I was calculating something.
Well, I was calculating life.
considering environmental and other factors. .. if I say, 55 -60 years is average life of a human then it would be generous.
I am 28 years. Means, I have lived half of my life.
And this really sad. Because I haven’t lived half of my life. I just wasted it. I didn’t do anything.
It’s really sad.
I just can’t accept it that I really have wasted half of my life.
And I was alone and depressed since I was 12… that means I spent more than half of that half life in depression. And almost 10 years in unending misery.
That was my life ??????
I really can’t believe it.
And I really can’t believe that it’s been 10 years, Since I am living in misery. A decade.
I do not know what should I write…….
I remember, I forgot to mention something significant in this insignificant post.
The half life I have wasted. That was my growing days… childhood to adulthood…. that was the days of strength & health.
Now,The rest half of life I have left.. ( I’m not saying, I am god and I will wander on this earth, in this human body, for excatly this much years. I know I can die right now while typing and that would be very good, if I die right now)
Hmmmmm..
Where was I ?
The rest of half life….
The rest of half life I have left… is decaying life. I am getting old & weak.
I probably have 5 good years of youth. And next 5 will be either stable or idk….
And then… I will almost be 40 and weak and god knows how many insignificant but pain in the ass disease will I have ?
.
.
.
.
.
Half of my life is over.
If I think this as my other self that yearns for dying. Then it’s a good news. Half of my suffering has been completed. Now, only half of it left. And then it will be over.
Fuck…
Why I can’t end this right now ?
Why I have to live for others ?