Hi guys. I’m just putting this up for anyone who may not realise I’ve changed my name. And if you’ve never heard of me before, well, that’s fine too. I just want to update anybody who’s interested.
I want to talk about how I’ve gone through a huge change of heart this week. This week, well in 2 days time actually, I had my plan set for it to all be over. I had set up my gear and even began writing notes. I was planning to tidy up my house as much as possible and get things in order. I even planned to buy a huge bag of chocolate because, well, I almost never let myself have that. But this would be my last treat to myself. I was even having so much nervous anxiety because this would be the first time I’d ever done is properly, so to speak, something I’d planned for so long and not just done spur-of-the-moment.
I still have all the same problems which have led to suicidal thoughts over the past few years. But this week seemed to have a precipitating event which I wanted to use to my advantage, you know, that one last nudge to cause me to do what I had set it in my mind I wanted to do. I can feel my boyfriend of 6 months drifting slowly apart from me. So, rather than face up to the inevitable end, I was going to get in first. After all, I still have all the million and one OTHER unsolvable problems too, right??
So, I’ve been reflective the past few days. Thinking my problems over and you know what I realised? A lot of them are false dichotomies! It’s not so much the problems themselves (although they can be pretty terrible at times), but it’s what I’m saying to myself about these problems: “He’s losing interest so I am obviously not a worthwhile person.” “I have a chronic illness so therefore I’m a drain to society and a failure as a mother.” “I should have my life sorted by this age. I’m just a crap human” Things like this. Well, up til now I’d kind of taken all those problems and stuffed them into one huge bag and labelled it “TOO MUCH.” Too much to think about. Too much to deal with. But, if I pick apart each one at a time, it seems a little more manageable.
So my plans are shelved! If my boyfriend breaks up with me, I’ll deal with it. I’ll cry and lay in bed for days and think life is not ever gonna be the same again. But then I will also realise all the things I wasn’t doing while I was with him because all my attention was on HIM, and none of it was on ME!
Disclaimer: Really hoping this clarity lasts.
5 comments
Damn healthy way of looking at life…good for you!
Thank you! I have my moments.
Hello Zelda Kismet
Good post!
The part:
“Well, up til now I’d kind of taken all those problems and stuffed them into one huge bag and labelled it “TOO MUCH.” Too much to think about. Too much to deal with. But, if I pick apart each one at a time, it seems a little more manageable.”
Gave me an idea: write down my TOO MUCH problems in pieces of paper and put inside a jar. Sometimes go there and pick one piece of paper. Well well well I’ll think about this one today! Leaving all the others in the jar…forgotten…not bothering me.
And about your boyfriend…I feel the same when I have a boyfriend bc I always ended dumped…I know when I’ll be dumped and start thinking about all attention I gave him instead of my things and now he dumped I have sorrow to get over, time wasted and one more problem.
That’s why I gave up relashionships…too many trouble for 5 minutes of heaven.
Anyway…writing here “relashionships” and putting inside a jar of pickles.
Hi! I’m glad you liked my post. I read your posts as well, because they resonate with me. Especially the one called “inside my possibilities”. Great idea about the TOO MUCH jar 🙂
I’m also feeling, with this relationship, that once it’s over (and I know it will be- I don’t think for one second that this one is gonna be a happily-ever-after.) Well, once it’s over, I’m not going to look for another one. Friends, yes. But I think if you let that spark of infatuation fool you, thinking that’s “love”, you’re going to be disappointed.
Great idea!