Fed up

I dont really know why i made this thing, im not sure that it will change my mind on suicide. Ive had a rough life since age 10 and im the only one to blame for that. At 10 i began being molested by a boy a couple of years older than me, i am the oldest of 7 blood siblings and have two older half siblings. I allowed this for years as long as he never bothered my siblings which obviously didnt happen and when i told my mom she just brushed it off as kids playing. Few years later at age 15 i was raped at lake Amador while on a family trip, i was called a liar and a whore. When i was 19 i met a ranger who was kind on the outside but evil within. He would beat me and my pit bull when he would protect me from him, he sold my pit bull after that. I got away from that. In may of 2012 i married who i thought was the love of my life and soon found out it was all lies. I worked 12 hr days in pain would come home and be beat, tossed to his friends like a doll. I went to jail for fighting him off and he got to be free, i left him and have been trying to divorce him ever since he wont let me go. And i have been struggling with everything since. Mental, emotional, physical, i would drink till i blacked out and take pills. Until i met my boyfriend last year. I thought i was getting better, i was clean and sober a year with no trouble but i feel like im slipping again. My boyfriend accuses me of things i dont do, we are always arguing. I just feel railroaded from anyone who cares, and my family says they do but they act like they hate me. In april of this year i lost my older brother to a car accident, and because the woman who killed him claims she didnt see him gets off and hes gone. I dont see the point in being here when no one really cares. I guess whats stopping me from swallowing this bottle? I dont have any fight left in me….