helps each other out, but I can’t help them…. I’ll never be able to help them, I’m not going anywhere…. She said that I’m on the right track and everything and am “good” but I’m not…. I just don’t understand why they don’t see this…. why don’t they hate me? Why do I fucking take advantage of people? Why didn’t I just realize that I should have lied and said that my father generally gives me more money every week than what he does, and that I had more food than what I did…. Why am I stupid? And I didn’t even buy my nephew a very good gift, I spent like $2 for his gift, I wish I would have had more to have gotten him something nice….. and I’m not even getting my niece something really, for her birthday tomorrow…. oh yeah I have to go back tomorrow, and she said she was going to send more food with me then…. I’m thinking about just never going back and hiding from her, but she knows where I live…. and she’ll then think that I was only taking advantage of her and that I had gotten what I wanted and was leaving, so I have to go…. I hate myself, I deserve to cut myself…. I need to cut myself, I can’t not get away with this without paying for it…. Maybe I should burn myself on the stove…. Maybe I should just swallow my bottle of Zoloft (which I’m not taking anyway) and see what happens…. I don’t know, this is a horrible day. I’m a terrible person. Like what kind of person goes to somebodies birthday and walks away with more than they brought the person? what the fuck is wrong with me?
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You are fortunate to have a loving sister. I suggest you get some counseling about why you feel so bad about accepting help.
I would say it’s a matter of self-worth. Not everyone is suited to succeeding financially in this society. Perhaps find a way to open yourself to the awareness of the gifts you do have. They might not be obvious. They might take time to find.
In the meantime, do you love your sister or resent her? Perhaps address that issue.
Every person has some gift to give to others, not necessarily money or fancy items, perhaps something even more beautiful, like love.
Please seek to find your gifts and share them, just like your sister has shared with you.
I am getting counseling, and I know this is going to come up when he asks why I hurt myself…. And I don’t dislike my sister…. I like her, but I don’t really know if I could say I love her, or anybody that’s a thing I’ve never felt. -_- I don’t really have any useful things though that I can share with her…. Like the only thing I have is that I’m stupidly good at card games. :/
Naw, you aren’t stupid. You’re struggling, just like us. Keep your head up. We’re here for you. I know it may not be much…fuck it, I don’t see it…but it matters. YOU matter.
thanks :/
Allowing others to help you, regardless of how worthless you feel, is part of being an adult.
If you sister had little food and you had alot, would you share it with her? Would you think she was useless and weak because she needed help?
yeah I guess that I would…. But that probably will never happen -_-
you don’t understand they feel good when they helped you, let them feel good, later you will do the same with them or someone else, people need to help and in order to do that their to be someone that needs help, so you made someones day.
i’m thinking of putting my face on a can and putting in a few stores hoping for donations. 🙂
Meh maybe they feel good about it, but I still feel like I am taking advantage of them or something like that…. I don’t really feel I need help, I was doing mostly just fine…. I’m now sort of worried as I now feel like I have to eat all this food, but I don’t really like to eat 🙁