zero sum game

the voice in my head that has for months been telling me it hates me just recently changed its tune. now it says its time. why that is i don’t know. but i am listening. been thinking real hard. seems to be six of one half a dozen of the other. i have a “contract” with my therapist to see him on tuesday. but that is four days away. in the now it seems like a reasonable thing to do. no one other than my therapist knows how suicidal i am. and that fits my m o . if i am dead i don’t have to go to work tomorrow. if i am not i had better be there. no hospitalization. its just an expensive warehouse. nothing changes. keeps me safe for a couple of days. big deal. then i would have to explain myself to people i don’t want to explain myself to. i realize i am no longer free to speak to my therapist without threat of hospitalization. it pisses me off because i promised myself i wouldn’t cry wolf again. too late. me and my big mouth. i know they have to do what they have to do. i have played this game long enough to know the rules. it would suggest that i don’t really want to die. perhaps. there is an intense battle playing out in my head. should i or shouldn’t i? it’s exhausting. there have been signs pointing to which side wins. they are subtle but there nonetheless. i really don’t want to hurt anyone , but the battle has been ongoing for 36 years and i am tired.