I dont really know why i made this thing, im not sure that it will change my mind on suicide. Ive had a rough life since age 10 and im the only one to blame for that. At 10 i began being molested by a boy a couple of years older than me, i am the oldest of 7 blood siblings and have two older half siblings. I allowed this for years as long as he never bothered my siblings which obviously didnt happen and when i told my mom she just brushed it off as kids playing. Few years later at age 15 i was raped at lake Amador while on a family trip, i was called a liar and a whore. When i was 19 i met a ranger who was kind on the outside but evil within. He would beat me and my pit bull when he would protect me from him, he sold my pit bull after that. I got away from that. In may of 2012 i married who i thought was the love of my life and soon found out it was all lies. I worked 12 hr days in pain would come home and be beat, tossed to his friends like a doll. I went to jail for fighting him off and he got to be free, i left him and have been trying to divorce him ever since he wont let me go. And i have been struggling with everything since. Mental, emotional, physical, i would drink till i blacked out and take pills. Until i met my boyfriend last year. I thought i was getting better, i was clean and sober a year with no trouble but i feel like im slipping again. My boyfriend accuses me of things i dont do, we are always arguing. I just feel railroaded from anyone who cares, and my family says they do but they act like they hate me. In april of this year i lost my older brother to a car accident, and because the woman who killed him claims she didnt see him gets off and hes gone. I dont see the point in being here when no one really cares. I guess whats stopping me from swallowing this bottle? I dont have any fight left in me….
8 comments
I may not know you, but I care. Sorry I don’t have anything better to say, but just know that you aren’t alone. If you ever need to talk or rant, I’m here.
Im so lonely. my boyfriend left me and i cant sleep. . So many thoughts
Any in particular you need to get out?
Well lets see. Whats wtong with me? I cant hold a job or a partner more than a year. I just want to be out of this horrible world im tired of fighting. Evetyonr says it will get better, it doesnt for me i have to fake a smile to get through
Small world, the longest job I had was just for a year and I’ve never had a relationship last longer than three months. I don’t think anything actually gets better, I think that having the right people around just makes things suck a little bit less. It’s not any grand improvement, but it helps just a bit.
Yeah well im the kind of person who wants people around but likes to be alone. Being alone seems to be the only thing im good at. My family avoids me, talks about me behind closed doors or in the other room. Always about my past, cant seem to get away from it.
I love being alone, too, I guess I just meant that when you do have people around, you make sure they’re the right ones. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but your family sounds like it sucks pretty bad, I cut most of mine out of my life because they were just terrible people that tried to make things worse for me whenever they could. I get not being able to escape your past, I’ve got that same problem, I’m just hoping to hit my head and get amnesia or something.
Hey if you want to talk feel free to email me, faustnostromo@gmail.com
We can chat on Google hangouts or something if you like, I’ve been alone for a while now too, I know its worst feeling ever when you just want turn over an hug someone who’s got your back and would do anything for you but there not there and you can’t change it no matter how hard you wish it…