Restlessness

The feeling of restlessness hits when things just continue to pile up. One thing after the other. It feels as though a ton of bricks are sitting on your shoulders, weighing you down until you can’t get out of bed anymore. You hear people talking, but yet your not registering it. You see people laughing and smiling and your just staring off into the distance wondering if you should leave this planet or stay. You remember the days you were with him, laughing, smiling, hugging, kissing, and waking up to his scruffy face in the morning. You wonder if he will ever come back to you. Its almost as if he has died. I feel like his non existent presence has brought me to this feeling of why am i still here. Why do i want to be here on this planet when no one loves me or cares about me. I feel like i have lost everyone the moment i lost him because within it all, i lost myself. I have forgotten who i was before my life became spiraling down. I loved him more than he will ever know, and i will never forgive myself for letting him walk away. How do i let go of this. How do i move on. How do i ever trust anyone again. How do i accept what has been set and stoned. I just can’t. I feel like my life is hopeless and i will never be happy again. There are days i just cry, and there are days i feel nothing at all. There are times where i just want to wake up and have a text message from him saying he misses me. How can you be with someone for so long, and not miss them at all. Because i……. i miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by where i don’t think of him. Its hard for me to sleep without him. Every night i toss and turn, missing our big bed with our dogs cuddling us. I miss his laugh, i miss his smile, i miss his beard, i miss his slowly balding head. I miss everything about him. I look around and see my sister, my friends, strangers, all happy with their partner. But i feel miserable. Being single means, having fun, going out, enjoying time to yourself without worrying about being in a relationship. But I don’t want to do anything. All i want is for it to go back to the way it was so i can fix where we went wrong. He hates me. I hate me. I hate everything about me. I can never love myself for how stupid i was to let this all happen to me. I feel like the only thing holding me to this life that i no longer what to live is my two babies, and my grandparents and slightly the hope of him coming back to my life. I will never know what my future holds if i end my life, but then again, i am tired of being miserable. I want to be happy. I want someone to save me from this restlessness that will never go away.