Friends. He said it twice, maybe three times, his friend, I’m not quite sure. All I know is that the first time he said it, it just started clamoring inside my head, almost drowning out anything else he was saying. The second time he said it, my heart dropped and it was all I could fucking hear. I know, I fucking know, that he likes me, but it still hit me like a shit ton of bricks and scared me witless when he said that word. Friend.
I’m afraid. Afraid that even after all we’ve done that he’ll see me, really see me, and drop me like the bag of shit I am. Afraid even that maybe he’ll pity me or walk around me on eggshells. I don’t wish for him to know this part of me, to know how passively suicidal I really am, how depressed I can get (which is a goddamn lot, let me tell you). But I also really ache to let him know all of me and for me to be able to truly be open with him as he has with me. Because, dare I say it? I think I already love him; god knows I’ve fallen for him hard.
I want this good thing in my life to be true. I want to believe that this relationship is gonna last. I want it to last. I’ve never desired any relationship more than I have with this one. And that frightens me to no end, because I’ve felt love before, I’ve been in a good relationship, but this one, this guy, takes the cake (and my heart). He’s been so open with me, and he accepts my weirdness. Tonight he even went so far as to call me golden. But here I sit, keeping my demons in my closet, locked up and cowering in fear of discovery.
When will I be okay? When will I be able to live my life somewhat normally? When will I stop being such a goddamn motherfucking coward? When?
3 comments
If you keep calling someone a “friend,” doesn’t it mean: “I only like you in a platonic sense, and I don’t want any type of romantic or sexual relationship with you”?
Be careful about developing feelings for someone if they don’t seem to be on the same page as you.
nepheliad is right , yesterday i have put my soul and heart on a plate for the girl that i have loved ( and still do ) more than anything and anyone , and she rejected me saying we are friends … and she doesn’t even talk to me now
I guess I didn’t clarify it enough but we’ve moved past the friend zone. We just haven’t defined it, which has been keeping me on my toes and anxious as fuck even though we’re already together basically. I’m just super fucking insecure and scared that he could change his mind at any moment because it’s not official. Trust me, rejection is a real big thing I avoid, and i don’t put my cards on the table until I’m sure the other person likes me back, anymore.