Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I’m harming somebody or fucking up this or fucking up that. I’ve been down this road before. spiraled into the self hate and the self loathing of the “why can’t I be a good person” nature. Heralding from a poorer family we couldn’t afford to help me even after I attempted to take my own life. Naturally, I fucked that up too. Too chicken shit to jump into the train. Broke into self harm instead. Now for some reason, just as I picked up the shattered glass of my life after that night in November and the school councilor gave up on me and told me about how wanting to kill myself was noble, 7 months detached from the self hatred, I’m hearing the music again. Constant nervousness. Feelings like I’ve ruined everything after doing nothing wrong at all. Ruining relationships with people or not wanting to see anybody at all. No appetite after not eating all day. Feelings that everything is sad and dark. All I do is destroy things. I don’t help the world in any way. I’m hearing all the music from my not so distant past come back and this time its tearing me apart. There is a war inside my head and its not leaving me. Everyone will be better when I’m gone.
Struggling these past few days and it’s hurting those around me.
Especially my child. I made them cry twice today. I’m so messed up right now I told my 2 year old to shut up.
Why? They were hungry while I was trying to angrily call the state about my insurance that’s going to be cancelled next month.
No insurance when I’m 8 months pregnant. Awesome. Worse case scenario I’ll stop all prenatal and deliver at home completely unassisted medically. I can’t afford the bill. It’s whatever. I’m not even worried about birth.
The thing I should be worried about is postpartum depression. I’m currently in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist but I’m not totally honest with them because I already lost said 2 year old due to my mental illness. Obviously today I proved I should’ve.
I’m such a failure as a mom. Even if I brought my kid back I’m still a piece and I’m bringing another kid into this world. Idk what I was thinking. It’s a strong possibility I’ll celebrate my last birthday this year. I can’t keep hurting everyone because I’m in pain.
I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.
After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.
I know there’s exceptions but
Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships
Schizoid people don’t have children
Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions
Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.
I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be the loving mother she needs. I’ll probably destroy her more than anything. Worse yet I’m currently pregnant with #2
300+ job applications and 5 years of working and 2 total interviews. I’m going to have to be on disability.
Essentially I’m a worthless sack of shit according to any standard. Emotionally, family wise, and professionally.
If I were smart I’d kill myself immediately upon giving birth (physically harming another is against my suicide rules) I doubt I will though. Right now I sincerely hope to die during labor, that will ease some of the pain for those left behind.
Life is not fair / unfair. there is always winners & losers. I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money (rich and poor), resources, status, many other superficial & shallow things & rules and expectations in society, times & places, chances / opportunities, strings of bad luck (or lucks / lucky), and also people who don’t like us and will cheat/trick, abuse, & even trample & glad/happy to see us fall down / going down & crushed & broken !
Our IMAGINATION & FANTASY & DREAMS is always much better than reality / real life / real world !
Reality is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Reality, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real life is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-life , we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real world is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-world, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
- – Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
I’m tired of this life / reality.
I hate this boring, bored reality / real life / real world, I hate this life, this LIMITED world, and I hate people/humans ..!!
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, movies, games, comics, anime/manga, etc etc..and some other types… but still, the latter could still be just another very boring, mundane, ‘worldly’ type of people/humans!).
Sometimes , no , often times I cursed myself for being highly imaginative, creative (many people also said that I’m very talented, and bright/smart/intelligent & wise ‘old-soul’ type too..) , because in this world & life that I hate, it seems that all those ‘innate talents/gifts’ of mine seems to be viewed as NOTHING IMPORTANT / SIGNIFICANT by large/mainstream society & most people today…!
We live today -ironically- in the very restricting, over-stressed, superficial/shallow, mundane, and hopeless & degrading era of humanity … and WHY shouldn’t I just kill myself now so to finally simply just f*cking shed-off this cursed limiting physical body of mine, and get out from this f*cking damn LIMITED, BORING life/world / reality ???…
(PS: I’m not an ’emo’ teenager or 20’s something, but I’m a ‘unique, weird, alien’ 32 years old Asian/chinese guy who merely always have very weird, eccentric, & imaginative mind/thinking,… and who still stays/dependent -unfortunately/sadly- in a “normal” family/parents’ house, and their so-called “job/business”, obviously for me, a f*cking damn boring, mundane everyday’s “job/business” that honestly I don’t give a f*ck / damn about it all …!!)