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First time I’ve felt actively suicidal, what now?

by Hope342

Okay so I’ve always had suicide in the back of my mind. I’ve always seen a tall building and imagined the relief of jumping off the top, or plunging from a bridge, or just stepping out into traffic. I’ve watched films where people have shot, hanged, or drowned themselves and I admire it. I imagine it. I dream about it! But I never actually felt like i’d go through with it. I think they call it ‘suicidal ideation’. I’ve never got any help, never thought I needed it. Yesterday I finally went to a doctor because anxiety was taking over my life, and she gave me some anti-anxiety meds.

My family are weird about it, they haven’t let me get the prescription yet and told me they don’t think I should take it. They told me I am fine and it’s normal to be anxious. The problem is I am always pretending I am okay with them so I understand why they might think I don’t need help- but I’m desperate. I felt so happy and relieved that I might finally feel better and now I’m down again- really down. My parents don’t get me, and I just can’t tell them how I feel, it would crush them- especially my Mum.

The only thing is I’m actually feeling like I want to die, right now. I’m angry and upset and I want to tell them all about everything I’ve been feeling. It’s like for years I’ve been afraid to seek help and now I have- my parents think I don’t need it. I’m lost and alone and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

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9 comments

Lowlight 9/15/2016 - 8:18 am

Why are you feeling angry and upset? Can you explain where this is coming from?

Hope342 9/15/2016 - 4:23 pm

Angry and upset that my parents don’t understand. But I also get why, because I haven’t told them the extent to how bad I feel. But it just sucks when it’s so obvious to you that you’re not okay but everybody around you seems not to notice. It’s like I must be an A list actress to pull this off! At the same time I don’t want people to realise- but with my parents, they should understand an support me, not say that I am fine and don’t need help.

Nosmoke34 9/15/2016 - 8:47 am

Some families/people will just never get it, no matter how much you try to explain but you should give it a go and let them know you’ve been struggling for long time now. You’ve taken a big step going to the doctors in the first place so don’t let them bring you down. I have a question though, how come they decide if you get it or not, Are you not able to get it on your own without them?

Hope342 9/15/2016 - 4:19 pm

Yeah you’re right. I doubt they’ll understand unless I tell them the whole story like I’ve been failing uni because I can’t fnd the confidence to attend lectures, and that I wouldn’t even go into the kitchen at my old accommodation because I was scared of the people there. Thanks for your comment, I calmed down since! And well I can get it on my own, but they told me to hang back and my Mum wanted to “research” it. I also had my Nan telling me not to take them. It’s so frustrating! I’m going to get them tomorrow though. I am moving out of the house back into university so they cant really say/do anything about it. Thankyou

Nosmoke34 9/15/2016 - 8:07 pm

Maybe you should see the uni about what’s going on. Mine was pretty good about everything and I ended up taking some time off and I’m allowed to go back when things are better. They may be able to do something for you.
Usually it would be the actual person who wanted to research or who is afraid to take the medication not your mum or nan Haha!
Are you in accommodation this year too? What are you studying? I hope it goes well for you 🙂

joe cross 9/15/2016 - 10:17 am

Hay I have been around a long time in life, even though I have my own problems and can relate a lot of what you are saying. One thing I didn’t do when I was young was to go seek help a long time ago, (it was not the dune thing for someone like me to do) not saying it would have helped me but it may have helped me back then and I wouldn’t be where I am now.
You took the first step the hard step people will always put blocks in your way, you have to step around them. So what are they weird about you asking for help the prescription or is it they don’t know how to deal with it or help.

oqoobo 9/15/2016 - 10:48 am

I think telling them (And i know that this feels impossibly hard to do) is the lesser evil of the things you can do.
It might hurt them, but once you get to the point where you actively consider suicide the downward spiral of negative emotions is very likely to make you do things to yourself that would hurt your parents/family/friends a lot more than knowing something more about what’s going on inside your skull.

I know it’s hard as fuq, I also didn’t dare telling them yet, i hope you can do it! 🙂

Hope342 9/15/2016 - 4:21 pm

Hey, thanks for your reply! I had a conversation with my Mum about it, I tried to explain but I just couldn’t tell her about everything, she’d be dissapointed if she knew I’d failed uni (and am now retaking a year) because of being so anxious, more than that she would be upset. I just told her I would try go without them for a while see how I get on (because she thinks over the summer i’ve got ‘better’). But I’m moving to university on Saturday so I’ll just start taking them when I leave. I want to feel better, I hate being who I am!

Thanks for your advice, it’s super hard isn’t it! I think I’ll try another day. Too exhausted to explain anymore.

Try 9/15/2016 - 3:35 pm

I need you to be careful plz, my daughter was put on Paxil for anxiety and it made her get worse till she finally tried the extra step.
NOT ALL can use use ANY antidepressant meds which goes hand in hand with anxiety meds, if ur DNA is not compatible with what ever u on now it WILL backfire and actually make u worse .
I wish for you to talk to ur parents and ask for

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personalized_medicine

this test comes back with in 1 week, it WILL tell which medication is good for ur body and which not, on my daughters test it showed Paxil will “tip”her n make her worse same as Lexapro, Abilify etc etc also her metabolisum is waked up n therefor a lot SSR meds will interact with ur genes n “tip” u, so all in all …..meds are good IFFFFFFFF they are right for ur gene

peace and streght be with u!

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