I’m feeling suicidal. I’m close with my family so have put off acting on those feelings. But I have felt like this for years now. One day this overwhelming anxiety overcame me and my life has been at a standstill since then. I find it hard to leave the house sometimes, and haven’t had a job in years as when it comes to my first day at a new job, this crippling fear overtakes me and I’m too scared to enter the building. I have debt worries too. I’m really good at hiding it somehow since my family don’t have a clue about all this, since I just constantly lie to everyone about my life. I just can’t see how I can move forward and build a life and start again. Every time I consider opening up to family, my fear of disappointing them stops me.
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This is exactly how I feel! I can’t tell my family because I don’t want to hurt/disappoint them or for them to see me differently. But I WANT to tell someone. I just can’t. I’m really good at hiding it too. Isn’t it sort of ironic how good we are at putting on masks? Why? What makes everyone oblivious to our internal torment?
I think I’ve just got so used to lying and pretending everything is ok, that I just can’t find a way to break out of the cycle. I really want to just tell everyone what is happening, but fear of being a disappointment will always stop me. Also I’m afraid that they may see me as a bad person for lying all the time