Okay so I’ve always had suicide in the back of my mind. I’ve always seen a tall building and imagined the relief of jumping off the top, or plunging from a bridge, or just stepping out into traffic. I’ve watched films where people have shot, hanged, or drowned themselves and I admire it. I imagine it. I dream about it! But I never actually felt like i’d go through with it. I think they call it ‘suicidal ideation’. I’ve never got any help, never thought I needed it. Yesterday I finally went to a doctor because anxiety was taking over my life, and she gave me some anti-anxiety meds.
My family are weird about it, they haven’t let me get the prescription yet and told me they don’t think I should take it. They told me I am fine and it’s normal to be anxious. The problem is I am always pretending I am okay with them so I understand why they might think I don’t need help- but I’m desperate. I felt so happy and relieved that I might finally feel better and now I’m down again- really down. My parents don’t get me, and I just can’t tell them how I feel, it would crush them- especially my Mum.
The only thing is I’m actually feeling like I want to die, right now. I’m angry and upset and I want to tell them all about everything I’ve been feeling. It’s like for years I’ve been afraid to seek help and now I have- my parents think I don’t need it. I’m lost and alone and I genuinely don’t know what to do.