Falling Down

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I’m harming somebody or fucking up this or fucking up that. I’ve been down this road before. spiraled into the self hate and the self loathing of the “why can’t I be a good person” nature. Heralding from a poorer family we couldn’t afford to help me even after I attempted to take my own life. Naturally, I fucked that up too. Too chicken shit to jump into the train. Broke into self harm instead. Now for some reason, just as I picked up the shattered glass of my life after that night in November and the school councilor gave up on me and told me about how wanting to kill myself was noble, 7 months detached from the self hatred, I’m hearing the music again. Constant nervousness. Feelings like I’ve ruined everything after doing nothing wrong at all. Ruining relationships with people or not wanting to see anybody at all. No appetite after not eating all day. Feelings that everything is sad and dark. All I do is destroy things. I don’t help the world in any way. I’m hearing all the music from my not so distant past come back and this time its tearing me apart. There is a war inside my head and its not leaving me. Everyone will be better when I’m gone.