I really hate how I am. I am very asexual, never experienced sexual attraction towards anybody before…. Which makes things kind of difficult. I’m definitely not aromantic, I’ve had a very long list of people that I’ve wanted to pursue romantic relationships with. Gender has never been a consistent thing between them, and even several with non-standard gender identities have been included, so I guess you could say I’m panromantic that’s a decent word for it I guess…. However I have never actually had any type of romantic relationship, somewhat because my family really fucked me up when it came to that and another part because I never actually realize I want to pursue that kind of relationship with somebody until I get to a point where I no longer see them…. Both of those are horrible….
The first bit makes it very uncomfortable for me to even think of being in that type of relationship, as I would be breaking a promise that I made to myself that I never would be in one…. When I was really young my grandparents and father would constantly harass me by basically calling every female I interacted with at all my girlfriend, this upset me and commonly would lead me to violently crying, that sort of made this entire part of life much more difficult for me…. And yes I know it sounds really stupid but it really bothered me.
The second part is also very annoying. As I never even have an idea that I have any interest in anybody until something actually occurs were I won’t see them again. Like when I graduated from high school is a great example of that. I really don’t see any of those people anymore, and talk to only 3 of them maybe once every few months. Normally when I get to a point were I won’t see somebody again I either just stop thinking about them and mostly forget that they exist, or they begin to haunt my dreams…. And the dreams are really quite strange and normally tell me that I had a romantic interest in them…. Then I spend the next several days trying to convince myself that it’s not true. It’s also quite upsetting as now I know that there is absolutely no chance of that ever happening, although realistically even if I knew this information while I still knew them it never would happen anyway mostly due to the first thing listed above in addition to all the other reasons why the thought of being in a romantic relationship scares me. either way I still hate not even knowing until it is far too late, as if I do solve all my other problems with this then this one will still get in the way….
And yes I am currently sort of having a problem with realizing I had some interest in some of the people who just recently left my life, is quite upsetting. 🙁 Welp this was mostly just a ramble I know it’s really annoying and what has you but meh. I hope you all have wonderful days.
6 comments
Ugh, amen, bro. I hate asexuality. I’d probably trade it for any other sexuality. I wish it didn’t exist. Or at the very least, I wish everyone else were ace too, that way we wouldn’t feel like such freaks.
Just to be clear, I’m not saying that it’s a picnic being gay or anything. I’m just saying that I’d trade my sexuality for lesbianism in a heartbeat. Where I live, gay and bi people don’t face a lot of homophobia at all. My brother is gay, and he’s said multiple times that he never gets crap for it. If what he says is true, then I’d rather be gay.
Meh I would much prefer it too, although my area basically anyone who isn’t straight gets harassed…. Is like the only part of the state where that happens too :/ I’ve even ran into harassment for being ace too -_-
I feel yah, I read some of your previous posts (shatterediris) and honestly, you just sound like the male version of me, don’t take this the wrong way but have you ever been diagnosed with any form of autistic disorder (which there’s nothing wrong with) I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome recently (although it’s all just autistic spectrum disorder now) and it helped me realise some things (even though I can’t be ‘cured’, I can learn to adjust)
Hmm. That’s a fair question. There does seem to be a lot of overlap between people on the autism spectrum and asexuals, huh?
Nope never tried to be diagnosed, although there is a decent chance that I could be…. I do know that I definitely have some form of sensory disorder, aspergers could be it or it could be one of the many others…. I don’t really want to know. -_- I’ve mostly learned to live with it, I hardly ever get stopped by it for more than 15 minutes now ^_^