I’m not a real person because I am going crazy inside with my depression that no one can see. I am not a real cutter because I don’t cut every day (most of the time). I’m not a real anorexic because my BMI is technically normal. I don’t fit in completely with the extremely poor because I am no longer homeless. I don’t fit in with the rich because I am far from rich. I don’t belong in my family because I have different tastes in music, books, movies–I haven’t told them my real likes because I’m afraid of rejection: they think the sorts of things that I’m into are shallow/stupid (romance, modern pop songs, etc.) I can’t tell them about my depression because my worst fear is being locked away in a mental hospital/program, but I can’t go on indefinitely. Solution? Kill myself. But I can’t because of them. I’ve always felt switched at birth, like I don’t belong anywhere. My sister is normal, eats normally, loves herself, is confident, a non-introvert, is perfect, smart, doesn’t have depression. And I wonder–what happened to me? Where did I go wrong? Why am I the way I am? I WISH I DIDNT EXIST. I HATE EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT MYSELF!!! I am ugly, selfish, unlovable, awful, fat, obsessive, disgusting, shallow, unable-to-feel-apathy-with-anyone, nothing, no one, dying inside!!! Why was I born if I have no reason to live? Nothing will make it better. I wish I was my sister. I wish I didn’t exist. I wish I could experience the way it feels to die! I wish I wish I wish but I’m stuck with no escape in life or death. My smiling poker face that my family sees is starting to crack.
Skip ahead 5 years: where will I be? Will I be in a mental hospital/still living and lying about who I am and what I feel to everyone/dead? What do I even want? WHY AM I NOT REAL???
10 comments
Hey I understand were your coming from , if you wanna talk I’m here .
This is my email worthless121@gmail.com
Hey I left you a comment it’s in moderation.
What does that mean?
your real alright and normal, for some reason we tend to think we are not? #1 your likes and dislikes are what makes you an individual, you don’t want to be a plastic replica of anyone else!
i’m very different than my family or even the people around me, to be honest even with my problems i’d not switch places with anyone. in general we are all poor and don’t live the life styles of the rich and famous, matter of fact, they are like us depressed, have their own problems, don’t think they don’t, life has it’s up’s and downs, and everyone get a chance to have them, everyone! you decide what your purpose to live is, that would mean to follow your passions, you have to be realistic about them, you have to survive, that means make a living, you have to do things you may not enjoy to do that, like being a secretary for example, that enables you to pay the bills survive, then you put a little aside to do your passions, example you buy a guitar and learn how to play, perhaps join a band, in other words work on what you enjoy doing, wanting to die is a thought, everyone thinks about it, you need to think also why you want to live.
There is no reason to live. That’s my point. I will never be happy as me. What’s the point of going to work, paying bills, eating food? It’s all meaningless. I can’t find the motivation anymore to do the things that I used to love. I’m a zombie girl. Dead and alive. I wish I wasn’t alive.
it’s up to you to find your purpose, and that would be something you enjoy doing. i hope you do so you can be somewhat happy.
You are a real person simply because you are dealing with depression that no one else can see. If anything that proves you are real and alive. You say there is no reason to live, I understand, I really, really do…People don’t really pay enough attention to notice, especially if you try to hide it… Honestly I don’t know what to say here, because you remind me of a bit of myself… How can I tell you something when I won’t apply it to myself? But nevertheless, I don’t wish for you to hurt yourself or die, you are far too young to be dealing with stuff like this. Do your best to try and be comfortable with yourself, and try to work from there. Keep on going… even if no one cares, you can at least trust that there are strangers on here that care about your well being…it might not mean much during the troubles we all face, but maybe we can help each other feel a little better. Find someone to talk to, find some kind of activity that makes you happy, or at least takes your mind off of things… just live to the next hour, minute, second, and then live through the next one, one at a time.
I really appreciate what you said, Oathkeeper. It does help knowing that someone somebody can hear me. I am so sick of feeling silent, like no one will even know if I was gone. Thank you for leaving a comment-it makes me feel better that I can be real somewhere to somebody. I will never love anything about myself and I can’t find the motivation to do anything that makes me happy but I feel a little more real now knowing that people can hear me here. 🙂
People will always here, as long as you care enough to make them. Shout your name from the rooftops, paint it in the street,carve it INA tree trunk. You will mnever be like anyone else, and you are beautiful because of that. “To but, or not to be? That is the question.” The answer should ALWAYS be to be. Because you,and people with stories like you,make me want to continue living. So that I can show, it’s worth it.
Thanks for the encouragement. It helps knowing that somebody hears me. 🙂