Every day I am getting closer and closer to the brink. I’m trying to keep busy, go out, self nurture… all the healthy coping mechanism that I know. But once I’m on my own it all collapses. Every night I dream something about suicide, and it’s so sweet – when I wake up, I don’t want to let go of it. Last time I hit that stage, I admitted myself to hospital .
I don’t want to go there again. Nothing wrong with the hospital or the care, but last time I went, I lost my job, and I will loose it again, and this time I may not come back from it.
Basically, after 6 admissions in as many years, most of them at least 8 weeks long, I don’t see the point of a 7th one, then there will be #8, #9, #10. It will never end. I can win each battle, but I can never win the war.
I’ve put off updating my will, that at least prevents me from doing anything on an impulse, but I think my end is near.
4 comments
SoVeryTired, i’m not going to say don’t go or go because everyone if different, i’ve been suffering for 30 years, the closes i came was going to a stress class back then i felt i couldn’t take it anymore, there i was in this room with about 30 people, OMG! They were all crying! telling their stories one at a time, after hearing a few i said to myself, SHIT! These people have real problems! i was even more stressed out! then it was my turn to talk, i got up and said i have nothing to say, the head guy got mad at me and said say something! i said i got to get the hell out of here! and i left, the guy followed me out the door come back! i said hell no! i don’t belong here! i realized that there was nothing anyone could do to help me, those people have been going there for awhile i don’t really know if they were getting better but it seemed like they were doing worse? throwing in the towel? breaking down completely, i was thinking like what your saying if i go to this place i’ll lose my job, anyways i don’t know if i can say i learned to deal with it on my own i just did, i felt well i was really on my own no magic bullet for me, i’m just going to have to deal with it, so i did, it stayed fucked up but i survived, since then made many changes, got divorced and got out of a few relationships, they were not helping they were killing me, here i am 30 years later, not cured, but use to it, i threw in the towel on thinking i’ll every get over it, but guess what? now i feel ten times better? in my case accepting it is what helped.
Thanks. That’s really good advice. Accept it, endure the lows, enjoy the highs. I do have good times, my life is sort of in order, but I have treatment resistant recurring depression, and a bunch of other stuff. I overcame a whole lot of shit, including two abusive marriages.
I know that I will never really overcome these issues. I have wanted to die since I was 12, that’s 40 years now, although I had some good periods in between.
I have to think about it. Can I just accept the lows, not fight? That also reminds me of what I learnt in mindfulness. Part of my suffering comes from not just the current low, but the anticipation of all the future lows.
Thank you Rocketman.
PS: if that experience you are recalling here was supposed to be therapy, the ‘head guy” should be barred from doing this ever again. In any group like this sharing must be optional, everybody when / if they are ready.
That’s what i was thinking! wonder how many people that he fucked up? what i felt he was doing was he was trying to retain a clientele to make a living capitalizing off the misery of others, let’s face it, most of these places are not volunteers wanting to help people, their in business to make money! first thing they want to know is what insurance you have, and if they say OK your fine then the money will stop, it’s also amazing that some insurances put a limit on how much they will invest, once you reach the limit, all the sudden they say gee your doing much better! you don’t need to come here anymore!! give us call tell us how your doing in about 1 year when your insurance renews. 🙂