Square One

Hello. Well I’m back to square one. I’ve been going on about 2 months without a freak out. I never really thought that I wouldn’t be back, but I never really thought about when I would be back either. I had to go to the doctors to get a prescription and a card. Standard stuff. I was in the car with my mom seeing as how I still haven’t taken the damn driver’s test. I purposely put her in a bad mood by talking about things that annoy her. Funny I just thought of something, but I”ll save it for later in the post. Anyways, I did a stupid mistake and almost ran a red. She screamed for me to stop and I did, but continued yelling at me. I started screaming back about how I already stopped and she didn’t need to keep screaming. Eventually she told me to stop yelling at her and fuck me and how I never take responsibility for my actions and blame others. She doesn’t know that I’m on here. She doesn’t know that I hate myself more than anyone else. She doesn’t know that I wake up every morning thinking what a fucking loser I am and how it’s all my fault. That I never have the guts to really get out there and make my life better. How every day I look in the mirror and see such a fucking loser and how everything could be better if I just tried more. How I purposely make people hate me like my mom in the car. What’s worse is that earlier on I asked if she put anything about mental illness on my college aps (yes she is the one looking over that stuff not me.. fucking loser), and she said no and to never speak about it to anyone. When I pressed her on about why she said I didn’t know how she felt. They don’t know that I still have depression or feel like shit from time to time. They don’t know that I have no desire to live past 25. I’m back to square one. I’m never going to let them see me like this. I’d rather blow my on brains out all over the fucking wall then let them look down on me like they did before. Than let them pity me. Than let them confirm all the shitty things they thought about me. It’s never going to happen. Ever. Thanks for listening.