This is how it ends…..

I find myself running in circles more often than not.  I find myself giving myself away, again and again and again….always to the wrong people.  I find I care too much because I am always trying to live for someone else.  I find myself alone, even when, I am in a room full of people.

There is no action that I can make that will equal an opposite reaction; for all my actions only end up one way….heartbreak.  

I’ve given all I can, I have tried all I dare to try any longer.  I am not wanted, I am not loved, I am a human that no one sees as mortal.  I am not allowed to have feelings and I am not wanted by other mortals, unless they need something from me.

I lost my son, I held him in my arms for the very first and final time,  just days ago.  I did it all alone.  My partner nowhere to be found.  His job takes precedence.  I had to make all the arrangements, I had to cry alone, I had to hand my baby over to a stranger to be put in a cold dark freezer.  My partner knew this and instead of coming back and seeing me through or the very least talking to me, he shut me out, left me to a pain so deep a void so dark, I saw nothing but the call of the sun, in which I wanted to fall.

Finally, my partner comes back to the house in which I hope to lose myself…  I am almost gone, I was almost there.  Now he needs me, now he wants my touch, now he wants whatever he can get from me.  Where were you when I needed you?  Why should I give you anything?  And yet, I do.  Not because I am stupid, although I feel that way, but because I care that much.  You said we would have a few days together to grieve….and what did you do?  You walked out the door and went straight to work and left me all alone again.  These four walls are my nightmare and you are the monster that now haunts them.  I hate you.  No….I don’t hate you, I hate what you have done to me, I hate that I mean nothing to you, that our child meant nothing to you, when I have stood by you through it all.  You are not worth it and I was a fool.

I want to say, that you are worse than Joana.  At least she is honest in who she is and what she is.  You are not, you lie and you take…and you deceive.  

And now, I walk out and I will never look back.  Now, I will die and do so gladly.  I’m going home to my son, my dear sweet Casey.  

And this time, I will not be coming back….  My ending is only my beginning….

For when all the stars fall, I’ll be waiting….

-KR